Oh! Susannah!, by Mark Ambient

Scene. The Doctor's consulting room. Ground floor, 13 Marmalade Street, Pimlico. (See Scene Plot.)

(Aurora. the slavey, discovered laying out Doctor's letters lovingly on his writing table; she kisses each one as she lays it down—all are in blue envelopes.)

Aurora. They're all for 'im—the dear doctor. Won't 'e be pleased when 'e comes back and finds all this little lot! 'E went off quite sudden two days ago. Gone to see a patient, I expect, none ever comes 'ere, so 'e must go to them, (crosses L., looks in mirror) Oh, why was I born so rudely 'ealthy? (on sofa) I would like to be 'is patient. I'd a-bear anythin' with the dear doctor to see to me, 'e's got sich a sorft 'and. (jumps off sofa and stands C. looking at aunt's picture, curtseys) I wonder if she's 'is fancy? 'Er with the diamond combs. You ain't the only one, my lady, with diamond combs! I'll struggle with yer. (produces combs from her pocket) Tenpence a pair—in the Strand, (going to put them on, stops) No, I'll wait till 'e comes 'ome. They're all for 'im, the dear doctor—all for 'im! (end of sofa)

Tupper. I say, Aurora. the missus is a'goin' to do the thing in style this afternoon, two fiddler blokes—an' a planner an' a programme o' the dances pinned up over the mantelpiece over 'ead. (picks up cigarette end off ash tray and smokes it)

Aurora (down C.) Lor, you don't say! An' printed invitations an' all. (takes card from mirror) 'Ark at this! "Mrs. O'Hara requests the honor of Doctor Sheppard'ss company—"

Tupper. (coming to her) Oh yes, you did—only larst Friday, an' it's Friday agin, an' what's more, it's Lady Day.

Aurora. (innocently) Is it, Tupper? Well, as it's Lady Day. (puts her cheek up, aside) It's all for 'im! (kiss Bus.) Now tell me.

Aurora. (with concern) No, Tupper, don't say that! (changes her tone) I mean, 'ow do you know?

Aurora. (impatiently) Oh, there, then! (kissed him—aside) They're all for 'im!

Tupper. Well, as you know, (gets on table) Aurora. the doctor's a wonderful gentle gentleman, as gentle as—well, there 'e is gentle!

Aurora. (more impatiently) I know that. I give you them kisses to tell me summat I don't know.

Tupper. Well, I'm goin' to. When 'e was packing to go away, 'e was that excited 'e couldn't 'ardly strap the bag.

Aurora. Well, what o' that? A gentleman can get excited without gettin' married, yer silly kid! (goes to steps)

Tupper. Ah, but 'e put on a new frock coat, an' a bran noo pair o' trarsers——

Tupper. I bet my buttons 'e's enj'ying 'is 'oneymoon in 'is noo clothes, an' forgotten all abart me an' mine. (up stage R.)

Tupper. Yes, I was loored into these under false pretences. When Mrs. O'Hara engaged me, she says she'd let orf 'er ground floor to a very risin' doctor.

Aurora. So 'e is! The day will come, 'e'll be the most risin'—(gesticulates with feather-duster, on steps, nearly falls)

Tupper. Do you want to 'ear abart my trarsers, or do you not? (sits on couch)

Tupper. Well, Mrs. O'Hara, she sez, 'e'll find yer in clothes, she sez, an' think of all the gratooities——

Tupper. Gratooities from grateful patients—shillins an' 'arf-crowns, she sez. Well, we been at it three months to-day—

Tupper. No, but the tailor's called, lots o' times, an' larst time 'e was very cross—said 'e'd 'ave these clothes orf me if they wasn't paid for Lady Day. (crosses to R. of table)

Aurora. Well, never mind, look at all these—all from lady patients, (sits in Doctor's chair, puts on his eye-glasses)

Tupper. (laughing) Lady patients! Why, they're bills. That's the butcher, (puts it down) An' that's the chemist.

Tupper. (puts it down) I know 'em all! (reads) "Cummerbund and Co., Tailors." Oh lor! That's me! (drops the pack suddenly) I call it downright selfish of the doctor to go away and never think of me. (produces crumpled telegram from pocket) Oh, I forgot, this is for you! (hands it to her)

Tupper. Who's it from? Your young man? (reads wire over Aurora's shoulder)

Aurora. (opening it) 'Arf a mo'! It's from the dear Doctor. (aside) I'd know 'is 'and writing anywheres, it's sich a sorft 'and. (reads word for word) "Expect — me — back — at — half — past — four — and —: please — have — my — tea — ready."

Tupper. (counts words on his fingers—sadly) There's extravagance. Blues a tenpence on a telegram, an' my clothes owin' for.

Aurora (aside) 'Ave 'is tea ready! That I will! As if I wouldn't 'ave it ready whenever 'e comes, bless 'im! (stuffs telegram in bosom, then fusses about room, putting things straight, starts scouring bureau)

Tupper. (watching her) I believe you're in love with the "Dear Doctor." (picks another fag end off ash-tray and lies on couch smoking it)

Tupper. Well, any'ow yer always tidyin' up 'is things an' neglectin' the missus, an' yer only 'arf 'is, yer know.

Aurora. (snatches ladder quickly and goes to the door, saying to herself) 'Arf 'is, indeed! No! It's all for 'im—all for 'im!

Tupper. (laughs) That's sure to be for the missus. She 'as lots o' callers. She's a widder. If I was a woman, I'd be a widder. (jumps off couch) Oh lor, if it's the tailor, (crosses to fire, stands back to it, legs apart) I wouldn't mind so much, only I sold my old clothes to 'ave a bit on a dead cert, wot didn't come orf—dead certs never do—I wish my clothes was a dead cert.

(Enter Aurora. followed by Pearl. then Ruby. then Plant. in single file. Tupper works behind arm-chair and gets up stage and puts out cigarette)

Aurora. (aside) Our fust! (fussily shaking sofa cushions, standing behind sofa) Take your seats, please! (motions girls to sit)

'E'll treat yer kindly—'e's got sich a sorft 'and! (soothingly to Ruby) Would yer like a cup o' tea, miss, to buck yer up? Ruby. No, thank you.

(Tupper, sitting on couch, bursts out laughing and shoves his handkerchief in his mouth.)

Plant. (coughs.) Ahem! That will do. (aside) Fancy setting up for a ladies' doctor in Pimlico! How can he earn bread and butter in Marmalade Street. No. 13, too!

Aurora. (to Tupper) 'Old yer row! They're lady patients. 'Appy girls! I wonder what they've got?

Plant. (aside) What has he done to deserve a rich aunt who has instructed me to draw up a deed settling a thousand a year on him? It's disgusting! (sits, head on hand)

Tupper. (sees Plant. head on hand—aside to Aurora) Oh, p'raps it's 'im! (comes to him) Anythin' wrong with yer 'ead? (touches his hair)

Aurora. (cheerily) Oh yes, sir, 'e's allus practisin'—'e practised all larst week on the milkman's baby. It 'ad the direfearier, sir, in its throat, and the doctor was afraid the cows'd catch it and spile the milk. 'E stopped up all night for a week nussin' that baby. (goes on scouring bureau)

Plant. (aside) A "Gentle Sheppard?" Just what his rich aunt hopes to find him. I must get a word with Ruby.

Ruby. (to Tupper) Ah, you hear what his grateful patients think of him.

Tupper. (comes down) Grateful patients? (shakes head sadly) No, miss, not yet.

Tupper. No, miss, not yet—only 'arf of me, the other 'arf belongs upstairs. You see, the doctor ends orf where the stair-carpets begin; 'e shares me with the missus—an' 'e shares the gal too.

Plant. (rises, coughs) Ahem! That will do! Is the room always so full of smoke?

Aurora. (coming to him quickly) Oh yes, sir, wuss generally, (flaps wet flannel in his face) The doctor's a wonderful gentleman for smoke, 'e lies on that couch smokin' all day long, an' read in' this 'ere book, (fetches it) You look at it. (comes down C.)

