The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Memoirs of Count Grammont, Volume 5
by Anthony Hamilton

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Title: The Memoirs of Count Grammont, Volume 5

Author: Anthony Hamilton

Release Date: December 4, 2004 [EBook #5413]

Language: English

Character set encoding: ASCII

*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK COUNT GRAMMONT ***




Produced by David Widger





         MEMOIRS OF COUNT GRAMMONT, VOLUME 5.

             By Anthony Hamilton

        EDITED, WITH NOTES, BY SIR WALTER SCOTT




               CHAPTER NINTH.

        VARIOUS LOVE INTRIGUES AT THE ENGLISH COURT.


Every man who believes that his honour depends upon that of his wife is
a fool who torments himself, and drives her to despair; but he who, being
naturally jealous, has the additional misfortune of loving his wife, and
who expects that she should only live for him; is a perfect madman, whom
the torments of hell have actually taken hold of in this world, and whom
nobody pities. All reasoning and observation on these unfortunate
circumstances attending wedlock concur in this, that precaution is vain
and useless before the evil, and revenge odious afterwards.

The Spaniards, who tyrannise over their wives, more by custom than from
jealousy, content themselves with preserving the niceness of their honour
by duennas, grates, and locks.

The Italians, who are wary in their suspicions, and vindictive in their
resentments, pursue a different line of conduct: some satisfy themselves
with keeping their wives under locks which they think secure: others by
ingenious precautions exceed whatever the Spaniards can invent for
confining the fair sex but the generality are of opinion, that in either
unavoidable danger or in manifest transgression, the surest way is to
assassinate.

But, ye courteous and indulgent nations, who, far from admitting these
savage and barbarous customs, give full liberty to your dear ribs, and
commit the care of their virtue to their own discretion, you pass without
alarms or strife your peaceful days, in all the enjoyments of domestic
indolence!

It was certainly some evil genius that induced Lord Chesterfield to
distinguish himself from his patient and good-natured countrymen, and
ridiculously to afford the world an opportunity of examining into the
particulars of an adventure which would perhaps never have been known
without the verge of the court, and which would everywhere have been
forgotten in less than a month; but now, as soon as ever he had turned
his back, in order to march away with his prisoner, and the ornaments she
was supposed to have bestowed upon him, God only knows what a terrible
attack there was made upon his rear: Rochester, Middlesex, Sedley,
Etheredge, and all the whole band of wits, exposed him in numberless
ballads, and diverted the public at his expense.

The Chevalier de Grammont was highly pleased with these lively and
humorous compositions; and wherever this subject was mentioned, never
failed to produce his supplement upon the occasion: "It is strange," said
he, "that the country, which is little better than a gallows or a grave
for young people, is allotted in this land only for the unfortunate, and
not for the guilty! poor Lady Chesterfield, for some unguarded looks, is
immediately seized upon by an angry husband, who will oblige her to spend
her Christmas at a country-house, a hundred and fifty miles from London;
while here there are a thousand ladies who are left at liberty to do
whatever they please, and who indulge in that liberty, and whose conduct,
in short, deserves a daily bastinado. I name no person, God forbid I
should; but Lady Middleton, Lady Denham, the queen's and the duchess's
maids of honour, and a hundred others, bestow their favours to the right
and to the left, and not the least notice is taken of their conduct. As
for Lady Shrewsbury, she is conspicuous. I would take a wager she might
have a man killed for her every day, find she would only hold her head
the higher for it: one would suppose she imported from Rome plenary
indulgences for her conduct: there are three or four gentlemen who wear
an ounce of her hair made into bracelets, and no person finds any fault;
and yet shall such a cross-grained fool as Chesterfield be permitted to
exercise an act of tyranny, altogether unknown in this country, upon the
prettiest woman in England, and all for a mere trifle: but I am his
humble servant; his precautions will avail him nothing; on the contrary,
very often a woman, who had no bad intentions when she was suffered to
remain in tranquillity, is prompted to such conduct by revenge, or
reduced to it by necessity: this is as true as the gospel: hear now what
Francisco's saraband says on the subject:

       "Tell me, jealous-paced swain,
          What avail thy idle arts,
          To divide united hearts?
          Love, like the wind, I trow,
          Will, where it listeth, blow;
        So, prithee, peace, for all thy cares are vain.

         "When you are by,
        Nor wishful look, be sure, nor eloquent sigh,
          Shall dare those inward fires discover,
          Which burn in either lover
        Yet Argus' self, if Argus were thy spy,
          Should ne'er, with all his mob of eyes,
               Surprise.

         "Some joys forbidden,
           Transports hidden,
        Which love, through dark and secret ways,
        Mysterious love, to kindred souls conveys."

The Chevalier de Grammont passed for the author of this sonnet: neither
the justness of the sentiment, nor turn of it, are surprisingly
beautiful; but as it contained some truths that flattered the genius of
the nation, and pleased those who interested themselves for the fair sex,
the ladies were all desirous of having it to teach their children.

During all this time the Duke of York, not being in the way of seeing
Lady Chesterfield, easily forgot her: her absence, however, had some
circumstances attending it which could not but sensibly affect the
person who had occasioned her confinement; but there are certain
fortunate tempers to which every situation is easy; they feel neither
disappointment with bitterness, nor pleasure with acuteness. In the mean
time, as the duke could not remain idle, he had no sooner forgotten Lady
Chesterfield, but he began to think of her whom he had been in love with
before, and was upon the point of relapsing into his old passion for Miss
Hamilton.

There was in London a celebrated portrait-painter called Lely, who had
greatly improved himself by studying the famous Vandyke's pictures, which
were dispersed all over England in abundance. Lely imitated Vandyke's
manner, and approached the nearest to him of all the moderns. The
Duchess of York, being desirous of having the portraits of the handsomest
persons at court, Lely painted them, and employed all his skill in the
performance; nor could he ever exert himself upon more beautiful
subjects. Every picture appeared a master-piece; and that of Miss
Hamilton appeared the highest finished: Lely himself acknowledged that he
had drawn it with a particular pleasure. The Duke of York took a delight
in looking at it, and began again to ogle the original: he had very
little reason to hope for success; and at the same time that his hopeless
passion alarmed the Chevalier de Grammont, Lady Denham thought proper to
renew the negotiation which had so unluckily been interrupted: it was
soon brought to a conclusion; for where both parties are sincere in a
negotiation, no time is lost in cavilling. Everything succeeded
prosperously on one side; yet, I know not what fatality obstructed the
pretensions of the other. The duke was very urgent with the duchess to
put Lady Denham in possession of the place which was the object of her
ambition; but as she was not guarantee for the performance of the secret
articles of the treaty, though till this time she had borne with patience
the inconstancy of the duke, and yielded submissively to his desires;
yet, in the present instance, it appeared hard and dishonourable to her,
to entertain near her person, a rival, who would expose her to the danger
of acting but a second part in the midst of her own court. However, she
saw herself upon the point of being forced to it by authority, when a far
more unfortunate obstacle for ever bereft poor Lady Denham of the hopes
of possessing that fatal place, which she had solicited with such
eagerness.

Old Denham, naturally jealous, became more and more suspicious, and found
that he had sufficient ground for such conduct: his wife was young and
handsome, he old and disagreeable: what reason then had he to flatter
himself that Heaven would exempt him from the fate of husbands in the
like circumstances? This he was continually saying to himself; but when
compliments were poured in upon him from all sides, upon the place his
lady was going to have near the duchess's person, he formed ideas of what
was sufficient to have made him hang himself, if he had possessed the
resolution. The traitor chose rather to exercise his courage against
another. He wanted precedents for putting in practice his resentments in
a privileged country: that of Lord Chesterfield was not sufficiently
bitter for the revenge he meditated: besides, he had no country-house to
which he could carry his unfortunate wife. This being the case, the old
villain made her travel a much longer journey without stirring out of
London. Merciless fate robbed her of life, and of her dearest hopes, in
the bloom of youth.

As no person entertained any doubt of his having poisoned her, the
populace of his neighbourhood had a design of tearing him in pieces, as
soon as he should come abroad; but he shut himself up to bewail her
death, until their fury was appeased by a magnificent funeral, at which
he distributed four times more burnt wine than had ever been drunk at any
burial in England.

   [The lampoons of the day, some of which are to be found in Andrew
   Marvell's Works, more than insinuate that she was deprived of life
   by a mixture infused into some chocolate. The slander of the times
   imputed her death to the jealousy of the Duchess of York.]

While the town was in fear of some great disaster, as an expiation for
these fatal effects of jealousy, Hamilton was not altogether so easy as
he flattered himself he should be after the departure of Lady
Chesterfield: he had only consulted the dictates of revenge in what he
had done. His vengeance was satisfied; but such was far from being the
case with his love; and having, since the absence of her he still
admired, notwithstanding his resentments, leisure to make those
reflections which a recent injury will not permit a man to attend to:
"And wherefore," said he to himself, "was I so eager to make her
miserable, who alone, however culpable she may be, has it in her power to
make me happy? Cursed jealousy!" continued he, "yet more cruel to those
who torment than to those who are tormented! What have I gained by
having blasted the hopes of a more happy rival, since I was not able to
perform this without depriving myself, at the same time, of her upon whom
the whole happiness and comfort of my life was centred."

