NEW YORK : : : MCMXV
GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY
| Page | |
| The Days Preceding the War | 7 |
| The Struggle | 39 |
| Uncle Sam | 93 |
| The Comedies of the Great Tragedy | 105 |
| Women and Children First | 135 |
| The New Rake's Progress—Unser Kaiser | 151 |
| The Raider | 173 |
| The Unspeakable Turk | 181 |
| Italia! | 207 |
A WISE WARNING
Dædalus Bismarck (Political Parent of Wilhelm Icarus).
Ovid, "Metamorphoses," Book VIII., Fable III.
October 6, 1888.
THE HAUNTED SHIP
(Twenty-five years after "Dropping the Pilot.")
Ghost of the Old Pilot. "I Wonder if He Would Drop Me NOW!"
(April 1st is the hundredth anniversary of Bismarck's birth.)
March 31, 1915.
L'ENFANT TERRIBLE
Chorus in the Stern. "Don't Go On Like That—or You'll Upset Us All!!"
May 10, 1890.
THE IMPERIAL JACK-IN-THE-BOX
Chorus (Everybody). " Everything in Order Everywhere! O! What a Surprise! Sold Again!"
January 20, 1893.
THE MODERN ALEXANDER'S FEAST; OR, THE POWER OF SOUND
March 5, 1892.
THE STORY OF FIDGETY WILHELM
(Up-to-date version of "Struwwelpeter.")
February 1, 1896.
A NEW RÔLE
Imperial "Manager-Actor" (who has cast himself for a leading part in "Un Voyage en Chine," sotto voce).
"Um—Ha! With just a few additional touches here and there, I shall make a first-rate Emperor of China!"
January 15, 1898.
ON TOUR
(Tangier, March 31.)
Kaiser Wilhelm (as the Moor of Potsdam) sings:—
April 5, 1905.
COOK'S CRUSADER
Imperial Knight Templar (the German Emperor—to Saladin). "What!! The Christian Powers putting pressure upon You, my dear Friend!! Horrible! I can't think how People can do such things!"
October 15, 1898.
NOT IN THE PICTURE
Scene—On shore, during the visit of the British Fleet to Brest.
Mr. Punch (Photographer, suavely, to the Kaiser). " Just a leetle further back, please, Sir. Your shadow still rather interferes with the group."
July 12, 1905.
"ISOLATION"
Peace (attending the Inter-Parliamentary Congress at Berlin). "Everybody else seems to be my friend; why do you stand aloof?"
German Kaiser."But haven't I always said that I was your friend?"
Peace."Yes; but can't you do something to prove it?"
September 23, 1908.
HARMONY
[The German Emperor has been patronising the Centenary of Krupp's Gun Factory]
August 14, 1912.
THE BLIND SIDE
German Officer: "Glad to hear you're going to fortify your sea-front. Very dangerous people, these English."
Dutchman: "But it will cost much."
German Officer: "Ah, but see what you save on the Eastern Frontier, where there's nobody but us."
January 11, 1911.
AT THE POST OF HONOUR
Liberty (to Belgium). "TAKE COMFORT. YOUR COURAGE IS VINDICATED; YOUR WRONGS SHALL BE AVENGED."
September 2, 1914.
BOER AND BRITON TOO
General Botha (composing telegram to the Kaiser). "Just off to repel another raid. Your customary wire of congratulation should be addressed: 'British Headquarters—German South-west Africa.'"
September 30, 1914.
A NORTH SEA CHANTEY
(To the tune of "Tipperary.")
Jack. "IT'S A LONG, LONG WAIT FOR WILLIAM'S NAVY,
BUT MY HEART'S RIGHT HERE"
October 14, 1914.
UNCONQUERABLE
The Kaiser. "SO, YOU SEE—YOU'VE LOST EVERYTHING."
The King of the Belgians. "NOT MY SOUL."
October 21, 1914.
A PLAIN DUTY
Britannia (to Holland). "MY RESOURCES AND MY OBLIGATIONS ARE GREATER THAN YOURS; LET THIS SERVICE FALL UPON ME."
[The number of Belgian refugees in Holland is probably ten times as great as the number in England.]
October 28, 1914.
FOREWARNED
Zeppelin (as "The Fat Boy"). "'I WANTS TO MAKE YOUR FLESH CREEP.'"
John Bull. "RIGHT-O!"
November 4, 1914.
THE EXCURSIONIST
Scene: Ticket Office at —— (censored).
Tripper Wilhelm.
"FIRST CLASS TO PARIS."
Clerk. "LINE BLOCKED."
Wilhelm. "THEN MAKE IT WARSAW."
Clerk. "LINE BLOCKED."
Wilhelm. "WELL, WHAT ABOUT CALAIS?"
Clerk. "LINE BLOCKED."
Wilhelm. "HANG IT! I MUST GO SOMEWHERE! I PROMISED MY PEOPLE I WOULD."
November 4, 1914.
THE EAGLE COMIQUE
Kaiser (reviving old Music-hall refrain). "HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN CALAIS?"
November 18, 1914.
MEN OF FEW WORDS
Grand Duke Nicholas. "ÇA MARCHE?"