You can't make 'ead nor tail of it, 'cep' the pictures, an' they is—well, there!

Plant. Ahem! That will do! (takes it from her before his daughters see it) What are the doctor's hours?

Aurora. I dunno, sir—all hours. Sometimes out all day. Sometimes don't come home all night——

Ruby. Two days ago? That lady's case must be serious! (comes to back of sofa and sits L. end)

Aurora. It is serious, miss, I tell yer. (confidentially) It's a case of——

(Tupper looks admiringly at Ruby. and goes to fire, stands back to it, legs apart.)

Plant., (aside) "Poor fellow!" He'll be rich enough before the day's out. It's hard not to tell one's own daughter—but I mustn't betray a professional confidence.

Tupper. (aside) Fine gels! (to Ruby) 'E'll be wonderful glad to see you, Miss.

Tupper. 'Cos 'e's settin' up as a ladies' Doctor. miss, an' you're the fust callers we've ever 'ad. (aside) Bar the tailor.

Aurora. Oh, 'e'll cure yer, whatever yer got. (crosses to Plant) He's wonderful clever. 'E'd see through you, sir, weskit an' all. 'E don't hax no hex rays to tell 'im. (to Ruby) 'E knows all what's goin' on in yer innards——

Tupper. No bloomin' doubt, sir. (going to him) But I do 'ope you'll pay afore leavin'—'cos it's Lady Day, an these 'ere clothes ain't paid for yet—an' if they ain't—they're a-comin' orf.

Tupper. (sadly) There ain't no tails about these 'ere. (looking at his jacket) It's a norrible fac'!

Aurora. (having fetched pail—to Tupper) Come aw'y, you talk too much. I'm the doctor's local demon when 'e's aw'y.

Plant. (aside) A thousand a year for an unbusinesslike young fool, and here am I, her own cousin's husband, and she's never given me a penny, except what I've borrowed. (Bus. with pocket hairbrush, mirror at back) I did think my chance had come when she sent for me to Cumberland. I got the hair-dresser to touch out all the grey ones, thinking I might fetch the old girl, but as soon as she saw me she was very rude, called me a fright, and began asking some damned awkward questions about my late wife's trust money. Just my luck! (sits at writing table)

Pearl. (reading from letter which Ruby holds) "And, my darling Ruby—if your father dies"—there's not much "if" about it. He does. (taps her hair) I've seen the bottle.

Plant. (aside, looking in pocket mirror) So I took the next train back to Southsea, and romped my daughters up to town. If Ruby can only hook the doctor before the aunt arrives, I'm saved—if she can't—I'm—ahem!

Ruby. (aside to Pearl) And only think, Pearl. when he's an Admiral, I shall be Lady Merry—perhaps a Duchess!

Ruby. Oh, he'll be delighted. We're keeping it as a surprise for his birthday.

Plant. (to them) Stop that silly giggling! (crosses over to the two, sends Pearl across to table) Go and sit over there. Ruby. my precious jewel, I have something very solemn to say while we are waiting to see the doctor.

Ruby. (jumping up, excitedly) Pa, don't say you've brought us for the doctor to sound us.

Plant. On the contrary, I've brought you to sound the doctor, (pulls Ruby down again and sits r. of her on couch)

Plant. You are aware that although we are strangers to Doctor Sheppard, he is our cousin.

Plant. Well, well, let us hope he won't be so far removed in the future. I regret very deeply that we have never yet enjoyed the friendship of—er—dear cousin Jack.

Pearl. You have frequently remarked, it was not worth while to cultivate any of our poor relations.

Plant. (hotly) Do you want your pocket money stopped? The fact is. Pearl. you're bringing my grey hairs——(stroking his black locks)

Plant. (jumping up) I stop your pocket money for a month! Ooh! (puts his hand to his back) This lumbago is unbearable. When a man gets to my time of life——

Pearl. (rises) Really, father, a solicitor should be more cautious. I meant to say the time is getting on, (points to clock and crosses to couch—stands behind Ruby) and you have not yet informed us of the "very solemn" something you have to say.

Plant. I accept your explanation—without prejudice. (stands R. of couch) I say when a man gets to my time of life—the future happiness of his offspring becomes an all-engrossing theme. You are aware that when exalted personages contemplate a matrimonial alliance, they neyer look outside the family. Living as we do, in so fashionable a resort as Southsea, we cannot be too —er—"tony" in such important matters. Now you are both—as I know, being your father—heart-free.

Plant. I accept your explanation, without prejudice. You have heard from that stupid Buttons what a noble character the doctor bears, and no man is a hero to his—his Buttons. The one thing the doctor wants is a wife.

Plant. Silence, miss! And you, my dear Ruby, my favourite, I mean my first-born, have all the qualifications for a doctor's wife.

Plant. It has always been the dream of my life to see you united in matrimony to dear Jack.

Plant. Oh hasn't he?—er—(aside) Nearly let it out that time, (to her) I mean should he be clever enough to win my Ruby. my Ruby mine—er—this afternoon, he will be rich beyond the dreams of avarice. Alas, I have no dowry to give you, save the blessing of your dear old—your dear fond, fond father, (kisses her forehead) But only obey me in this, and Lady Fortune will smile on us all—smile—smile.

Pearl. (comes to meet her—aside to her) Of course you won't—I'll get you out of it.

Plant. (angrily) Stop that silly crying. He'll be in soon, and you look a perfect fright with your eyes all red. You've never obeyed me in your life—either of you—but I've made up my mind this time, and damme—I'll make you obey me. I swear that dear cousin Jack shall be my son-in-law. (crosses C.)

Pearl. (going quietly to him, standing between him and Ruby) If such is your determination, I will sacrifice myself.

Pearl. I will—what is it after all? Marriages aren't made in heaven now-a-days.

Plant. (shouts) Stop quarrelling! Such rivalry between sisters is most unseemly. What do I dress you alike for?

Plant. No, miss, to save jealousy, and I'll have no Jealousy about this. Settle it amicably between you, (aside, crosses to R.) Good idea! They'll go it faster without me. I'll leave 'em alone with him. (aloud) Dear, dear, I've forgotten something I particularly want to show Jack. I'll step over to our apartments——

Plant. Hang it, you're cousins, and you're two to one. Now, remember, one of you two must marry Jack—that's my last word, and you know my word, like my profession, is law!

Pearl. We've got a nice thing in fathers, (looking out of window) He's brought us up to London to put us on the market

Pearl. Now we know why we've come to encamp just across the street—it's to lay siege to a penniless cousin. (picks up "Quayle on Muscles" off couch, takes it to table)

Pearl. (looks up from book) You wouldn't do for a doctor's wife, whatever Pa says, (looks at picture) Besides, you're not free, but I am. (sadly)

Ruby. Pearl. there's Waverly! (coming to her, looking over her shoulder at picture)

Pearl. Yes, there's Waverly, but he's (turns to next picture) most disappointing. He's been staying at Southsea with Lieutenant Merry for a whole week, (turns page) and father's been away the whole time. (turns page) And I've given him every possible encouragement. (looks at picture) At least, of course I didn't go so far as you did with Lieutenant Merry. You were—simply—(turns page)

Ruby. (looking at picture) Shocking! (shuts book and puts it back on couch)

Ruby. How dare you! I never gave Andrew the slightest encouragement, (sits on sofa)

Pearl. My dear Ruby. I judge by results. He proposed to you the second day. (comes and sits by her on sofa)

Pearl. Only once—just there; (touches her cheek) and that was after a dance, which doesn't count. No, I've gone as far with Mr. Vane as any girl, who isn't a born flirt, (pointedly looking at Ruby) can go, and he's said nothing—yet So I'm going to get father to invite Doctor Sheppard down to Southsea, and I'll flirt desperately with him.

(Ruby crosses C.)You see, I shall be obeying father—I shall get you out of your difficulty, and it will force Waverly to say something—definite, (sits on the word)

Ruby. Oh, Pearl! What a clever idea! (thinks) Andrew hasn't been quite so attentive since I accepted him. And, as you say, dear papa must be obeyed, so I'll flirt with Doctor Sheppard too, before Andrew—it'll do him a world of good.