Thus, clearly proving to himself, by a great many reasonings of the same
kind, and all out of season, that in such an engagement it was much
better to partake with another than to have nothing at all, he filled his
mind with a number of vain regrets and unprofitable remorse, when he
received a letter from her who occasioned them, but a letter so exactly
adapted to increase them, that, after he had read it, he looked upon
himself as the greatest scoundrel in the world. Here it follows:

"You will, no doubt, be as much surprised at this letter as I was at the
unconcerned air with which you beheld my departure. I am led to believe
that you had imagined reasons which, in your own mind, justified such
unseasonable conduct. If you are still under the impression of such
barbarous sentiments it will afford you pleasure to be made acquainted
with what I suffer in the most horrible of prisons. Whatever the country
affords most melancholy in this season presents itself to my view on all
sides: surrounded by impassable roads, out of one window I see nothing
but rocks, out of another nothing but precipices; but wherever I turn my
eyes within doors I meet those of a jealous husband, still more
insupportable than the sad objects that encompass me. I should add to
the misfortunes of my life that of seeming criminal in the eyes of a man
who ought to have justified me, even against convincing appearances, if
by my avowed innocence I had a right to complain or to expostulate: but
how is it possible for me to justify myself at such a distance; and how
can I flatter myself that the description of a most dreadful prison will
not prevent you from believing me? But do you deserve that I should wish
you did? Heavens! how I must hate you, if I did not love you to
distraction. Come, therefore, and let me once again see you, that you
may hear my justification; and I am convinced that if after this visit
you find me guilty it will not be with respect to yourself. Our Argus
sets out to-morrow for Chester, where a law-suit will detain him a week.
I know not whether he will gain it; but I am sure it will be entirely
your fault if he does not lose one, for which he is at least as anxious
as that he is now going after."

This letter was sufficient to make a man run blindfold into an adventure
still more rash than that which was proposed to him, and that was rash
enough in all respects: he could not perceive by what means she could
justify herself; but as she assured him he should be satisfied with his
journey, this was all he desired at present.

There was one of his relations with Lady Chesterfield, who, having
accompanied her in her exile, had gained some share in their mutual
confidence; and it was through her means he received this letter, with
all the necessary instructions about his journey and his arrival.
Secrecy being the soul of such expeditions, especially before an amour
is accomplished, he took post, and set out in the night, animated by the
most tender and flattering wishes, so that, in less than no time almost,
in comparison with the distance and the badness of the roads, he had
travelled a hundred and fifty tedious miles at the last stage he
prudently dismissed the post-boy. It was not yet daylight, and
therefore, for fear of the rocks and precipices mentioned in her letter,
he proceeded with tolerable discretion, considering he was in love.

By this means he fortunately escaped all the dangerous places, and,
according to his instructions, alighted at a little hut adjoining to the
park wall. The place was not magnificent; but, as he only wanted rest,
it did well enough for that: he did not wish for daylight, and was even
still less desirous of being seen; wherefore, having shut himself up in
this obscure retreat, he fell into a profound sleep, and did not wake
until noon. As he was particularly hungry when he awoke, he ate and
drank heartily: and, as he was the neatest man at court, and was expected
by the neatest lady in England, he spent the remainder of the day in
dressing himself, and in making all those preparations which the time and
place permitted, without deigning once to look around him, or to ask his
landlord a single question. At last the orders he expected with great
impatience were brought him, in the beginning of the evening, by a
servant, who, attending him as a guide, after having led him for about
half an hour in the dirt, through a park of vast extent, brought him at
last into a garden, into which a little door opened: he was posted
exactly opposite to this door, by which, in a short time, he was to be
introduced to a more agreeable situation; and here his conductor left
him. The night advanced, but the door never opened.

Though the winter was almost over, the cold weather seemed only to be
beginning: he was dirtied up to his knees in mud, and soon perceived that
if he continued much longer in this garden it would all be frozen. This
beginning of a very dark and bitter night would have been unbearable to
any other; but it was nothing to a man who flattered himself to pass the
remainder of it in the height of bliss. However, he began to wonder at
so many precautions in the absence of a husband his imagination, by a
thousand delicious and tender ideas supported him some time against the
torments of impatience and the inclemency of the weather; but he felt his
imagination, notwithstanding, cooling by degrees; and two hours, which
seemed to him as tedious as two whole ages, having passed, and not the
least notice being taken of him, either from the door or from the window,
he began to reason with himself upon the posture of his affairs, and what
was the fittest conduct for him to pursue in this emergency: "What if
I should rap at this cursed door," said he; "for if my fate requires that
I should perish, it is at least more honourable to die in the house than
to be starved to death in the garden but then," continued he, "I may,
thereby, perhaps, expose a person whom some unforeseen accident may, at
this very instant, have reduced to greater perplexity than even I myself
am in." This thought supplied him with a necessary degree of patience
and fortitude against the enemies he had to contend with; he therefore
began to walk quickly to and fro, with resolution to wait, as long as he
could keep alive, the end of an adventure which had such an uncomfortable
beginning. All this was to no purpose; for though he used every effort
to keep himself warm, and though muffled up in a thick cloak, yet he
began to be benumbed in all his limbs, and the cold gained the ascendancy
over all his amorous vivacity and eagerness. Daybreak was not far off,
and judging now that, though the accursed door should even be opened, it
would be to no purpose, he returned, as well as he could, to the place
from whence he had set out upon this wonderful expedition.

All the faggots that were in the cottage were hardly able to unfreeze
him: the more he reflected on his adventure, the circumstances attending
it appeared still the more strange and unaccountable; but so far from
accusing the charming countess, he suffered a thousand different
anxieties on her account. Sometimes he imagined that her husband might
have returned unexpectedly; sometimes, that she might suddenly have been
taken ill; in short, that some insuperable obstacle had unluckily
interposed, and prevented his happiness, notwithstanding his mistress's
kind intentions towards him. "But wherefore," said he, "did she forget
me in that cursed garden? Is it possible that she could not find a
single moment to make me at least, some sign or other, if she could
neither speak to me nor give me admittance?" He knew not which of these
conjectures to rely upon, or how to answer his own questions; but as he
flattered himself that everything would succeed better the next night,
after having vowed not to set a foot again into that unfortunate garden,
he gave orders to be awakened as soon as any person should inquire for
him: then he laid himself down in one of the worst beds in the world, and
slept as sound as if he had been in the best: he supposed that he should
not be awakened, but either by a letter or a message from Lady
Chesterfield; but he had scarce slept two hours when he was roused by the
sound of the horn and the cry of the hounds. The but which afforded him
a retreat, joining, as we before said, to the park wall, he called his
host, to know what was the occasion of that hunting, which made a noise
as if the whole pack of hounds had been in his bed-chamber. He was told
that it was my lord hunting a hare in his park. "What lord?" said he,
in great surprise. "The Earl of Chesterfield," replied the pea sant.
He was so astonished at this that at first he hid his head under the
bed-clothes, under the idea that he already saw him entering with all his
bounds; but as soon as he had a little recovered himself he began to
curse capricious fortune, no longer doubting but this jealous fool's
return had occasioned all his tribulations in the preceding night.

It was not possible for him to sleep again, after such an alarm; he
therefore got up, that he might revolve in his mind all the stratagems
that are usually employed either to deceive, or to remove out of the way,
a jealous scoundrel of a husband, who thought fit to neglect his law-suit
in order to plague his wife. He had just finished dressing himself, and
was beginning to question his landlord, when the same servant who had
conducted him to the garden delivered him a letter, and disappeared,
without waiting for an answer. This letter was from his relation, and
was to this effect:

"I am extremely sorry that I have innocently been accessary to bringing
you to a place, to which you were only invited to be laughed at: I
opposed this journey at first, though I was then persuaded it was wholly
suggested by her tenderness; but she has now undeceived me: she triumphs
in the trick she has played you: her husband has not stirred from hence,
but stays at home, out of complaisance to her: he treats her in the most
affectionate manner; and it was upon their reconciliation that she found
out that you had advised him to carry her into the country. She has
conceived such hatred and aversion against you for it, that I find, from
her discourse, she has not yet wholly satisfied her resentment. Console
yourself for the hatred of a person, whose heart never merited your
tenderness. Return: a longer stay in this place will but draw upon you
some fresh misfortune: for my part, I shall soon leave her: I know her,
and I thank God for it. I do not repent having pitied her at first; but
I am disgusted with an employment which but ill agrees with my way of
thinking."

Upon reading this letter, astonishment, shame, hatred, and rage, seized
at once upon his heart: then menaces, invectives, and the desire of
vengeance, broke forth by turns, and excited his passion and resentment;
but, after he deliberately considered the matter, he resolved that it was
now the best way quietly to mount his horse, and to carry back with him
to London a severe cold, instead of the soft wishes and tender desires he
had brought from thence. He quitted this perfidious place with much
greater expedition than he had arrived at it, though his mind was far
from being occupied with such tender and agreeable ideas: however, when
he thought himself at a sufficient distance to be out of danger of
meeting Lord Chesterfield and his hounds, he chose to look back, that
he might at least have the satisfaction of seeing the prison where this
wicked enchantress was confined; but what was his surprise, when he saw a
very fine house, situated on the banks of a river, in the most delightful
and pleasant country imaginable. Neither rock nor precipice was here to
be seen; for, in reality, they were only in the letter of his perfidious
mistress. This furnished fresh cause for resentment and confusion to a
man who thought himself so well acquainted with all the wiles, as well as
weaknesses, of the fair sex; and who now found himself the dupe of a
coquette, who was reconciled to her husband in order to be revenged on
her lover.