General Joffre. "ASSEZ BIEN. ET CHEZ VOUS?"
Grand Duke. "PAS MAL."
December 2, 1914.
THE INNOCENT
Crown Prince. "THIS OUGHT TO MAKE FATHER LAUGH!"
[In an alleged interview the Crown Prince is reported to have said, "As to being a war agitator, I am truly sorry that people don't know me better. There is no 'War Party' in Germany now—nor has there ever been."]
December 9, 1914.
FULFILMENT
Austria. "I SAID ALL ALONG THIS WAS GOING TO BE A PUNITIVE EXPEDITION"
December 23, 1914.
AN AWFUL WARNING
Austria (to Rumania). "NOW, BE CAREFUL! REMEMBER WHAT I DID TO SERBIA!"
January 20, 1915.
A PAINFUL REFLECTION
Austria. "HEAVENS! AM I REALLY AS BAD AS THAT? TAKE IT AWAY."
[It seems to be dawning upon Vienna that the armies of Austria have not been consistently victorious.]
April 14, 1915.
NOTHING DOING
Imperial Dachshund. "Here I've been sitting up and doing tricks for the best part of seven weeks, and you take no more notice of me than if——"
Uncle Sam. "Cut it out!"
September 23, 1914.
AS BETWEEN FRIENDS
British Lion. "Please don't look at me like that, Sam. YOU'RE not the eagle I'm up against."
January 6, 1915.
A BRAZEN BAND
Imperial Conductor. "Stick to it, Tirpitz; keep on melting their hearts!"
March 31, 1915.
REJECTED ADDRESSES
Kaiser (to America). "Perhaps it was right to dissemble your love; But why did you kick me downstairs?"
April 21, 1915.
THE RESOURCEFUL LOVER
Teuton Troubadour (serenading the fair Columbia). "If she won't listen to my love-songs, I'll try her with a brick!"
February 17, 1915.
The Hohenzollern (megaphonically). "Take courage, my brave Germans. Your Kaiser is prepared to sacrifice a million of you."
August 26, 1914.
Admiral of the Atlantic (to himself). "It is My Imperial pleasure to present You with the Order of the Masthead Broom (First Class) in recognition of Your conspicuous success in sweeping the seas."
September 23, 1914.
The Wolff. "Good morning, my dear Little Red Riding Hood. Wouldn't you like me to tell you one of my pretty tales?"
Little Miss Holland. "Thanks; but I'm NOT Little Red Riding Hood, and I don't want any of your fairy stories."
September 23, 1914.
A GARGOYLE OF NOTRE DAME DE PARIS
(With acknowledgements to the etching by M. Méryon.)
October 28, 1914.
LATEST DEVICE OF THE ENEMY
Learning to sing "It's a long, long way to Tipperary" for the purpose of deceiving the Allies.
November 4, 1914.
A Prussian Court-painter earning an Iron Cross by painting pictures in praise of the Fatherland for neutral consumption
November 11, 1914.
UNRECORDED EVENTS IN THE HISTORY OF THE WAR
German soldiers being roused to enthusiasm by the "Hymn of Hate"
December 16, 1914.
THE IRON CROSS EPIDEMIC
Captain of a German cruiser, hurrying home after shelling health-resort, gives orders to lighten the ship for the sake of speed.
December 23, 1914.
Turkey. "Looks very tempting and fruity; but what I want to know is, who's going to pay the doctor's bill if complications ensue?"
September 9, 1914.
Voice on telephone (from Berlin). "Well, have you dammed the Suez Canal yet?"
Turk. "Yes—often!"
February 10, 1915.
Turk. "I say, you fellows! Do you see the other Allies are pooling their Funds? Capital idea!"
February 17, 1915.
"IN THE SPRING A YOUNG MAN'S FANCY——"
The Crown Prince. "I DON'T BELIEVE I WAS MEANT TO WIN BATTLES; I BELIEVE I WAS MEANT TO BE LOVED."
April 28, 1915.
German Kaiser. "We are not satisfied with Our moustache; it seems to need support on the Eastern side."
September 2, 1914.
WILLIAM THE GALLANT
The Kaiser, by gifts of roses, has been trying to ingratiate himself with the Grand Duchess of Luxembourg, whose country he has invaded in defiance of treaty obligations.
January 20, 1915.
THE FLIGHT THAT FAILED
The Emperor. "WHAT! NO BABES, SIRRAH?"
The Murderer. "ALAS! SIRE, NONE."
The Emperor. "WELL, THEN, NO BABES, NO IRON CROSSES."
[Exit murderer, discouraged.]
January 27, 1915.
A GREAT NAVAL TRIUMPH
German Submarine Officer. "THIS OUGHT TO MAKE THEM JEALOUS IN THE SISTER SERVICE. BELGIUM SAW NOTHING BETTER THAN THIS."
April 7, 1915.
THE ELIXIR OF HATE
May 5, 1915.
THE COMING OF THE COSSACKS
Wilhelm II. "WHAT IS THIS DISTANT RUMBLING THAT I HEAR? DOUBTLESS THE PLAUDITS OF MY PEOPLE!"