Ruby. No, Andrew, of course. Oh, Pearl. I wonder how they're getting on without us? Do they ever talk about us, do you think?

(Pearl tries to pull her away from it—Enter Andrew. followed by Waverly.)

Waverly. (looking at girls' backs and nudges Andrew) P'raps he's got two patients.

Andrew. Oh, Susannah! (takes double stethoscope off table, aside to Waverly) Let's have a lark. I'll pretend to be the doctor.

Waver. (aside) Pearl! Oh, lor! (goes down r.) Pearl. (coyly) Mr. Vane! What attraction has brought you all the way from Southsea? (follows him)

Andrew. (to Ruby) What's brought you? We called at Clarence Parade this morning and found that you'd flown up to London by the excurs—the early train, so we thought what a lark it'd be to run up on the chance of meeting you.

Ruby. (screams) Oh Andrew. then it's you!!! What's the matter with you?

Andrew. (laughs) I haven't—I've brought Vane to introduce him to my old school-fellow, dear old, serious, studious, short-sighted, absent-minded Jack Sheppard.

Andrew. No, you never told us you had any cousins. What a lark! Jack's my greatest friend—because we're such opposites, I suppose. I call him Dull Boy, because "all work and no play makes Jack———" see? Rather smart for me, and he calls me "Merry Andrew"—Andrew Merry—Merry Andrew—see? Oh, that was Jolly smart for Jack—only joke he ever made.

Pearl. We saw lots of him then, we were both of us awfully in love with him.

Andrew. (laughing) Oh, are you? Well, I shan't be jealous of serious old Jack.

Ruby. (quickly) He won't be back till half-past—(coyly) How shall we kill time?

Andrew. I know, come and shoot tin dickie-birds at the Aquarium—I must have exercise.

Waver. (breaking away—aside) I shall never have the pluck to break it to her that I've got engaged to another girl.

Waver. (stands facing audience, back to writing table—to her) Miss Plant. there's something I want to say to you—something—I—I—I don't know how to say it.

Pearl. (coquettishly) Then don't say it. Write me a little note, (taps his arm, goes to table, holds up note-paper and pen)

(Pauses, aside, alarmed) Does she mean business? She's not a lawyer's child for nothing. She might make a Breach of Promise out of this, (tears up letter and pockets the pieces) I'd better blurt it out. (goes to her) I say, it's not—er—it's not that.

Waver. I mean—er—(absently takes from his pocket a kodak made like a large turnip watch, and fumbling nervously with it) I mean I've been and got—er—I've been and got——

Pearl. (rises) Oh, what fun! (takes it from him) Let's go and take snap-shots at Andrew and Ruby when they're not looking, then they shall take us—when we're not looking, (takes his arm)

Tupper. (looking after them) I don't like the look of those two gents, (takes cigarette end off ash-tray, lights it) They've gorn and eloped with the fust two customers we've 'ad. (lies on operating couch) Oh, well, I don't interfere with other people's business. I got enough to do to look after my own.

(Enter Doctor in high hat, frock coat, overcoat, carrying a Gladstone bag, looks as if he had something on his mind.)

Doctor. Thank you, Tupper—a kind boy—unpack these, (hands him bag)

Tupper. (finds bag very heavy, drops it down by bureau, opens bottom drawer, looks in, aside) Empty—must 'ave pawned the lot to buy the noo ones, (takes out pile of books and papers and one collar) I wonder if 'e's spliced, 'e looks un'appy enough. I'll arsk 'im. (chucks books, MSS., collar, etc., into drawer, anyhow, crosses on tiptoe to Doctor) 'Ave yer brought 'er with yer, sir?

Doctor. (swinging round on revolving chair facing Tupper, who has backed to bureau alarmed) Don't talk, I'm busy! (opening his letters—aside) Can that boy have guessed? No, how could he? (picks up Cummerbund's letter)

Doctor. (throwing down letters savagely) Bills, bills, bills—nothing but bills! (walks up and down shying things about)

Tupper. (aside, stealing out on tiptoe) It's my last day out o' bed, I know it is.

Doctor. (takes card out of mirror) "Sir Peter and Lady Quayle request the pleasure——" That's what did it, that dinner of Quayle's. Sir Peter told me over dessert, that for the first six months after he started in practice, he was starving. Then he met a young governess who was starving too, and with what their friends called "sublime imprudence" they got married. And he never looked behind him after. Then he said if I meant to get on as a gynaecologist, I must get married. "Your wife will prove a mascotte like mine did," he said, "and patients will flow in—simply flow in." Well, I believe in Quayle. That was Tuesday night; on Wednesday I ran down to Lowesloft, proposed to Flo on Thursday, we were secretly married this morning at the Registry Office, she's gone back to her people, and I've come back to town; and what do I find? Nothing but bills, and I can't pay one of them. After settling for the special license, my fare back to town, and that telegram to Aurora. (feels in pocket, produces coppers) I've got sevenpence half-penny in the wide world and a wife! It's all Quayle's fault! Damn Quayle! I'll never believe in him again. I don't even know where my next meal is coming from, (walks up and down)

Aurora. 'Ere's yer tea, sir. I was glad to get your telegram. Mrs. O'Hara was getting quite anxious about you.

Aurora. She wondered where you'd got to, but I knew, sir. 'Ow is the pore lady? Do you think she'll get over it, Doctor?

Aurora (getting behind couch—aside) "'Is good girl," that I am, it's all for 'im. I know 'e's starving. 'E goes for that stale quartern like the pore prodigal gentleman with the 'usks, but I've got a treat for 'im, that there card put it in my 'ead. (points to Quayle's card in mirror) I've bought 'im a beautiful bird, that'll give 'im a relish, (to Doctor) Couldn't you fancy something light with yer tea, sir? (back of couch)

Doctor. Yes, I think I could—I'll finish that tin of potted pig I left, (rises, gets cC)

Doctor. (aside) She's eaten it. (to her) Aurora. show me your tongue. H'm! you'd better take this. (pours out a draught)

Aurora. (aside, rapturously) 'Is patient at larst! (takes it) Thank you, sir. (gasps) I've touched 'is 'and.

Aurora. I will, sir, if I die arter it. (aside) I'm in seven 'eavens already! (drinks, pulls an awful face) It's all for 'im!

Doctor. (seriously) You might have died of ptomaine poisoning, eating that decayed tinned stuff, (crosses to sofa, sits again)

Aurora. Please, sir, (looking at him fondly—hesitatingly) Mrs. O'Hara, she arsked me to say—as it's Lady day, would you allow 'er——

Aurora. Oh, no, sir—would you allow her to send up a beautiful bird for yer tea?

Doctor. (aside) Mrs. O'Hara has tried that dodge before, but I'm not taking any.

Doctor. (aside, jumping up) Quail on toast!' Damn it! Do you want to drive me mad? (shouts to her) No! Go! (sits and pours out another cup)

Doctor. What's she done that for? I wish Flo was here to look after me. It was hard to leave her at Lowestoft, (takes photo from pocket, stands it up before him on table) Dear little Flo! The one girl I've loved all my life! (arm outstretched, teapot in L. hand) To think that you're my wife at last! (slowly closing his arms) My wife! (hugging teapot, yowls) It seems too good to be true. And where are the patients Quayle said would flow In? Simply flow In! (waves teapot, tea, goes all over the stage) Hello! its flowing out.

(loudly) I say, where are my patients? (loudly, coming down stage, not seeing Plant)

Doctor. (seeing him) My first! Quayle's right, after all. (comes to Plant teapot in hand, assumes professional air) Good afternoon, won't you sit down? (seats himself and writing table, puts teapot on blotter. He is always absent-minded when absorbed in his science)

Plant. (aside) Well, upon my word, he's a cool customer. (stands R. of table)

Doctor. Come, come, let's hear what it is, or how I can help you; you know I'm in the habit of hearing confidences, (sees teapot, puts it under table)

Doctor. (bowing) Sir, I congratulate you. (writes "Father" on note pad—to Plant cheerfully) Is it a boy or a girl?