At last he reached London, well furnished with arguments to maintain that
a man must be extremely weak to trust to the tenderness of a woman who
has once deceived him, but that he must be a complete fool to run after
her.

This adventure not being much to his credit, he suppressed, as much as
possible, both the journey and the circumstances attending it; but, as we
may easily suppose, Lady Chesterfield made no secret of it, the king came
to the knowledge of it; and, having complimented Hamilton upon it,
desired to be informed of all the particulars of the expedition. The
Chevalier de Grammont happened to be present at this recital; and, having
gently inveighed against the treacherous manner in which he had been
used, said: "If she is to be blamed for carrying the jest so far, you
are no less to be blamed for coming back so suddenly, like an ignorant
novice. I dare lay an hundred guineas, she has more than once repented
of a resentment which you pretty well deserved for the trick you had
played her: women love revenge; but their resentments seldom last long;
and if you had remained in the neighbourhood till the next day, I will be
hanged if she would not have given you satisfaction for the first night's
sufferings." Hamilton being of a different opinion, the Chevalier de
Grammont resolved to maintain his assertion by a case in point; and,
addressing himself to the king: "Sir," said he, "your majesty, I suppose,
must have known Marion de l'Orme, the most charming creature in all
France: though she was as witty as an angel, she was as capricious as a
devil. This beauty having made me an appointment, a whim seized her to
put me off, and to give it to another; she therefore wrote me one of the
tenderest billets in the world, full of the grief and sorrow she was in,
by being obliged to disappoint me; on account of a most terrible
headache, that obliged her to keep her bed, and deprived her of the
pleasure of seeing me till the next day. This headache coming all of a
sudden, appeared to me very suspicious; and, never doubting but it was
her intention to jilt me: 'Very well, mistress coquette,' said I to
myself, 'if you do not enjoy the pleasure of seeing me this day, you
shall not enjoy the satisfaction of seeing another.'

"Hereupon, I detached all my servants, some of whom patrolled about her
house, whilst others watched her door; one of the latter brought me
intelligence that no person had gone into her house all the afternoon;
but that a foot-boy had gone out as it grew dark; that he followed him as
far as the Rue Saint Antoine, where this boy met another, to whom he only
spoke two or three words. This was sufficient to confirm my suspicions,
and make me resolve either to make one of the party, or to disconcert it.

   [Marion de l'Orme, born at Chalons, in Champagne, was esteemed the
   most beautiful woman of her times. It is believed that she was
   secretly married to the unfortunate Monsieur Cinqmars. After his
   death, she became the mistress of Cardinal Richelieu, and, at last,
   of Monsieur d'Emery, superintendent of the finances.]

"As the bagnio where I lodged was at a great distance from the Marais, as
soon as the night set in I mounted my horse, without any attendant. When
I came to the Place-Royale, the servant, who was sentry there, assured me
that no person was yet gone into Mademoiselle de l'Orme's house: I rode
forward towards the Rue Saint Antoine; and, just as I was going out of
the Place-Royale, I saw a man on foot coming into it, who avoided me as
much as he possibly could; but his endeavour was all to no purpose; I
knew him to be the Duke de Brissac, and I no longer doubted but he was my
rival that night: I then approached towards him, seeming as if I feared I
mistook my man; and, alighting with a very busy air 'Brissac, my friend,'
said I, 'you must do me a service of the very greatest importance: I have
an appointment, for the first time, with a girl who lives very near this
place; and, as this visit is only to concert measures, I shall make but a
very short stay: be so kind, therefore, as to lend me your cloak, and
walk my horse about a little, until I return; but, above all, do not go
far from this place: you see that I use you freely like a friend; but you
know it is upon condition that you may take the same liberty with me.'
I took his cloak, without waiting for his answer, and he took my horse by
the bridle, and followed me with his eye; but he gained no intelligence
by this; for, after having pretended to go into a house opposite to him,
I slipped under the piazzas to Mademoiselle de l'Orme's, where the door
was opened as soon as I knocked. I was so much muffled up in Brissac's
cloak that I was taken for him: the door was immediately shut, not the
least question asked me; and having none to ask myself I went straight to
the lady's chamber. I found her upon a couch in the most agreeable and
genteelest deshabille imaginable: she never in her life looked so
handsome, nor was so greatly surprised; and, seeing her speechless and
confounded: 'What is the matter, my fair one?' said I, 'methinks this is
a headache very elegantly set off; but your headache, to all appearance,
is now gone?' 'Not in the least,' said she, 'I can scarce support it,
and you will oblige me in going away that I may go to bed.' 'As for your
going to bed, to that I have not the least objection,' said I, 'but as
for my going away, that cannot be, my little princess: the Chevalier de
Grammont is no fool; a woman does not dress herself with so much care for
nothing.' 'You will find, however,' said she, 'that it is for nothing;
for you may depend upon it that you shall be no gainer by it.' 'What!'
said I, 'after having made me an appointment!' 'Well,' replied she
hastily, 'though I had made you fifty, it still depends upon me, whether
I chose to keep them or not, and you must submit if I do not.' 'This
might do very well,' said I, 'if it was not to give it to another.'
Mademoiselle de l'Orme, as haughty as a woman of the greatest virtue,
and as passionate as one who has the least, was irritated at a suspicion
which gave her more concern than confusion; and seeing that she was
beginning to put herself in a passion: 'Madam,' said I, 'pray do not talk
in so high a strain; I know what perplexes you: you are afraid lest
Brissac should meet me here; but you may make yourself easy on that
account: I met him not far from this place, and God knows that I have so
managed the affair as to prevent his visiting you soon.' Having spoken
these words in a tone somewhat tragical, she appeared concerned at first,
and, looking upon me with surprise: 'What do you mean about the Duke de
Brissac?' said she. 'I mean,' replied I, 'that he is at the end of the
street, walking my horse about; but, if you will not believe me, send one
of your own servants thither, or look at his cloak which I left in your
ante-chamber.' Upon this she burst into a fit of laughter, in the midst
of her astonishment, and, throwing her arms around my neck, 'My dear
Chevalier,' said she, 'I can hold out no longer; you are too amiable and
too eccentric not to be pardoned.' I then told her the whole story: she
was ready to die with laughing; and, parting very good friends, she
assured me my rival might exercise horses as long as he pleased, but that
he should not set his foot within her doors that night.

"I found the duke exactly in the place where I had left him: I asked him
a thousand pardons for having made him wait so long, and thanked him a
thousand times for his complaisance. He told me I jested, that such
compliments were unusual among friends; and to convince me that he had
cordially rendered me this piece of service, he would, by all means, hold
my horse while I was mounting. I returned him his cloak, bade him good
night, and went back to my lodgings, equally satisfied with my mistress
and my rival. This," continued he, "proves that a little patience and
address are sufficient to disarm the anger of the fair, to turn even
their tricks to a man's advantage."

It was in vain that the Chevalier de Grammont diverted the court with his
stories, instructed by his example, and never appeared there but to
inspire universal joy; for a long time he was the only foreigner in
fashion. Fortune, jealous of the justice which is done to merit, and
desirous of seeing all human happiness depend on her caprice, raised up
against him two competitors for the pleasure he had long enjoyed of
entertaining the English court; and these competitors were so much the
more dangerous, as the reputation of their several merits had preceded
their arrival, in order to dispose the suffrages of the court in their
favour.

They came to display, in their own persons, whatever was the most
accomplished either among the men of the sword, or of the gown. The one
was the Marquis de Flamarens, the sad object of the sad elegies of the
Countess de la Suse, the other was the president Tambonneau, the most
humble and most obedient servant and admirer of the beauteous Luynes. As
they arrived together, they exerted every endeavour to shine in concert:
their talents were as different as their persons; Tambonneau, who was
tolerably ugly, founded his hopes upon a great store of wit, which,
however, no person in England could find out; and Flamarens, by his air
and mien, courted admiration, which was flatly denied him.

They had agreed mutually to assist each other, in order to succeed in
their intentions; and therefore, in their first visits, the one appeared
in state, and the other was the spokesman. But they found the ladies in
England of a far different taste from those who had rendered them famous
in France: the rhetoric of the one had no effect on the fair sex, and the
fine mien of the other distinguished him only in a minuet, which he first
introduced into England, and which he danced with tolerable success.
The English court had been too long accustomed to the solid wit of Saint
Evremond, and the natural and singular charms of his hero, to be seduced
by appearances; however, as the English have, in general, a sort of
predilection in favour of anything that has the appearance of bravery,
Flamarens was better received on account of a duel, which, obliging him
to leave his own country, was a recommendation to him in England.

Miss Hamilton had, at first, the honour of being distinguished by
Tambonneau, who thought she possessed a sufficient share of wit to
discover the delicacy of his; and, being delighted to find that nothing
was lost in her conversation, either as to the turn, the expression, or
beauty of the thought, he frequently did her the favour to converse with
her; and, perhaps, he would never have found out that he was tiresome,
if, contenting himself with the display of his eloquence, he had not
thought proper to attack her heart. This was carrying the matter a
little too far for Miss Hamilton's complaisance, who was of opinion
that she had already shown him too much for the tropes of his harangues:
he was therefore desired to try somewhere else the experiment of his
seducing tongue, and not to lose the merit of his former constancy
by an infidelity which would be of no advantage to him.