August 26, 1914.
THE WORLD'S ENEMY
The Kaiser. "WHO GOES THERE?"
Spirit of Carnage. "A FRIEND—YOUR ONLY ONE."
August 19, 1914.
MADE IN GERMANY
Kaiser. "I'M NOT QUITE SATISFIED WITH THE SWORD. PERHAPS, AFTER ALL, THE PEN IS MIGHTIER!"
September 16, 1914.
THE GREAT ILLUSION
Kaiser. "MY POOR BIRD, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOUR TAIL-FEATHERS?"
German Eagle. "CAN YOU BEAR THE TRUTH, SIRE?"
Kaiser. "IF IT'S NOT FOR PUBLICATION."
German Eagle. "IT'S LIKE THIS, THEN. YOU TOLD ME THE BRITISH LION WAS CONTEMPTIBLE. WELL—HE WASN'T!"
September 23, 1914.
THE GREAT GOTH
DESIGN FOR A STAINED-GLASS WINDOW IN A NEO-GOTHIC CATHEDRAL AT POTSDAM
September 30, 1914.
GIVING THE SHOW AWAY
German Press Bureau Photographer. "Costume perfect, Sire—accessories admirable; but, in view of all these 'victories,' dare we suggest that the EXPRESSION might be just a touch more JUBILANT?"
October 14, 1914.
THE LIMIT
Scene: The Coast of Belgium
The Kaiser. "'WHAT ARE THE WILD WAVES SAYING?'"
Wild Waves. "WE WERE JUST SAYING, 'THUS FAR, AND NO FARTHER!'"
October 28, 1914.
A CHRONIC COMPLAINT
Aide-de-Camp. "'THE ENGLISH FORCE, SO PLEASE YOU.'"
Kaiser. "'TAKE THY FACE HENCE ... I AM SICK AT HEART.'"
Macbeth, Act V., Sc. 3.
December 2, 1914.
THE WHITEWASHERS
Kaiser. "Lay it on, my worthy professors—lay it on thick! I want every drop of it."
January 20, 1915.
SOUND AND FURY
Kaiser. "IS ALL MY HIGH SEAS FLEET SAFELY LOCKED UP?"
Admiral von Tirpitz. "PRACTICALLY ALL, SIRE."
Kaiser. "THEN LET THE STARVATION OF ENGLAND BEGIN!"
February 17, 1915.
RUNNING AMOK
German Bull. "I KNOW I'M MAKING A ROTTEN EXHIBITION OF MYSELF; BUT I SHALL TELL EVERYBODY I WAS GOADED INTO IT."
February 24, 1915.
ARMAGEDDON: A DIVERSION
Turkey. "Good! if only all those other Christian nations get at one another's throats, I may have a dog's chance yet."
December 4, 1912.
SETTLED
Dame Europa. "You've always been the most troublesome boy in the school. Now go and consolidate yourself."
Turkey. "Please, ma'am, what does that mean?"
Dame Europa. "It means going into that corner—and stopping there!"
April 2, 1913.
HIS MASTER'S VOICE
The Kaiser (to Turkey, reassuringly). "Leave everything to me. All you've got to do is to explode."
Turkey. "Yes, I quite see that. But where shall I be when it's all over?"
November 11, 1914.
THE EUPHEMISTS
Kaiser. "I say, how are you going to explain away the surrender of your army corps in the Caucasus?"
Sultan of Turkey. "Nothing simpler. I shall say, 'Our gallant troops determined to embarrass the enemy's commissariat, and carried out their object with overwhelming success."
Kaiser. "Splendid! Couldn't have put it better myself."
Sultan. "My dear boy, we were in the business ages and ages before you were thought of."
January 13, 1915.
THE GOD IN THE CART
(An Unrehearsed Effect.)
Turkey. "I'm getting a bit fed up with this. I shall kick soon."
Austria. "Well, I was thinking of lying down."
January 6, 1915.
THE RIDDLE OF THE SANDS
Turkish Camel. "WHERE TO?"
German Officer. "EGYPT."
Camel. "GUESS AGAIN."
February 10, 1915.
THE DISSEMBLERS
[January 27th]
Emperor of Austria. "NOW WHAT DO WE REALLY WANT TO SAY?"
Sultan of Turkey. "WELL, OF COURSE, WE COULDN'T SAY THAT; NOT ON HIS BIRTHDAY."
January 27, 1915.
"'He's as willing as a Christian; strike me blind if he isn't,' said Sikes."
Oliver Twist, Chap. xvi.
(With apologies to the late Fred Barnard.)
November 4, 1914.
VICARIOUS GENEROSITY
Kaiser. "SHOULD YOU WANT SOME MORE FEATHERS, I KNOW A TWO-HEADED EAGLE"
March 24, 1915.
THE AWAKENING
Prince von Bülow (to Italy). "STOP, STOP, SIGNORA! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MESMERISED—NOT MOBILISED!"
April 28, 1915.
Obvious punctuation errors repaired.
The remaining corrections made are indicated by dotted lines under the corrections. Scroll the mouse over the word and the original text will appear.