Doctor. Dear, dear, I sympathize with you. (makes a note "two girls") Mother doing well?

Doctor. (with sympathy) Ah, now I understand your agitation, (makes note) And the twins—are they well?

Doctor. Dear, dear! (aside) Lost his wife and both the poor little babies, (writing on note pad)

Doctor. (putting up his hand) No, no, if your own Doctor won't grant a certificate, it's no use coming to me. (tears up notes)

Doctor. (rises indignantly) Oh my sofa! Then you'd no business to. How dare you leave the poor things lying on my sofa? Where are they? (looking under sofa cushions)

Plant. Hang it, sir, that's what I've come to ask you. What have you done with them?

Tupper. (to Doctor) Please, sir, Mrs. O'Hara says—(hands him her account book)

Plant. (seizing Tupper) Where are my daughters? (crosses C, shaking Tupper—threatening him with big stick)

Plant. (pleased, releases him, pats his head) Good lad! (crosses down L.)

Tupper. I dunno, sir, two gentlemen—they didn't leave no name, they simply come, saw the ladies—-and carried 'em off.

Plant. A plot, sir—a vile plot—whoever the scoundrels are, they shall pay heavily for this wounded heart.

Doctor. (seriously) Heart? Cardiac? (hand on Plant's heart, listens)

Plant. (half crying, on Doctor's arm) My precious jewels! Two dear girls, Doctor. who have never caused me a moment's uneasiness all their blessed lives.

Doctor. (aside, looking through microscope) Hope not—only married this morning.

Plant. —or you couldn't stand there unmoved. I am struck down in the flower of my days; this is a stroke, sir, a fatal stroke. Ach! (cries out with pain—puts hands to his back)

Doctor. Not a patient! Then what do you come here for? Parables are no good to me. I've got my living to earn! (rings bell) Good afternoon!

Aurora. Very good, sir, we are busy to-day, sir. (to Plant) This way out. (at door)

Plant. (to Doctor) You little know whom you are insulting. Some day, sir, your eyes will be opened—and you will discover that the country cousin—

—whom you spurned from your door, was none other than a fairy prince, who will this very day lift you from the slough of grovelling poverty to the realms of affluence and prosperity. Good day, sir!

Doctor. (alone) "This very day"—"Affluence and prosperity"—"fairy prince"—oh, he's off his dot! (looks at postmark) "Ambleside." Why, it's from (rises and crosses L.) Aunt Susannah! "My dear Nephew: I have heard glowing accounts of your success." My success! "I long to see my brilliant nephew —I'm coming up to London to-morrow." To-morrow—to-morrow, (looks at calander) that's Saturday, good job it's not to-day. Mrs. O'Hara's got an Irish party on upstairs and Aunt Susie's so awfully quiet she can't stand the slightest noise, (reads) "It is my constant joy to know that you are devoting your days—and I daresay many of your nights—to the noble work of alleviating human suffering." (looks at her picture—reads) "I mean to do all that my money can do to help you to pursue your glorious profession with everything in your favor." Its too good to be true! (rises) No, it isn't Quayle's right again! Flo has brought me luck, and on our wedding day! (pause) The very day! That's what that silly old man with the dyed hair meant. By Jove! he is a fairy prince! Oh, Flo, Flo, what a honeymoon we'll have! (dances all over the room with delight, seizing a sofa cushion to dance with)

(Enter Aurora. followed by Ruby. Pearl. Waverly and Andrew in single file.)

(Ruby and Pearl sit on couch, Ruby L. of Pearl; Andrew and Waverly R. C, laughing.)

Doctor. (stops dancing suddenly—aside) Quayle's right again! They're flowing in, simply flowing in! (sits at table—to Waverly down r.) Good afternoon. Won't you sit down?

Andrew. (behind Doctor. slaps him on back, laughing) What do you take us for, Dull Boy?

Doctor. (between them) Not a patient? (to Andrew) Who are the ladies?

Doctor. I know, you're the Plants from Southsea? But how could I recognise you? I haven't seen you for so long.

Pearl. (making eyes at Doctor) We hope to see you every day now; we're in town for a week.

Doctor. (aside) "Dear Jack?" This is very sudden! (to them) Er—have some tea? (rings bell on table)

Aurora. Yes, sir—hot, strong and quick, (dives under knee-hole of table)

Doctor. (back of sofa, to Ruby) And have you come up from Portsmouth with Merry Andrew?

Doctor. (pleased) I'm never wrong in a diagnosis. (shakes hands with Andrew) I congratulate you. (looks at Pearl) And you and Mr. Vane are—— (shaking hands with Waverly) I congratulate you——

Doctor. She's coming! (waves hand vaguely towards picture and sits on sofa between girls)

Andrew. (laughing) Oh, you've got a "she," have you? You dog! (back at sofa)

( Aurora gasps a third time, loudest, and puts tray on tea-table, upsetting milk jug onto tray. Takes everything off tray quickly, pours spilt milk back into jug, wipes tray and mops milk off floor with apron, goes to fire and wrings out apron in fireplace.)

Doctor. (rises, goes up) You've got something on your chest, Aurora——

Aurora. (with fervour) Oh, do, sir. (goes C., aside) 'Is patient again! I wonder what colour it'll he this time? (to Doctor as he hands her the draught) Will this 'ere mix with that there, sir? (pointing at it)

Aurora (aside) I was a little silly to speak. I did want to touch 'is 'and again. 'E's got sich a sorft 'and!

Waver. To-morrow? We've got a box at the Hippodrome; you must come and bring your aunt.

(Doctor handing cigarettes to Andrew. who hands them to Waverly, and Waverly to girls.)

Doctor. No, no, she's not a trotter. She lives at Ambleside, and she's awfully quiet.

(Pearl takes a cigarette from Waverly, strikes match on her shoe, lights it.)

She'd think a visit to the Ballad Concerts was reckless dissipation, and if she saw a girl riding a bicycle or smoking a cigarette she'd say—(sees Ruby and Pearl—stops confused) I—I—don't know what she'd say.

Andrew. (roars and slaps him on the back) Just the same serious old Jack. You must come out with Vane and me to-night.

Waver. Yes, we'll paint London red for you—it's the season for spring-cleaning.

Doctor. With pleasure, but mind you, no larks after to-night. I know what a fellow you are for practical jokes, but if you played any joke on auntie, I'd never forgive you. She's one of the best, and I want her to enjoy her visit in her own quiet way. (looks through microscope)

Andrew. So she shall, old fellow! We'll take her to the Zoo to see the lions fed.

Doctor. (aside) Where's that specimen? (rings bell) Oh, I remember, in there—(points to door R. I. E., to them) Will you excuse me for a moment?

(Andrew crosses to sofa, Pearl pulls Waverly on to sofa. The Quartette sit around tea-table, talking and laughing.)

Andrew. (who has his arm round Ruby. aside to Waverly) Lend me your detective camera?

Aurora. (aside) Detective? I'm in this—it's all for 'im! (hides behind operating couch)

Waver. Here, no larks, Merry Andrew. what do you want it for? (nervously indicating that Pearl's taken his arm and put it round her waist)

(Waverly nervous tries to get his arm away—Andrew takes snap-shot at Aunt's picture, Aurora watching, her eyes just above couch.)

Andrew. I'm going to that wig-maker fellow to get him to make me up just like this snap-shot of that picture, he'll do it in half an hour, dress and all. I'll come back before you're gone, and Jack'll think I'm his "she."

Andrew. And you'll all be larking and smoking and kicking up no end of a row, and poor old Jack's serious face'll be a study.

Aurora. (aside) Will he? I'll learn you to make fun of the dear Doctor. see if I don't! (creeps to door)

(Re-enter Doctor—Waverly withdraws his arm suddenly, Pearl puts it back.)

Jack, dear, has any one been here while we were away? (toying with Waverly's hand)

Doctor. (still looking through microscope) Only a Billy old lunatic with dyed hair and a touch of lumbago.

Doctor. (aside) Oh, lor! (aloud) I'm awfully sorry I didn't know he was your father, he said he was a fairy prince.