He followed this advice like a wise and tractable man; and some time
after, returning to his old mistress in France, he began to lay in a
store of politics for those important negotiations in which he has since
been employed.

It was not till after his departure that the Chevalier de Grammont heard
of the amorous declaration he had made: this was a confidence of no great
importance; it, however, saved Tambonneau from some ridicule which might
have fallen to his share before he went away. His colleague, Flamarens,
deprived of his support, soon perceived that he was not likely to meet in
England with the success he had expected, both from love and fortune: but
Lord Falmouth, ever attentive to the glory of his master, in the relief
of illustrious men in distress, provided for his subsistence, and Lady
Southesk for his pleasures: he obtained a pension from the king, and from
her everything he desired; and most happy was it for him that she had no
other present to bestow but that of her heart.

It was at this time that Talbot, whom we have before mentioned, and
who was afterwards created Duke of Tyrconnel, fell in love with Miss
Hamilton. There was not a more genteel man at court: he was indeed but
a younger brother, though of a very ancient family, which, however, was
not very considerable either for its renown or its riches; and though he
was naturally of a careless disposition, yet, being intent upon making
his fortune, and much in favour with the Duke of York, and fortune
likewise favouring him at play, he had improved both so well that he was
in possession of about forty thousand pounds a year in land. He offered
himself to Miss Hamilton, with this fortune, together with the almost
certain hopes of being made a peer of the realm, by his master's credit;
and, over-and-above all, as many sacrifices as she could desire of Lady
Shrewsbury's letters, pictures, and hair; curiosities which, indeed, are
reckoned for nothing in housekeeping, but which testify strongly in
favour of the sincerity and merit of a lover.

Such a rival was not to be despised; and the Chevalier de Grammont
thought him the more dangerous, as he perceived that Talbot was
desperately in love; that he was not a man to be discouraged by a first
repulse; that he had too much sense and good breeding to draw upon
himself either contempt or coldness by too great eagerness; and, besides
this, his brothers began to frequent the house. One of these brothers
was almoner to the queen, an intriguing Jesuit, and a great match-maker:
the other was what was called a lay-monk, who had nothing of his order
but the immorality and infamy of character which is ascribed to them; and
withal, frank and free, and sometimes entertaining, but ever ready to
speak bold and offensive truths, and to do good offices.

When the Chevalier de Grammont reflected upon all these things, there
certainly was strong ground for uneasiness: nor was the indifference
which Miss Hamilton showed for the addresses of his rival sufficient to
remove his fears; for being absolutely dependent on her father's will,
she could only answer for her own intentions: but Fortune, who seemed to
have taken him under her protection in England, now delivered him from
all his uneasiness.

Talbot had for many years stood forward as the patron of the distressed
Irish: this zeal for his countrymen was certainly very commendable in
itself; at the same time, however, it was not altogether free from
self-interest: for, out of all the estates he had, through his credit,
procured the restoration of to their primitive owners, he had always
obtained some small compensation for himself; but, as each owner found
his advantage in it, no complaint was made. Nevertheless, as it is very
difficult to use fortune and favour with moderation, and not to swell
with the gales of prosperity, some of his proceedings had an air of
haughtiness and independence, which offended the Duke of Ormond, then
Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, as injurious to his Grace's authority. The
Duke resented this behaviour with great spirit. As there certainly was
a great difference between them, both as to their birth and rank, and
to their credit, it had been prudent in Talbot to have had recourse to
apologies and submission; but such conduct appeared to him base, and
unworthy for a man of his importance to submit to: he accordingly acted
with haughtiness and insolence; but he was soon convinced of his error;
for, having inconsiderately launched out into some arrogant expressions,
which it neither became him to utter nor the Duke of Ormond to forgive,
he was sent prisoner to the Tower, from whence he could not be released
until he had made all necessary submissions to his Grace: he therefore
employed all his friends for that purpose, and was obliged to yield more
to get out of this scrape than would have been necessary to have avoided
it. By this imprudent conduct he lost all hopes of marrying into a
family, which, after such a proceeding, was not likely to listen to any
proposal from him.

   [A very exact account of this transaction is given by Lord
   Clarendon, by which it appears, that Talbot was committed to the
   Tower for threatening to assassinate the Duke of Ormond.
   --Continuation of Clarendon, p. 362.]

It was with great difficulty and mortification that he was obliged to
suppress a passion which had made far greater progress in his heart than
this quarrel had done good to his affairs. This being the case, he was
of opinion that his presence was necessary in Ireland, and that he was
better out of the way of Miss Hamilton, to remove those impressions which
still troubled his repose: his departure, therefore, soon followed this
resolution.

Talbot played deep, and was tolerably forgetful: the Chevalier de
Grammont won three or four hundred guineas of him the very evening on
which he was sent to the Tower. That accident had made him forget his
usual punctuality in paying the next morning whatever he had lost
over-night; and this debt had so far escaped his memory, that it never
once occurred to him after he was enlarged. The Chevalier de Grammont,
who saw him at his departure, without taking the least notice of the
money he owed him, wished him a good journey; and, having met him at
court, as he came to take his leave of the king: "Talbot," said he, "if
my services can be of any use to you during your absence, you have but to
command them: you know old Russell has left his nephew as his resident
with Miss Hamilton: if you please, I will act for you in the same
capacity. Adieu, God bless you: be sure not to fall sick upon the road;
but if you should, pray remember me in your will." Talbot, who, upon
this compliment, immediately recollected the money he owed the Chevalier,
burst out a-laughing, and embracing him: "My dear Chevalier," said he, "I
am so much obliged to you for your offer, that I resign you my mistress,
and will send you your money instantly." The Chevalier de Grammont
possessed a thousand of these genteel ways of refreshing the memories of
those persons who were apt to be forgetful in their payments. The
following is the method he used some years after with Lord Cornwallis:
this lord had married the daughter of Sir Stephen Fox,--treasurer of the
king's household, one of the richest and most regular men in England.
His son-in-law, on the contrary, was a young spendthrift, was very
extravagant, loved gaming, lost as much as any one would trust him, but
was not quite so ready at paying. His father-in-law disapproved of his
conduct, paid his debts, and gave him a lecture at the same time. The
Chevalier de Grammont had won of him a thousand or twelve hundred
guineas, which he heard no tidings of, although he was upon the eve of
his departure, and he had taken leave of Cornwallis in a more particular
manner than any other person. This obliged the Chevalier to write him a
billet, which was rather laconic. It was this:

   "MY LORD,

   "Pray remember the Count de Grammont, and do not forget Sir Stephen
   Fox."

To return to Talbot: he went away more concerned than became a man who
had voluntarily resigned his mistress to another: neither his stay in
Ireland, nor his solicitude about his domestic affairs, perfectly cured
him; and if at his return he found himself disengaged from Miss
Hamilton's chains, it was only to exchange them for others. The
alteration that had taken place in the two courts occasioned this
change in him, as we shall see in the sequel.

We have hitherto only mentioned the queen's maids of honour, upon account
of Miss Stewart and Miss Warmestre the others were Miss Bellenden,
Mademoiselle de la Garde and Mademoiselle Bardou, all maids of honour,
as it pleased God.

Miss Bellenden was no beauty, but was a good-natured girl, whose chief
merit consisted in being plump and fresh-coloured; and who, not having a
sufficient stock of wit to be a coquette in form, used all her endeavours
to please every person by her complaisance. Mademoiselle de la Garde,
and Mademoiselle Bardou, both French, had been preferred to their places
by the queen dowager: the first was a little brunette, who was
continually meddling in the affairs of her companions; and the other by
all means claimed the rank of a maid of honour, though she only lodged
with the others, and both her title and services were constantly
contested.

It was hardly possible for a woman to be more ugly, with so fine a shape;
but as a recompense, her ugliness was set off with every art. The use
she was put to, was to dance with Flamarens, and sometimes, towards the
conclusion of a ball, possessed of castanets and effrontery, she would
dance some figured saraband or other, which amused the court. Let us now
see in what manner this ended.

As Miss Stewart was very seldom in waiting on the queen, she was scarcely
considered as a maid of honour: the others went off almost at the same
time, by different adventures; and this is the history of Miss Warmestre,
whom we have before mentioned, when speaking of the Chevalier de
Grammont.

Lord Taaffe, eldest son of the Earl of Carlingford, was supposed to be
in love with her; and Miss Warmestre not only imagined it was so, but
likewise persuaded herself that he would not fail to marry her the first
opportunity; and in the mean time she thought it her duty to entertain
him with all the civility imaginable. Taaffe had made the Duke of
Richmond his confidant: these two were particularly attached to each
other; but still more so to wine. The Duke of Richmond, notwithstanding
his birth, made but an indifferent figure at court; and the king
respected him still less than his courtiers did: and perhaps it was in
order to court his majesty's favour that he thought proper to fall in
love with Miss Stewart. The Duke and Lord Taaffe made each other the
confidants of their respective engagements; and these were the measures
they took to put their designs in execution. Little Mademoiselle de la
Gardet was charged to acquaint Miss Stewart that the Duke of Richmond
was dying of love for her, and that when he ogled her in public it was
a certain sign that he was ready to marry her, as soon as ever she would
consent.