Doctor. To look for someone—I think it was you. (points to Waverly and Andrew)

Andrew. Oh, I'm not afraid, but I've an appointment. (winking and smiling)

Andrew. Right! Shan't be long, Jack, and when we come back we're going to take you out to have one jolly good caper for the last, (slaps him hard on back.)

Andrew. (laughing and nudging Waver.) As you say, before auntie comes.

Pearl. (to Ruby) He's looking at us! Suppose he's fallen in love with us!

Doctor. (aside) I'm no match for the two of 'em. (sits on couch between girls—cheerily) Now make yourselves quite at home, let me give you some more tea? (to Ruby.)

(Bell rings. Ruby and Pearl rush back and sit one on each side of Doctor. cuddling close to him, each holding one of his hands.)

Doctor. (to them) Father's back? Oh, yes, I know, lumbago! I'll cure it.

(Holds out his hand, which Doctor cannot take—Bus. then girls release him—shaking Doctor's hand.)

Doctor. On the contrary, you ought to forgive me—I know now how much I owe you—my fairy prince!

Plant. (quickly) Hush! Not before the girls! (goes to them, stands back of sofa) My precious jewels, how thankful I am to find you safe and well, (aside) I'll give it you when I get you home. I know all! (to Doctor) Two dear girls, Doctor. who have never given me a moment's uneasiness all their blameless lives, (aside to Ruby) Have you settled? Which is it to be?

Plant. (savagely to Pearl) I shall lock you up in our room, miss, for the rest of the day.

Plant. (aside to Ruby) And you too! (aside) I can get on better without you. (to Doctor. stroking their hair) Ah, Doctor. the man who would dare to rob me of my precious jewels, Ruby and Pearl. will have much to answer for.

Doctor. Don't distress yourself, no man would be so heartless, (looking through microscope)

Plant. Ahem! Not such a fool as he looks! These girls are no match for him. I must get him alone. (aloud) Well, Doctor. we mustn't waste your precious time; I see you're busy.

Doctor. No, no, not on a Friday, to-morrow's my day. (nearly dances, checks himself, aside—to Plant) Besides I'm expecting an old school fellow directly, he's a lieutenant in the navy, and my greatest friend.

Plant. My dear Jack, we should be charmed to meet any friend of yours, but really during our short stay in town we have so many engagements, (to Ruby) Say good-bye and kiss him!

Pearl. Good-bye, Doctor. I wish you every success. (shakes hands and goes up stage)

Ruby. Good-bye! (pause) Dear Jack! (pause) I (going to kiss him, catches her father's eye, aside to Plant) I can't when you're looking.

The sunshine of my widowed home, Jack, a humble place, but when you come to visit us at Southsea, you will echo the words of the immortal bard, and join with us in singing, (sings) "Ours is a happy little home!"

Doctor. (alone) What a strange man! I wonder why he's pleaded my cause with Aunt Susannah? (looks at aunt's picture, sitting end of sofa) Poor Aunt Susie, when she was quite a girl she fell in love with a man who turned out all wrong; that's why she's lived such a lonely life all these years. Dear Aunt Susie! I'll do all I can to give you a good time, (goes back to microscope)

Aurora. (sadly) I don't want to bother you, sir, I've come to give you warning.

Aurora. Never, sir, not till I'm took feet front. I want to warn you about that detective, sir, as the gent brought in his pocket. His friend let it off at that picture, sir.

Doctor. (rubbing his hands) Oh, is he? It's my profession to cure people, and I'll cure you, Master Merry Andrew. of this insane love of practical joking, (thumps on table)

Aurora. Do, sir, I don't believe there's no ailment, male nor female, what you couldn't not cure, sir.

Aurora. Excuse the liberty I've took, sir, but I thought I'd best warn you, sir, lest when 'e come dressed up, you might think it was—it was she—and—and be disappointed, (half crying)

Doctor. So I should have been—very disappointed. (looking at picture) Thank you very much.

Aurora. Still gazin' at 'is fancy! The time 'as come. It's now or never—I'll struggle with yer! (gets on chair, looks over into mirror, takes combs from pocket, puts them on, pauses) I do 'ope Tupper was wrong; if 'e's gorn and married 'er, I'm the miserablest girl in all Pimlico—South Belgraviar, I mean, (jumps down)

Doctor. (turning round and seeing her) What on earth are you doing? Do you want to bring the house down?

Aurora. (effusively) 'E's seen my combs—my diamond combs, (shakes head to make them sparkle)

Doctor. (laughing) Did Mrs. O'Hara give you those paste things to wear for her party?

Aurora. (disappointed) No, sir, they ain't for Mrs. O'Ara, and they ain't pastry things, (aside) 'E don't know diamonds when 'e sees 'em!

Doctor. But those combs have gone out since that picture was painted; you're a long way behind the times—a long way. (bursts out laughing and rushes out) Ha! ha! ha!

Aurora. (alone, sobbing) I'm "gorn out"—"be'ind the times," there's no 'ope, I shall never wear 'em again—(takes them off) But I'll 'ave 'em buried with me. (pockets them) I shall die an old maid now—I can't wait till Tupper's growed up. Oh, it's an 'ard world for us maids, a very 'ard world!

Aurora. (sobbing) N-othin', mum. We're a b-bit b-busier to-day than usual, that's all.

Aunt. Is this the doctor's consulting room? (looks round with affectionate interest—sits at his table) Aurora. One of 'em, mum—I expect 'e's in one of the h'inner rooms, engaged with some patients, 'e's always very busy on a Friday—you couldn't 'ave picked a worse day to come and see the great Doctor. 'Ave you got an appointment?

Aurora. Oh! (Bus.—mimicking her intonation) Then I'll tell him. (knocks at door R.I.E.) A lady to see you, sir.

Aurora. (aside) The h'operating couch! Pore thing! If it ain't a h'arm, it's a leg! (looks at her sympathetically)

Aunt. (looking at picture over door) My picture! How sweet of the dear boy! Oh, Jack, what a happy time we shall have together.

Aurora. (coaxingly) If you please mum, the doctor says as you're to take the couch, and he'll take your case next, mum. (puts her arm round her waist and walks her up to couch)

Aunt. (smiling) My case! (sits on sofa) Aurora. Yes, buck up, mum! (slaps her on back)

Aunt. (amused, aside) Am I very pale, I wonder? If I am, it's with the joy of looking forward to clasping my dear brother's child in my arms.

Aurora. (kindly) It'll soon be over. He'll be very gentle with yer, he's got sich a sorft 'and. (puts her legs up)

Doctor. (to Aurora) Don't you see? It's the picture—my Aunt Susie! (points to picture, then to her)

Aurora. (comes to join him, they stand c, backs to audience, roars) So it is, an' I said, "If it ain't a h'arm, it's a leg." (roars)

Doctor. It's both arms and both legs, Aurora. and we'll have 'em off in a twinkling, (takes coat off, rolls up shirt sleeves)

Aurora. Right you are, sir, you fetch the larfin' gas, while I sharpen the knives, (sharpens two long knives from case against each other)

ACT II.

Scene.—Same as Act I. No time elapses.

Doctor. (alone) Good old Merry Andrew! What a sight he looked! Fancy expecting me to take his lumbering carcase for my gentle aunt. Why, I could see his trousers, (laughs, picks up bills, suddenly stops laughing) I must sober down now and remember I'm a married man with a lot of responsibilities—and no money, not yet! But auntie's coming to-morrow—the real aunt—coming like a good fairy to make everything rosy! (looks at photo) Flo, dear little Flo!

(not hearing bell, engrossed in photo) I'm longing to tell you the good news! I'll write to you. (sits and writes) "Dear Madam." (tears it up) I mean "Darling Flo." (writes)

(Enter Flora. shown in by Aurora. She carries a bag in each hand, and parcels under each arm.)

Doctor. (not hearing, writes) "What wouldn't I give to have you here now." (takes out coppers) Sevenpence ha-penny!

Doctor. (absently) Good afternoon. Won't you sit down? Now, what can I do for you? What's the trouble, eh?

Doctor. Delighted to see you, my dear Flo—most unexpected pleasure—only sorry you can't stop the night.

Flora. But I can and I must! I can't live apart from you, Jack. I've tried it all the morning, and I can't. (falls in his arms)

Doctor. But you must live apart from me—for—for a day or two. There's a lady coming to-morrow who mustn't see you here for anything.

Flora. (by sofa C.) A lady! The first day of our honeymoon! Who is she? (pauses) A patient?

Doctor. (putting his arm round her assuredly) My dear little wifie, she's only my maiden aunt.

Doctor. Quite! Here's her letter, (crosses to sofa, takes it from his pocket and gives it to her) Now are you satisfied, jealous little woman?

Flora. Forgive me, Jack. I can't help being jealous of everybody and everything—I love you so much!

Doctor. (round on to sofa) I know you do—and see what luck you've brought me. (pointing to letter which she is reading) I told you we shouldn't go wrong if we followed Quayle's advice. Auntie's coming to-morrow, and she's going to do all that money can——

Flora. (reading letter) To-day, Jack—she's coming to-day. This letter was written yesterday.

Doctor. (suddenly) What a fool I am! Where's the Bradshaw? (crosses to table, turns over leaves of Bradshaw, hurriedly) Ambleside! A! Where's A! Acton, Aldersgate, Ambleside, here we are! Good gracious! She's nearly here! (crosses to Flo) Flo, it will never do to greet her with a story of a secret marriage—she'd be simply horrified! It's very hard to part—it's been a short and unsatisfactory honeymoon, (kisses her) But— Where's that Bradshaw? (crosses to table, fumbles to find the place) Lowestoft? L! L! Where the devil is L?

Aurora. 'Ere, sir—a letter for you, sir—and the boy's waiting, (R. C.)

Doctor. (takes letter) Look out the next train, you must catch it! (throws Bradshaw to Flo)

(Doctor reading letter—Flo reluctantly looking out train, in Bradshaw, half crying.)

Aurora. (aside) You shall catch it, impudent 'ussy! I see yer kiss 'im! They all kiss their dear Doctor. excep' me. (turns up her nose at Flo, crosses R. of table c.)

Flora. (glancing at Aurora) I don't like the look of that girl, (starts) She's reading his letter, and I haven't seen it!

Aurora. (aside, reading the letter) I'll learn 'er bloomin' symptoms—I must be 'is patient.

Flora. (watching her) The forward minx! (shuts Bradshaw with a bang) I won't go back to Lowestoft. A wife's place is by her husband's side, (takes her hat off and sits twisting Bradshaw, viciously)

Aurora. Yes, sir. (takes note, crosses to Flo) Can I show you your place—

Flora. (haughtily, snatching it back) No, thank you—I can manage myself.

Aurora. (aside) Can yer? I'll struggle with yer—I've learnt 'er symptoms, (as she goes out) Impudent 'ussy!—kissing the dear doctor. I'll struggle with yer, my gal!

Flora. (looking at Doctor. who is absorbed reading letter) He's forgotten me already, (pause)

Doctor. (rubbing his hands) Good business! Call on you this evening, my dear lady—of course I will! I wish it was time now. (looks at watch)

Doctor. "Only that!" My dear Flo, a doctor's wife can't afford to be jealous. You'll frighten away all my most paying patients.

Flora. Oh, no, Jack, I won't, (runs and kneels by him) I'll try and look as if I liked them, but I can't help being jealous. My jealousy's only love the wrong side up—that's all.

Doctor. I know it is, and I'm so glad that my first case has come when you were here. You are a mascotte indeed! (stoops and kisses her)

Doctor. (not noticing, absorbed in letter) This is the very case I've always been hoping for, and I've got if at last! Just look at the gold crest, and the thick paper. No, don't read it. Oh, it's worth three guineas a week, if it's worth a penny, and it's a three years' job—bar accidents.

Doctor. Hysterical paraplegia—she's afflicted with all sorts of abnormal fancies and longings.

Flora. (jumping up suddenly from her knees) Who's that? Another lady afflicted with all sorts of longings?

Doctor. (seriously, rubbing his hands) I hope so—devoutly, (rises suddenly) By George! If it's auntie!1 She mustn't find you here.

Flora. (running about aimlessly) Where shall I go? (crosses L., runs towards bathroom R. U. E)

Doctor. Oh, yes, I forgot. But aunt may want to take her things off, and if she found you there, the whole story'd have to come out, and she might think it was a fairy tale, and that would be awful! I know—on my operating couch.

(Runs down O. P.., crosses R. corner and then round table C., followed by Doctor.)

Doctor. It's all right! It won't bite you! (takes up rug) I'll chuck this rug over you. She'll think it's something anatomical. She'll never suspect it's my blushing bride.

Flora. Oh, Jack, why should you hide your blushing bride? She's sure to find me here.

Doctor. The more conspicuous the better, when you want to hide anything. It disarms suspicion, (down stage)

Flora. (jumps off couch, and stalks down to him in a towering rage) Jack! You've done this before!!

Doctor. Never! I swear! Do help me now, and all will come right, (drags her back and covers her up)

Flora. (popping her head out) Oh, hubby, are you sure we're properly married?

Flora. (same Bus.) It doesn't feel like it a bit. Oh, it's a horrid, horrid wedding day! (kicks and disarranges rug)

Doctor. (putting it back) She's coming! Lie still, do lie still! Flo, please—for my sake! Do lie quite still—

Plant. My dear cousin Jack! (putting out his hand) I'm so glad to find you alone. My mission is of rather a delicate nature.

Doctor. (aside) Oh, Lord! (looks at couch nervously to Plant) I'm rather busy to-day. You couldn't call some other time, could you? (feels his pulse)

Plant. My dear Jack, you misunderstand me—it's not me—it's my precious jewels. I've left them lying in their room, their sobs were distressing to hear, they are suffering terribly.

Plant. (aside) Locked up, and serve 'em right. I'll get on better without 'em. (aloud) They are both—( sobs ) —both——

Doctor. Two of 'em! The more the merrier! I'll come at once, (putting on his hat)

Plant. No, you misunderstand me—they are simply overcome with the way—to use their own phrase—the "affectionate" way in which you received them this afternoon.

It's Jack, dear Jack, darling Jack, (same Bus.) Ah, you have robbed me of my precious jewels.

Plant. (indignant) It's not nonsense at all, it's very serious. Heaven forbid that I should speak, harshly to a young man with a rich—ahem!—future—but as their father—from whom they have never had a secret all their blameless lives——(crosses R.) I tell you, sir, you have broken two hearts in one afternoon.

Plant. They're wasting the best years of their lives, and all for you, sir—all for you! (cross L., waves his stick excitedly)

Plant. I don't ask you to marry both—(whacks)—of them, but one or the other you must—(whacks)—and shall—(whacks on table)—after all you have said and done, (up) Now, my dear sir, (walking about waving his stick C.) I speak to you as a bachelor—(whacks rug with walking stick)—without encumbrances, (whacks) What have you got there? (whacks)

Doctor. Anatomical model. Look out, you'll break it—and these things cost money, you know.

Plant. I accept your explanation—without prejudice, Well, to return to our muttons—I mean my poor lambs—

Plant. (severely) Answer me, sir—what are your intentions with regard to my two daughters? (Bus. Flo.)

Doctor. (sofa, aside) If he wasn't my fairy prince, I'd brain him! (spots Flo's hat and collars it, confused) Flo's hat! Oh —er—honourable, you know—strictly honourable, (tries to hide Flo's hat)

Plant. (pointing to Flo's hat) What is that, sir? (works right round sofa)

Plant. Don't be flippant, sir. (seizes hat and waves it) You're deceiving my girls, two girls with but one Single thought, two hats—hearts that beat for Jack.

Doctor. (to Plant) I'm deceiving no one—that hat belongs to one of my patients.

Doctor. A lady in whose case I take the deepest interest. Can't tell you—it would be a breach of professional etiquette.