Taaffe had no commission to give the little ambassadress for Miss
Warmestre; for there everything was already arranged; but she was charged
to settle and provide some conveniences which were still wanting for the
freedom of their commerce, such as to have free egress and regress to her
at all hours of the day or night: this appeared difficult to be obtained,
but it was, however, at length accomplished.

The governess of the maids of honour, who for the world would not have
connived at anything that was not fair and honourable, consented that
they should sup as often as they pleased in Miss Warmestre's apartments,
provided their intentions were honourable, and she one of the company.
The good old lady was particularly fond of green oysters, and had no
aversion to Spanish wine: she was certain of finding at every one of
these suppers two barrels of oysters; one to be eaten with the party, and
the other for her to carry away: as soon, therefore, as she had taken her
dose of wine, she took her leave of the company.

It was much about the time that the Chevalier de Grammont had cast his
eyes upon Miss Warmestre, that this kind of life was led in her chamber.
God knows how many ham pies, bottles of wine, and other products of his
lordship's liberality were there consumed!

In the midst of these nocturnal festivals, and of this innocent commerce,
a relation of Killegrew's came up to London about a lawsuit: he gained
his cause, but nearly lost his senses.

He was a country gentleman, who had been a widower about six months, and
was possessed of fifteen or sixteen thousand pounds a-year: the good man,
who had no business at court, went thither merely to see his cousin
Killegrew, who could have dispensed with his visits. He there saw Miss
Warmestre; and at first sight fell in love with her. His passion
increased to such a degree that, having no rest either by day or night,
he was obliged to have recourse to extraordinary remedies; he therefore
early one morning called upon his cousin Killegrew, told him his case,
and desired him to demand Miss Warmestre in marriage for him.

Killegrew was struck with wonder and astonishment when he heard his
design: nor could he cease wondering at what sort of creature, of all the
women in London, his cousin had resolved upon marrying. It was some time
before Killegrew could believe that he was in earnest; but when he was
convinced that he was, he began to enumerate the dangers and
inconveniences attending so rash an enterprise. He told him that a girl
educated at court, was a terrible piece of furniture for the country;
that to carry her thither against her inclination, would as effectually
rob him of his happiness and repose, as if he was transported to hell;
that if he consented to let her stay, he needed only to compute what it
would cost him in equipage, table, clothes, and gaming-money, to maintain
her in London according to her caprices; and then to cast up how long his
fifteen thousand a-year would last.

His cousin had already formed this computation; but, finding his reason
less potent than his love, he remained fixed in his resolution; and
Killegrew, yielding at length to his importunities, went and offered his
cousin, bound hand and foot, to the victorious fair. As he dreaded
nothing more than a compliance on her part, so nothing could astonish him
more than the contempt with which she received his proposal. The scorn
with which she refused him, made him believe that she was sure of Lord
Taaffe, and wonder how a girl like her could find out two men who would
venture to marry her. He hastened to relate this refusal, with all the
most aggravating circumstances, as the best news he could carry to his
cousin; but his cousin would not believe him: he supposed that Killegrew
disguised the truth, for the same reasons he had already alleged; and not
daring to mention the matter any more to him, he resolved to wait upon
her himself. He summoned all his courage for the enterprise, and got his
compliment by heart; but as soon as he had opened his mouth for the
purpose, she told him he might have saved himself the trouble of calling
on her about such a ridiculous affair; that she had already given her
answer to Killegrew; and that she neither had, nor ever should have, any
other to give; which words she accompanied with all the severity with
which importunate demands are usually refused.

He was more affected than confounded at this repulse: everything became
odious to him in London, and he himself more so than all the rest: he
therefore left town, without taking leave of his cousin, went back to his
country seat, and thinking it would be impossible for him to live without
the inhuman fair, he resolved to neglect no opportunity in his power to
hasten his death.

But whilst, in order to indulge his sorrow, he had forsaken all
intercourse with dogs and horses; that is to say, renounced all the
delights and endearments of a country squire, the scornful nymph, who was
certainly mistaken in her reckoning, took the liberty of being brought
to-bed in the face of the whole court.

An adventure so public made no small noise, as we may very well
imagine: all the prudes at court at once broke loose upon it; and those
principally, whose age or persons secured them from any such scandal,
were the most inveterate, and cried most loudly for justice. But the
governess of the maids of honour, who might have been called to an
account for it, affirmed that it was nothing at all, and that she was
possessed of circumstances which would at once silence all censorious
tongues. She had an audience of the queen, in order to unfold the
mystery; and related to her majesty how everything had passed with her
consent, that is to say, upon honourable terms.

The queen sent to inquire of Lord Taaffe, whether he acknowledged Miss
Warmestre for his wife: to which he most respectfully returned for
answer, that he neither acknowledged Miss Warmestre nor her child, and
that he wondered why she should rather father it upon him than any other.
The unfortunate Warmestre, more enraged at this answer than at the loss
of such a lover, quitted the court as soon as ever she was able, with a
resolution of quitting the world the first opportunity.

Killegrew, being upon the point of setting out upon a journey, when this
adventure happened, thought he might as well call upon his afflicted
cousin in his way, to acquaint him with the circumstance; and as soon as
he saw him, without paying any attention to the delicacy of his love, or
to his feelings, he bluntly told him the whole story: nor did he omit any
colouring that could heighten his indignation, in order to make him burst
with shame and resentment.

We read that the gentle Tiridates quietly expired upon the recital of the
death of Mariamne; but Killegrew's fond cousin falling devoutly upon his
knees, and lifting up his eyes to Heaven, poured forth this exclamation:

"Praised be the Lord for a small misfortune, which perhaps may prove
the comfort of my life! Who knows but the beauteous Warmestre will now
accept of me for a husband; and that I may have the happiness of passing
the remainder of my days with a woman I adore, and by whom I may expect
to have heirs?" "Certainly," said Killegrew, more confounded than his
cousin ought to have been on such an occasion, "you may depend upon
having both: I make no manner of doubt but she will marry you as soon as
ever she is recovered from her lying-in; and it would be a great
ill-nature in her, who already knows the way, to let you want children:
however, in the meantime I advise you to take that she has already,
till you get more."

Notwithstanding this raillery, all that was said did take place. This
faithful lover courted her, as if she had been the chaste Lucretia, or
the beauteous Helen: his passion even increased after marriage, and the
generous fair, first out of gratitude, and afterwards through
inclination, never brought him a child of which he was not the father;
and though there have been many a happy couple in England, this certainly
was the happiest.

Some time after, Miss Bellenden, not being terrified by this example,
had the prudence to quit the court before she was obliged so to do: the
disagreeable Bardou followed her soon after; but for different reasons.
Every person was at last completely tired of her saraband, as well as of
her face; and the king, that he might see neither of them any more, gave
each a small pension for her subsistence. There now only remained little
Mademoiselle de la Garde to be provided for neither her virtues nor her
vices were sufficiently conspicuous to occasion her being either
dismissed from court, or pressed to remain there: God knows what would
have become of her, if a Mr. Silvius, a man who had nothing of a Roman in
him except the name, had not taken the poor girl to be his wife. We have
now shown how all these damsels deserved to be expelled, either for their
irregularities, or for their ugliness; and yet, those who replaced them
found means to make them regretted, Miss Wells only excepted.

She was a tall girl, exquisitely shaped: she dressed very genteel, walked
like a goddess; and yet, her face, though made like those that generally
please the most, was unfortunately one of those that pleased the least:
nature had spread over it a certain careless indolence that made her look
sheepish. This gave but a bad opinion of her wit: and her wit had the
ill-luck to make good that opinion: however, as she was fresh coloured,
and appeared inexperienced, the king, whom the fair Stewart did not
render over nice as to the perfections of the mind, resolved to try
whether the senses would not fare better with Miss Wells's person than
fine sentiments with her understanding: nor was this experiment attended
with much difficulty: she was of a loyal family; and her father having
faithfully served Charles the First, she thought it her duty not to
revolt against Charles the Second. But this connection was not attended
with very advantageous circumstances for herself; some pretended that she
did not hold out long enough, and that she surrendered at discretion
before she was vigorously attacked; and others said, that his majesty
complained of certain other facilities still less pleasing. The Duke of
Buckingham made a couplet upon this occasion, wherein the king, speaking
to Progers, the confidant of his intrigues, puns upon the name of the
fair one, to the following purport:

     When the king felt the horrible depth of this Well,
     "Tell me, Progers," cried Charlie, "where am I? oh tell!
     Had I sought the world's centre to find, I had found it,
     But this Well! ne'er a plummet was made that could sound it."

   [Edward Progers, Esq., was a younger son of Philip Progers, Esq., of
   the family of Garreddin, in Monmouthshire. His father was a colonel
   in the army, and equerry to James I. Edward was early introduced to
   court, and, after having been page to Charles I., was made groom of
   the bed-chamber to his son, while Prince of Wales. He attached
   himself to the king's interest during the war with the parliament,
   with laudable fidelity. The following letter, from which
   antiquaries may derive the minute information that Charles II. did
   wear mourning for a whole year for his father, serves to shew the
   familiar style which Charles used to Progers, as well as his
   straitened circumstances while in the island of Jersey.