Plant. (goes to Doctor over R., throws his hat and stick on sofa) Ah, now you're talking business. The legal and medical professions are sisters, and should have no secrets.

Plant. Delicate cases are my speciality, and if I can be of any assistance to you—(aside)—or you to me—. (aloud) I'm at your service. Proceed.

Doctor. (aside) I'll break it to him gently why I can't marry his daughters, (to Plant) Well, to begin with, she's a married woman——

Doctor. (airily) Oh, he can afford it. (speaks low so that Flo can't hear) He's a great friend of mine—in fact, the greatest friend I have in all the world.

(softly) Don't you see, they married secretly, without her parents' consent, and she went back to her people, and—and time went on—and at last she could bear it no longer, so this afternoon she came up to town to find her husband——

Doctor. And she came straight to me, and she had a fit of hysteria and she fell——

Doctor. Fainted—fainted! And now she's lying down, and the question is, when she recovers, where is she to go?

Flora. (aside, popping her head out) I've got the cramp! I shall shriek in a minute.

Plant. (aside) I'll put him under an obligation, (to Doctor—effusively, loudly) My dear cousin, my door is ever open to the weary wanderer, and if the fair owner of that hat——

Doctor. No, no! It's very kind of you, but I won't hear of it. The fair owner of that hat is perfectly comfortable where she is.

Flora. Go away—don't touch me. (lies on couch, rubbing her leg, aside to Doctor) I'm not your poor child any longer. I shall get the registrar to cancel our certificate.

Plant. (to Doctor. who comes down C., looking miserable) So that's your anatomical model, eh? Your friend's wife? You Don Juan! (digs him in ribs. In his ear) "These things cost money, you know." (laughs—to Doctor) If it comes to a divorce, look me up. I'll pull you through on reduced terms.

Flora. (coldly, crossing from him to Plant) Yes, thank you, Doctor Sheppard. (aside) Now I'll find out all about Jack and these precious jewels! (crosses r. to Plant) I accept your kind offer of hospitality, sir.

Plant. (aside) He'll have to marry my daughter after this, (goes to Flo)

Doctor. (aside) I hate letting her go with Plant. but P'raps it's the best way out. Anyway she'll not see auntie, I must get 'em oft before she comes, (to Plant) My fairy prince, how can I thank you for this double act of kindness?

Don't double up like that—you might be struck so. I'm more grateful to you (same Bus.) than I can express. (same Bus again) I've moved him at last! Good!

Plant. I must get out of this. Ah, my dear young lady, allow me. Your hat. (hands Flo hat from off sofa, watching Doctor—to Flo) Ah, he's a sad dog, always full of fun! That's why all the girls are so madly in love with him.

Flora. (severely) They must be mad to be in love with him! (at sofa back, putting her hat on, looking in mirror)

Plant. (aside) Tired of him already. She'll be wanting to go back to her husband—good business for the lawyer—(rubs his hands)—and especially for yours truly, (goes up in front of mirror—crosses round sofa) I must find out what her husband's name is. I'm quite ready when you are, my dear Mrs.—er—Mrs.——

Doctor. (crosses C. quickly, aside to Plant) Garden—. better call her Miss Garden for the present.

Plant. (aside to Doctor) I say, this mustn't be used against me in evidence. It's only for your sake, you gay dog! (offers his arm to Flo) Come, my dear Miss Garden—you must confide in me as in a second father.

Plant. (at door) I say, Jack—"a lady in whose case I take the deepest interest!" (nods towards her)

Plant. (as they go out arm in arm, winks at Doctor) No, sir, we won't speak to you.

Doctor. (alone) I should like to have that gentleman for a surgical patient! I half wish I hadn't let her go. Those girls are sure to talk about me, and Heaven only knows what they'll say! I wonder if they're really in love with me? No! not likely. I'm not the sort of fellow girls fall in love with. No girl ever fell in love with me except Flo—dear jealous little Flo! Ah, well, I love her all the more for being so jealous, and I know she loves me. Thank Heaven one woman loves me, and only one.

Aunt. (aside) I'm calmer now! (her lips are set, and she looks anything but calm) And I'll make him explain his outrageous conduct, (crosses right round writing table)

Aunt. (with suppressed indignation) Engaged with some poor suffering patient, I presume? (sits)

Aurora. (aside) I don't like her tone of voice, (comes down and looks in her face—aside) It's 'im! (aloud) Is the doctor expectin' of you back, or was you took wuss? What's your complaint, eh? (taps her on the shoulder)

Aunt. (indignantly) My complaint? You! (shoves her away) Go and tell the doctor that I am here, at once.

Aurora. (not moving) Oh, yuss, if not sooner. What name, eh? (same Bus.)

Aurora. (not moving) Oh, the doctor won't see no lady without no name. 'E's very particular.

Aunt. (with suppressed rage) Then tell him Susie-Toosie wants to see him. (crosses sofa and sits)

Aurora. Oh! what ho! (laughing) Susie-Toosie—oh, if it's that you needn't wait. Come along, outside. (tries to pull her out of her chair) 'Op it!

Doctor. (laughing) So it is. Go on, Aurora. turn it out, that thing's my aunt, (sings) "For she's a jolly good fellow."

Doctor. (quietly) Look here, you merry Andrews take your hair off. (pulls it) Oh, by George!, he has stuck it on tight! (pulls it harder)

Doctor. Don't put on that silly voice, I know all about you. I'll make him jealous, (sings) "There were two jolly sailor girls from Portsmouth town"—the little one makes eyes at me. But it's the tall one I like, she calls me "dear Jack." Oh, she's dead gone on me. Her father wants me to marry her. (aside) That's shut him up! (aloud) And look here, you've got to take your hook. I'm fagged out after my railway journey—I'm going to have a bath before she comes—you know I'm a great believer in the water cure.

(Takes off his frock coat and throws it down, goes to bath room, turns on hot and cold taps in sight of audience, noise of water flowing into bath.)

Now, don't sit there looking a silly ass. (shies something at her at the last word)

You know you're not a bit like a lady, and nobody but a lunatic would take you for one. Hurry up and get some decent togs on, and come back for me at 7:30. Do you hear, you old joker, it's no use keeping it up—

Oh, well, I can't wait, (undoes his braces) But look here, if you don't clear out before she comes I'll break every bone in your body. Au reservoir!

Tupper. (looks round, sees no one, hears splashing in next room) 'E's 'avin' a bath, now's my time for a quiet smoke, (picks cigarette end oft ash tray)

Tupper. (starts and comes to her, cigarette in mouth) Summat wrong with yer 'ead?

Tupper. The doctor'll cure it in a jiffy, take my tip, but 'e's 'avin' a bath just now. You know he's a great believer in the water cure. He says if we 'ad cleaner bodies we'd 'ave cleaner minds—do you 'old with that? I spec he'll give you the water cure. I say—you must pay for it afore you go, 'cos 'e's stoney. Goes on tick for every think. 'Ave you got a light?

Tupper. All right, no offence, (gets match from mantelpiece) The doctor could make lots of money if he'd only try, but 'e don't. 'E just lies on that couch all day reading books with 'orrible pictures of people 'aving their arms and legs chopped orf, and such like. (coming round) This is the wust—ain't it blood-curdling? But the lady don't seem to mind—she looks quite calm and peaceful-like, don't she? (shows Aunt the book)

Tupper. All right—keep your 'air on. (goes up stage) 'E's wonderful clever; you should see 'im with these 'ere knives, golly! ain't they sharp! (trying one) 'E'd slice yer up as soon as look at yer, and yet no patients don't come. Why's that? Do you think 'e's too expensive—it's a pound a time.

I say, the proper way is to leave it in a h'envelope on this 'ere table. Don't forget, 'cos there 'ere clothes ain't paid for yet, and if they ain't to-day, they're a-comin' orf.

Tupper. (aside) Well, it ain't my fault if 'e don't get on! I says all I can!

(Enter Ruby and Pearl. shown in by Aurora—they don't see Aunt.)

Aurora. I'll tell the Doctor. (goes to bath room) E's very busy now—but——

Ruby. (backing down stage astonished, to Pearl) Miss Garden! What does she want to come for—and spoil our fun?