   "Progers, I wold have you (besides the embroidred sute) bring me a
   plaine riding suite, with an innocent coate, the suites I haue for
   horsebacke being so spotted and spoiled that they are not to be
   seene out of this island. The lining of the coate, and the petit
   toies are referred to your greate discretion, provided there want
   nothing when it comes to be put on. I doe not remember there was a
   belt, or a hat-band, in your directions for the embroidred suite,
   and those are so necessarie as you must not forget them.

   "Jearsey, 14th Jan. old stile, 1649.      CHARLES R."]

Miss Wells, notwithstanding this species of anagram upon her name, and
these remarks upon her person, shone the brightest among her new
companions. These were Miss Levingston, Miss Fielding, and Miss Boynton,
who little deserve to be mentioned in these memoirs; therefore we shall
leave them in obscurity until it please fortune to draw them out of it.

This was the new establishment of maids of honour to the queen. The
Duchess of York, nearly about the same time, likewise recruited hers; but
showed, by a happier and more brilliant choice, that England possessed an
inexhaustible stock of beauties. But before we begin to speak of them,
let us see who were the first maids of honour to her royal highness, and
on what account they were removed.

Besides Miss Blague and Miss Price, whom we have before mentioned, the
establishment was composed of Miss Bagot and Miss Hobart, the president
of the community. Miss Blague, who never knew the true reason of her
quarrel with the Marquis de Brisacier, took it up upon that fatal letter
she had received from him, wherein, without acquainting her that Miss
Price was to wear the same sort of gloves and yellow riband as herself,
he had only complimented her upon her hair, her fair complexion, and her
eyes marcassins. This word she imagined must signify something
particularly wonderful, since her eyes were compared to it; and being
desirous, some time afterwards, to know all the energy of the expression,
she asked the meaning of the French word marcassin. As there are no wild
boars in England, those to whom she addressed herself, told her that it
signified a young pig. This scandalous simile confirmed her in the
belief she entertained of his perfidy. Brisacier, more amazed at her
change, than she was offended at his supposed calumny, looked upon her
as a woman still more capricious than insignificant, and never troubled
himself more about her; but Sir Yarborough, of as fair a complexion as
herself, made her an offer of marriage in the height of her resentment,
and was accepted: chance made up this match, I suppose, as an experiment
to try what such a white-haired union would produce.

Miss Price was witty; and as her person was not very likely to attract
many admirers, which, however, she was resolved to have, she was far from
being coy when an occasion offered: she did not so much as make any
terms: she was violent in her resentments, as well as in her attachments,
which had exposed her to some inconveniences; and she had very
indiscreetly quarrelled with a young girl whom Lord Rochester admired.
This connection, which till then had been a secret, she had the
imprudence to publish to the whole world, and thereby drew upon herself
the most dangerous enemy in the universe: never did any man write with
more ease, humour, spirit, and delicacy; but he was at the same time the
most severe satirist.

Poor Miss Price, who had thus voluntarily provoked his resentment, was
daily exposed in some new shape: there was every day some new song or
other, the subject of which was her conduct, and the burden her name.
How was it possible for her to bear up against these attacks, in a court,
where every person was eager to obtain the most insignificant trifle that
came from the pen of Lord Rochester? The loss of her lover, and the
discovery that attended it, was only wanting to complete the persecution
that was raised against her.

About this time died Dongan, a gentleman of merit, who was succeeded by
Durfort, afterwards Earl of Feversham, in the post of lieutenant of the
duke's life guards. Miss Price having tenderly loved him, his death
plunged her into a gulf of despair; but the inventory of his effects had
almost deprived her of her senses: there was in it a certain little box
sealed up on all sides: it was addressed in the deceased's own
handwriting to Miss Price; but instead of receiving it, she had not even
the courage to look upon it. The governess thought it became her in
prudence to receive it, on Miss Price's refusal, and her duty to deliver
it to the duchess herself, supposing it was filled with many curious and
precious commodities, of which perhaps she might make some advantage.
Though the duchess was not altogether of the same opinion, she had the
curiosity to see what was contained in a box sealed up in a manner so
particularly careful, and therefore caused it to be opened in the
presence of some ladies, who happened then to be in her closet.

All kinds of love trinkets were found in it; and all these favours, it
appeared, came from the tender-hearted Miss Price. It was difficult to
comprehend how a single person could have furnished so great a
collection; for, besides counting the pictures, there was hair of all
descriptions, wrought into bracelets, lockets, and into a thousand other
different devices, wonderful to see. After these were three or four
packets of letters, of so tender a nature, and so full of raptures and
languors so naturally expressed, that the duchess could not endure the
reading of any more than the two first.

Her royal highness was sorry that she had caused the box to be opened in
such good company; for being before such witnesses, she rightly judged it
was impossible to stifle this adventure; and, at the same time, there
being no possibility of retaining any longer such a maid of honour, Miss
Price had her valuables restored to her, with orders to go and finish her
lamentations, or to console herself for the loss of her lover, in some
other place.

Miss Hobart's character was at that time as uncommon in England, as her
person was singular, in a country where, to be young, and not to be in
some degree handsome, is a reproach; she had a good shape, rather a bold
air, and a great deal of wit, which was well cultivated, without having
much discretion. She was likewise possessed of a great deal of vivacity,
with an irregular fancy: there was a great deal of fire in her eyes,
which, however, produced no effect upon the beholders and she had a
tender heart, whose sensibility some pretended was alone in favour
of the fair sex.

Miss Bagot was the first that gained her tenderness and affection, which
she returned at first with equal warmth and sincerity; but perceiving
that all her friendship was insufficient to repay that of Miss Hobart,
she yielded the conquest to the governess's niece, who thought herself as
much honoured by it as her aunt thought herself obliged by the care she
took of the young girl.

It was not long before the report, whether true or false, of this
singularity, spread through the whole court, where people, being yet so
uncivilized as never to have heard of that kind of refinement in love
of ancient Greece, imagined that the illustrious Hobart, who seemed so
particularly attached to the fair sex, was in reality something more
than she appeared to be.

Satirical ballads soon began to compliment her upon these new attributes;
and upon the insinuations that were therein made, her companions began to
fear her. The governess, alarmed at these reports, consulted Lord
Rochester upon the danger to which her niece was exposed. She could not
have applied to a fitter person: he immediately advised her to take her
niece out of the hands of Miss Hobart; and contrived matters so well that
she fell into his own. The duchess, who had too much generosity not to
treat as visionary what was imputed to Miss Hobart, and too much justice
to condemn her upon the faith of lampoons, removed her from the society
of the maids of honour, to be an attendant upon her own person.

Miss Bagot was the only one who was really possessed of virtue and beauty
among these maids of honour: she had beautiful and regular features, and
that sort of brown complexion, which, when in perfection, is so
particularly fascinating, and more especially in England, where it is
uncommon. There was an involuntary blush almost continually upon her
cheek, without having anything to blush for. Lord Falmouth cast his eyes
upon her: his addresses were better received than those of Miss Hobart,
and some time after Cupid raised her from the post of maid of honour to
the duchess to a rank which might have been envied by all the young
ladies in England.

The Duchess of York, in order to form her new court, resolved to see all
the young persons that offered themselves, and, without any regard to
recommendations, to choose none but the handsomest.

At the head of this new assembly appeared Miss Jennings and Miss Temple;
and indeed they so entirely eclipsed the other two, that we shall speak
of them only.

Miss Jennings, adorned with all the blooming treasures of youth, had the
fairest and brightest complexion that ever was seen: her hair was of a
most beauteous flaxen: there was something particularly lively and
animated in her countenance, which preserved her from that insipidity
which is frequently an attendant on a complexion so extremely fair. Her
mouth was not the smallest, but it was the handsomest mouth in the world.
Nature had endowed her with all those charms which cannot be expressed,
and the graces had given the finishing stroke to them. The turn of her
face was exquisitely fine, and her swelling neck was as fair and as
bright as her face. In a word, her person gave the idea of Aurora, or
the goddess of the spring, "such as youthful poets fancy when they love."
But as it would have been unjust that a single person should have
engrossed all the treasures of beauty without any defect, there was
something wanting in her hands and arms to render them worthy of the
rest: her nose was not the most elegant, and her eyes gave some relief,
whilst her mouth and her other charms pierced the heart with a thousand
darts.

With this amiable person she was full of wit and sprightliness, and all
her actions and motions were unaffected and easy: her conversation was
bewitching, when she had a mind to please; piercing and delicate when
disposed to raillery; but as her imagination was subject to flights,
and as she began to speak frequently before she had done thinking, her
expressions did not always convey what she wished; sometimes exceeding,
and at others falling short of her ideas.

Miss Temple, nearly of the same age, was brown compared with the other:
she had a good shape, fine teeth, languishing, eyes, a fresh complexion,
an agreeable smile, and a lively air. Such was the outward form; but it
would be difficult to describe the rest; for she was simple and vain,
credulous and suspicious, coquettish and prudent, very self-sufficient
and very silly.

As soon as these new stars appeared at the duchess's court, all eyes were
fixed upon them, and every one formed some design upon one or other of
them, some with honourable, and others with dishonest intentions. Miss
Jennings soon distinguished herself, and left her companions no other
admirers but such as remained constant from hopes of success: her
brilliant charms attracted at first sight, and the charms of her wit
secured her conquests.

The Duke of York having persuaded himself that she was part of his
property, resolved to pursue his claim by the same title whereby his
brother had appropriated to himself the favours of Miss Wells; but he did
not find her inclined to enter into his service, though she had engaged
in that of the duchess. She would not pay any attention to the perpetual
ogling with which he at first attacked her. Her eyes were always
wandering on other objects, when those of his royal highness were looking
for them; and if by chance he caught any casual glance, she did not even
blush. This made him resolve to change his manner of attack: ogling
having proved ineffectual, he took an opportunity to speak to her; and
this was still worse. I know not in what strain he told his case; but it
is certain the oratory of the tongue was not more prevailing than the
eloquence of his eyes.

Miss Jennings had both virtue and pride, and the proposals of the duke
were consistent with neither the one nor the other. Although from her
great vivacity one might suppose that she was not capable of much
reflection, yet she had furnished herself with some very salutary maxims
for the conduct of a young person of her age. The first was, that a lady
ought to be young to enter the court with advantage, and not old to leave
it with a good grace: that she could not maintain herself there but by a
glorious resistance, or by illustrious foibles and that, in so dangerous
a situation, she ought to use her utmost endeavours not to dispose of her
heart until she gave her hand.

Entertaining such sentiments, she had far less trouble to resist the
duke's temptations, than to disengage herself from his perseverance: she
was deaf to all treaties for a settlement, with which her ambition was
sounded: and all offers of presents succeeded still worse. What was then
to be done to conquer an extravagant virtue that would not hearken to
reason? He was ashamed to suffer a giddy young girl to escape, whose
inclinations ought in some manner to correspond with the vivacity that
shone forth in all her actions, and who nevertheless thought proper to be
serious when no such thing as seriousness was required of her.

After he had attentively considered her obstinate behaviour, he thought
that writing might perhaps succeed, though ogling, speeches, and
embassies had failed. Paper receives everything, but it unfortunately
happened that she would not receive the paper. Every day billets,
containing the tenderest expressions, and most magnificent promises, were
slipped into her pockets, or into her muff: this, however, could not be
done unperceived; and the malicious little gipsy took care that those who
saw them slip in, should likewise see them fall out, unperused and
unopened; she only shook her muff, or pulled out her handkerchief; as
soon as ever his back was turned, his billets fell about her like
hail-stones, and whoever pleased might take them up. The duchess was
frequently a witness of this conduct, but could not find in her heart to
chide her for her want of respect to the duke. After this, the charms
and prudence of Miss Jennings were the only subjects of conversation in
the two courts: the courtiers could not comprehend how a young creature,
brought directly from the country to court, should so soon become its
ornament by her attractions, and its example by her conduct.

The king was of opinion that those who had attacked her had ill-concerted
their measures; for he thought it unnatural that she should neither be
tempted by promises, nor gained by importunity: she, especially, who in
all probability had not imbibed such severe precepts from the prudence of
her mother, who had never tasted any thing more delicious than the plums
and apricots of Saint Albans. Being resolved to try her himself, he was
particularly pleased with the great novelty that appeared in the turn of
her wit, and in the charms of her person; and curiosity, which at first
induced him to make the trial, was soon changed into a desire of
succeeding in the experiment. God knows what might have been the
consequence, for he greatly excelled in wit, and besides he was king:
two qualities of no small consideration. The resolutions of the fair
Jennings were commendable, and very judicious; but yet she was
wonderfully pleased with wit; and royal majesty prostrate at the feet
of a young person, is very persuasive. Miss Stewart, however, would
not consent to the king's project.

She immediately took the alarm, and desired his majesty to leave to the
duke, his brother, the care of tutoring the duchess's maids of honour,
and only to attend to the management of his own flock, unless his majesty
would in return allow her to listen to certain proposals of a settlement
which she did not think disadvantageous. This menace being of a serious
nature, the king obeyed; and Miss Jennings had all the additional honour
which arose from this adventure: it both added to her reputation, and
increased the number of her admirers. Thus she continued to triumph over
the liberties of others without ever losing her own: her hour was not yet
come, but it was not far distant; the particulars of which we shall
relate as soon as we have given some account of the conduct of her
companion.

Though Miss Temple's person was particularly engaging, it was
nevertheless eclipsed by that of Miss Jennings; but she was still more
excelled by the other's superior mental accomplishments. Two persons,
very capable to impart understanding, had the gift been communicable,
undertook at the same time to rob her of the little she really possessed:
these were Lord Rochester and Miss Hobart: the first began to mislead her
by reading to her all his compositions, as if she alone had been a proper
judge of them. He never thought proper to flatter her upon her personal
accomplishments; but told her that if heaven had made him susceptible of
the impressions of beauty, it would not have been possible for him to
have escaped her chains; but not being, thank God, affected with anything
but wit, he had the happiness of enjoying the most agreeable conversation
in the world without running any risk. After so sincere a confession he
either presented to her a copy of verses, or a new song, in which whoever
dared to come in competition in any respect with Miss Temple was laid
prostrate before her charms, most humbly to solicit pardon: such
flattering insinuations so completely turned her head that it was
a pity to see her.

The duchess took notice of it, and well knowing the extent of both their
geniuses, she saw the precipice into which the poor girl was running
headlong without perceiving it; but as it is no less dangerous to forbid
a connection that is not yet thought of, than it is difficult to put an
end to one that is already well established, Miss Hobart was charged to
take care, with all possible discretion, that these frequent and long
conversations might not be attended with any dangerous consequences: with
pleasure she accepted the commission, and greatly flattered herself with
success.

She had already made all necessary advances to gain possession of her
confidence and friendship; and Miss Temple, less suspicious of her than
of Lord Rochester, made all imaginable returns. She was greedy of
praise, and loved all manner of sweetmeats, as much as a child of nine or
ten years old: her taste was gratified in both these respects. Miss
Hobart having the superintendence of the duchess's baths, her apartment
joined them, in which there was a closet stored with all sorts of
sweetmeats and liqueurs: the closet suited Miss Temple's taste, as
exactly as it gratified Miss Hobart's inclination, to have something that
could allure her.

Summer, being now returned, brought back with it the pleasures and
diversions that are its inseparable attendants. One day, when the ladies
had been taking the air on horseback, Miss Temple, on her return from
riding, alighted at Miss Hobart's, in order to recover her fatigue at the
expense of the sweetmeats, which she knew were there at her service; but
before she began she desired Miss Hobart's permission to undress herself,
and change her linen in her apartment; which request was immediately
complied with: "I was just going to propose it to you," said Miss Hobart,
"not but that you are as charming as an angel in your riding habit; but
there is nothing so comfortable as a loose dress, and being at one's
ease: you cannot imagine, my dear Temple," continued she, embracing her,
"how much you oblige me by thus free unceremonious conduct; but, above
all, I am enchanted with your particular attention to cleanliness: how
greatly you differ in this, as in many other things, from that silly
creature Jennings! Have you remarked how all our court fops admire her
for her brilliant complexion, which perhaps, after all, is not wholly her
own; and for blunders, which are truly original, and which they are such
fools as to mistake for wit: I have not conversed with her long enough to
perceive in what her wit consists; but of this I am certain, that if it
is not better than her feet, it is no great matter. What stories have I
heard of her sluttishness! No cat ever dreaded water so much as she
does: fie upon her! Never to wash for her own comfort, and only to
attend to those parts which must necessarily be seen, such as the neck
and hands."

Miss Temple swallowed all this with even greater pleasure than the
sweetmeats; and the officious Hobart, not to lose time, was helping her
off with her clothes, while the chambermaid was coming. She made some
objections to this at first, being unwilling to occasion that trouble to
a person, who, like Miss Hobart, had been advanced to a place of dignity;
but she was overruled by her, and assured that it was with the greatest
pleasure she showed her that small mark of civility. The collation being
finished, and Miss Temple undressed: "Let us retire," said Miss Hobart,
"to the bathing closet, where we may enjoy a little conversation secure
from any impertinent visit." Miss Temple consented, and both of them
sitting down on a couch: "You are too young, my dear Temple," said she,
"to know the baseness of men in general, and too short a time acquainted
with the court to know the character of its inhabitants. I will give you
a short sketch of the principal persons, to the best of my knowledge,
without injury to any one; for I abominate the trade of scandal.

"In the first place, then, you ought to set it down as an undoubted fact
that all courtiers are deficient either in honesty, good sense, judgment,
wit, or sincerity; that is to say, if any of them by chance possess some
one of these qualities, you may depend upon it he is defective in the
rest: sumptuous in their equipages, deep play, a great opinion of their
own merit, and contempt of that of others, are their chief
characteristics.

"Interest or pleasure are the motives of all their actions: those who are
led by the first would sell God Almighty, as Judas sold his Master, and
that for less money. I could relate you a thousand noble instances of
this, if I had time. As for the sectaries of pleasure, or those who
pretend to be such, for they are not all so bad as they endeavour to make
themselves appear, these gentlemen pay no manner of regard either to
promises, oaths, law, or religion; that is to say, they are literally no
respecters of persons; they care neither for God nor man, if they can but
gain their ends. They look upon maids of honour only as amusements,
placed expressly at court for their entertainment; and the more merit any
one has, the more she is exposed to their impertinence, if she gives any
ear to them; and to their malicious calumnies, when she ceases to attend
to them. As for husbands, this is not the place to find them; for unless
money or caprice make up the match, there is but little hopes of being
married: virtue and beauty in this respect here are equally useless.
Lady Falmouth is the only instance of a maid of honour well married
without a portion; and if you were to ask her poor weak husband for what
reason he married her, I am persuaded that he can assign none, unless it
be her great red ears and broad feet. As for the pale Lady Yarborough,
who appeared so proud of her match, she is wife, to be sure, of a great
country bumpkin, who, the very week after their marriage, bid her take
her farewell of the town for ever, in consequence of five or six thousand
pounds a year he enjoys on the borders of Cornwall. Alas! poor Miss
Blague! I saw her go away about this time twelvemonth, in a coach with
four such lean horses, that I cannot believe she is yet half way to her
miserable little castle. What can be the matter! all the girls seem
afflicted with the rage of wedlock, and however small their portion of
charms may be, they think it only necessary to show themselves at court
in order to pick and choose their men: but was this in reality the case,
the being a wife is the most wretched condition imaginable for a person
of nice sentiments. Believe me, my dear Temple, the pleasures of
matrimony are so inconsiderable in comparison with its inconveniences,
that I cannot imagine how any reasonable creature can resolve upon it:
rather fly, therefore, from this irksome engagement than court it.
Jealousy, formerly a stranger to these happy isles, is now coming into
fashion, with many recent examples of which you are acquainted. However
brilliant the phantom may appear, suffer not yourself to be caught by its
splendour, and never be so weak as to transform your slave into your
tyrant: as long as you preserve your own liberty, you will be mistress of
that of others. I will relate to you a very recent proof of the perfidy
of man to our sex, and of the impunity they experience in all attempts
upon our innocence. The Earl of Oxford fell in love with a handsome,
graceful actress belonging to the duke's theatre, who performed to
perfection, particularly the part of Roxana, in a very fashionable new
play, insomuch that she ever after retained that name: this creature
being both very virtuous and very modest, or, if you please, wonderfully
obstinate, proudly rejected the addresses and presents of the Earl of
Oxford. This resistance inflamed his passion: he had recourse to
invectives, and even to spells; but all in vain. This disappointment had
such effect upon him that he could neither eat nor drink; this did not
signify to him; but his passion at length became so violent, that he
could neither play nor smoke. In this extremity love had recourse to
Hymen; the Earl of Oxford, one of the first peers of the realm, is, you
know, a very handsome man: he is of the order of the garter, which
greatly adds to an air naturally noble. In short, from his outward
appearance, you would suppose he was really possessed of some sense;
but as soon as ever you hear him speak, you are perfectly convinced of
the contrary. This passionate lover presented her with a promise of
marriage, in due form, signed with his own hand: she would not, however,
rely upon this, but the next day she thought there could be no danger,
when the earl himself came to her lodgings attended by a clergyman, and
another man for a witness: the marriage was accordingly solemnized with
all due ceremonies, in the presence of one of her fellow players, who
attended as a witness on her part. You will suppose, perhaps, that the
new countess had nothing to do but to appear at court according to her
rank, and to display the earl's arms upon her carriage. This was far
from being the case. When examination was made concerning the marriage,
it was found to be a mere deception: it appeared that the pretended
priest was one of my lord's trumpeters, and the witness his kettle
drummer. The parson and his companion never appeared after the ceremony
was over; and as for the other witness, they endeavoured to persuade her
that the Sultana Roxana might have supposed, in some part or other of a
play, that she was really married. It was all to no purpose, that the
poor creature claimed the protection of the laws of God and man, both
which were violated and abused, as well as herself, by this infamous
imposition: in vain did she throw herself at the King's feet to demand
justice: she had only to rise up again without redress; and happy might
she think herself to receive an annuity of one thousand crowns, and to
resume the name of Roxana, instead of Countess of Oxford. You will say,
perhaps, that she was only a player; that all men have not the same
sentiments as the earl; and, that one may at least believe them, when
they do but render justice to such merit as yours. But still do not
believe them, though I know you are liable to it, as you have admirers;
for all are not infatuated with Miss Jennings: the handsome Sydney ogles
you; Lord Rochester is delighted with your conversation; and the most
serious Sir Lyttleton forsakes his natural gravity in favour of your
charms. As for the first, I confess his figure is very likely to engage
the inclinations of a young person like yourself; but were his outward
form attended with other accomplishments, which I know it is not, and
that his sentiments in your favour were as real as he endeavours to
persuade you they are, and as you deserve, yet I would not advise you
to form any connections with him, for reasons which I cannot tell you
at present.

"Sir Lyttleton is undoubtedly in earnest, since he appears ashamed of the
condition to which you have reduced him; and I really believe if he could
get the better of those vulgar chimerical apprehensions, of being what is
vulgarly called a cuckold, the good man would marry you, and you would be
his representative in his little government, where you might merrily pass
your days in casting up the weekly bills of housekeeping, and in darning
old napkins. What a glory would it be to have a Cato for a husband,
whose speeches are as many lectures, and whose lectures are composed of
nothing but ill-nature and censure!

"Lord Rochester is, without contradiction, the most witty man in all
England; but then he is likewise the most unprincipled, and devoid even
of the least tincture of honour; he is dangerous to our sex alone; and
that to such a degree that there is not a woman who gives ear to him
three times, but she irretrievably loses her reputation. No woman can
escape him, for he has her in his writings, though his other attacks be
ineffectual; and in the age we live in, the one is as bad as the other in
the eye of the public. In the mean time nothing is more dangerous than
the artful insinuating manner with which he gains possession of the mind:
he applauds your taste, submits to your sentiments, and at the very
instant that he himself does not believe a single word of what he is
saying, he makes you believe it all. I dare lay a wager, that from the
conversation you have had with him, you thought him one of the most
honourable and sincerest men living; for my part I cannot imagine what he
means by the assiduity he pays you not but your accomplishments are
sufficient to excite the adoration and praise of the whole world; but had
he even been so fortunate as to have gained your affections, he would not
know what to do with the loveliest creature at court: for it is a long
time since his debauches have brought him to order, with the assistance
of the favours of all the common street-walkers. See then, my dear
Temple, what horrid malice possesses him, to the ruin and confusion of
innocence! A wretch! to have no other design in his addresses and
assiduities to Miss Temple, but to give a greater air of probability to
the calumnies with which he has loaded her. You look upon me with
astonishment, and seem to doubt the truth of what I advance; but I do not
desire you to believe me without evidence: 'Here,' said she, drawing a
paper out of her pocket, 'see what a copy of verses he has made in your
praise, while he lulls your credulity to rest, by flattering speeches and
feigned respect.'"

After saying this, the perfidious Hobart showed her half-a-dozen couplets
full of strained invective and scandal, which Rochester had made against
the former maids of honour. This severe and cutting lampoon was
principally levelled against Miss Price, whose person he took to pieces
in the most frightful and hideous manner imaginable. Miss Hobart had
substituted the name of Temple instead of Price, which she made to agree
both with the measure and tune of the song. This effectually answered
Hobart's intentions: the credulous Temple no sooner heard her sing the
lampoon, but she firmly believed it to be made upon herself; and in the
first transports of her rage, having nothing so much at heart as to give
the lie to the fictions of the poet: "Ah! as for this, my dear Hobart,"
said she, "I can bear it no longer: I do not pretend to be so handsome as
some others; but as for the defects that villain charges me with, I dare
say, my dear Hobart, there is no woman more free from them: we are alone,
and I am almost inclined to convince you by ocular demonstration." Miss
Hobart was too complaisant to oppose this motion; but, although she
soothed her mind by extolling all her beauties, in opposition to Lord
Rochester's song, Miss Temple was almost driven to distraction by rage
and astonishment, that the first man she ever attended to should, in his
conversation with her, not even make use of a single word of truth, but
that he should likewise have the unparalleled cruelty falsely to accuse
her of defects; and not being able to find words capable of expressing
her anger and resentment, she began to weep like a child.

Miss Hobart used all her endeavours to comfort her, and chid her for
being so much hurt with the invectives of a person whose scandalous
impostures were too well known to make any impression: she however
advised her never to speak to him any more, for that was the only method
to disappoint his designs; that contempt and silence were, on such
occasions, much preferable to any explanation, and that if he could
once obtain a hearing, he would be justified, but she would be ruined.

Miss Hobart was not wrong in giving her this counsel: she knew that an
explanation would betray her, and that there would be no quarter for her
if Lord Rochester had so fair an opportunity of renewing his former
panegyrics upon her; but her precaution was in vain: this conversation
had been heard from one end to the other, by the governess's niece, who
was blessed with a most faithful memory; and having that very day an
appointment with Lord Rochester, she conned it over three or four times,
that she might not forget one single word, when she should have the
honour of relating it to her lover. We shall show in the next chapter,
what were the consequences resulting from it.




ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS:

Better to partake with another than to have nothing at all
How I must hate you, if I did not love you to distraction
So weak as to transform your slave into your tyrant
Terrible piece of furniture for the country (educated girl)
What a glory would it be to have a Cato for a husband





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