Aurora. (aside) I must 'ear this—it's all for 'im. (stays at back, pretending to tidy)

Flora. It was no excuse at all. I was pulling the blind down to darken the room, when I saw you two horrid things crossing the road to this house—when you said you were going shopping. That was only an excuse to come and flirt with my Jack!

Flora. And I followed you, though my head's splitting, for I love him with all my heart, and I won't let anyone come between us.

Flora. Did he? Then he basely betrayed my husband's sacred confidence, (crosses back again)

Pearl. (with sarcasm) Your husband's sacred confidence! If you're really a respectable married woman, my dear Miss Garden, instead of coming here to slander my father, you'd better go back and lie down.

Flora. And leave you alone with my Jack? No, thank you! What are you, I'd like to know? Two horrid fast girls who ran away with two young men only this morning, and had to be locked up.

Flora. And you picked the lock with a hairpin, and came here all alone to flirt with my Jack!

Ruby. Your Jack? How dare you! (crosses to Flo and comes back) He's my Jack!

Aurora. (screams) Oh, 'Evvings! They're going to marry my Jack! (coming down—falls on her knees facing audience C.)

Aurora. (kneeling) Yuss! I love Mm with a secret passion and I don't care who knows it! (rises)

Aunt. It's a perfect harem! (makes her escape towards door and Exits still unobserved.)

Aurora. (C.) Don't you think because I'm only a servant, a common slavey with £5 a year and a 'alf a pound o' sugar a week, that I'm a-goin' to 'ave the dear doctor took from me!

Aurora. And why not? 'Cos I wears a cap? Look 'ere! you three girls is all settin' your caps at 'im. I'm in it too. (throws down cap)—and I chucks darn the gimlet.

Aurora. (crying) Yuss! I know I'm a little stupid, but which o' you would put yer 'ole soul into cleanin' 'is boots, as I does? Which o' you would buy 'im wittles out o' yer perks as I does? I may be a little stoopid, but I loves 'im more than all of yer put together, and I'll struggle with yer, see if I don't!

Flora. I shall ask the doctor to give me something to send it away, (makes herself comfortable on sofa, back to Pearl)

Ruby. (to Pearl) Never mind, she shan't interfere with our fun; we can't leave those two sitting in that four-wheeler all day. (rises, comes to Pearl)

Flora. (aside) I'll make Jack explain about those girls, or I'll break off our—our honeymoon; they talk as if he was engaged to both of them. Now I know why he was so desperately anxious to hide me when their father called.

(Enter Doctor. in pyjamas and eccentric Turkish dressing gown, rubbing his head with a towel—Flo doesn't see him.)

Doctor. (surprised to see her) Good afternoon, (fumbles for his eye-glass which is hanging down his back)

What can I do for———(recognizes her) My darling wife! This is a pleasant surprise.

Flora. (starting up) Go away, you object! (crosses R. ) It's not a pleasant surprise, and I'm not your wife any longer! I know all—oh, Jack!

Doctor. (aside) Those precious jewels have said something. Confound them! (advancing to her, timidly) My dear Flo, if you will only give me time, I can explain everything!

Ruby. (seeing Doctor and Flo together) Oh, we didn't know you were engaged.

Doctor. Tupper's never awake when the bell rings. I'll discharge that boy—at least my half of him!

Ruby. I told her I'd see if you were disengaged, and she scribbled her name on her card; here it is. (reads) Miss Susannah Sheppard!

Doctor. (to Flo) She mustn't see me like this—(looks at the dressing gown)—and she mustn't see you at all, you must fly!

Flora. (clinging to Jack, who is pale and agitated) Oh, Jack! I can't go and leave you with them, (looking at Ruby and Pearl) Can't you say that I'm one of your patients?

Doctor. Good idea, how clever of you. Get back there, (on operating couch)

Doctor. (to girls) All right! All be patients. It'll impress auntie, (takes off dressing-gown and flings it into bathroom, is just going in—stops) No! No time to change, (snatches his frock coat off chair, and buttons it over his pyjamas) Remember! This is the supreme moment of my life. Whatever I say to you—whatever I do to you—you mustn't mind.

(to Andrew) My dear aunt, I'm so glad to see you. Won't you sit down? (leads him down to sofa)

Doctor. (at settee to Andrew) I must apologize for this worn-out attire—I'm always worn out on Friday, my worst day. I wish you'd come any other day. No! I don't mean that! I mean I'm awfully glad you've come to-day, but I'm awfully sorry I'm so busy I can't talk to you. No, no! I don't mean that! I mean I'm awfully glad, of course, that I'm so busy I can't talk to you! No, no, of course I don't mean that—I mean—I don't quite know what I do mean. You see it's Friday—oh! what a fool she must think me! Will you excuse me just two minutes while I settle off a few patients?

(aside to them, softly) Don't laugh at her! and don't look so beastly healthy! Look pale! Faint! Do something!

(crosses quickly back to Aunt) I'm so sorry to keep you waiting, my dear aunt; won't you amuse yourself with a book or something? (goes to couch at back, fetches "Quayle on Muscles," comes back quickly to Aunt, opens it) Here you are. (shuts it quickly and shies it down, aside) What do ladies read?

(Crosses quickly to Pearl. who is reading "Pink 'Un," snatches it from her.)

Thank you very much, (crosses quickly to Aunt) Here you are, aunt, this is a lady's paper! (gives it to her and runs to Flo at back—aside anxiously) I'll explain everything when they've gone! (loudly, holding her hand) Ah! your nerves are run down a little, (goes to medicine chest)

Confound those Plant girls—I'll pay them out! (flings roll of lint at Pearl. then pours sal volatile from bottle into measuring glass, then into tumbler, adds a little water—to Flo) There! drink that! You'll soon be better.

(During this Bus. Pearl picks up roll of lint, puts a bandage round Waverly's face—Ruby steals across stage and kisses Andrew—Doctor turns round just after.)

Ruby. (C., confused, comes to table) Could you take my case next, doctor? I'm so bad!

Doctor. You are. (Bus.—with stethoscope) I mean—with pleasure! I'll write you a prescription, (writes) I should advise a long voyage with a merry companion.

Better start at once, (hands her prescription, saying aside) Go! (rings bell on table)

Ruby. (aside to him, stifling a laugh) My sister, of course. I'm not going to leave her here, (crosses C., then on to Andrew)

(Doctor rushes at Pearl. who is hobbling across stage on Waverly's walking stick and takes stick from her.)

(then loudly) I'll write to your school mistress about you. I think a little physical treatment locally applied (brandishing stick) will put you right very soon. Good afternoon, (aside) Go! Go! both of you! (rings bell)

More carriages for this lady, Tupper. (to Pearl) You needn't wait, little girl.

Pearl. I shall wait for Mr. Vane; and I won't be called a little girl! (goes to Ruby)

Doctor. (getting desperate) Shall I never get rid of 'em! (rushes at Vane and grips him by the arm) I'll take you next, sir. (loudly)

Stop that infernal laughing. I know my aunt will see through it soon, (punches him on back)

Ah, it's still there! (loudly) That'll have to come out! (punches him harder)

(Drags him oft to bath-room—opens door, turns on taps and leaves them running. Waverly runs back to his chair, Doctor runs back after him.)

Doctor. (seeing her—rushes at her—aside to her) Take 'em off, you fool! She's come! Take 'em off, I say, or I'll take 'em off for you!

(Doctor far too preoccupied to hear him, pushes Aunt into bath-room—she falls head foremost into bath, her heels go up—loud splash. Doctor bangs door, turns round, sees Andrew.)

ACT III.

Scene.—The same as Acts I and II.

(Doctor discovered alone, in frock coat and pyjama trousers, and just going to knock at bath-room door.)

Doctor. (hand up, listening) I must apologize to her! No, I simply daren't, (comes down C.) It was such an awful thing to do, I'll—I'll wait till Flo comes out to—to tell me how she is. (listens) No, I can't. I know! I'll go to her in my professional capacity! (puts on high hat, and does to door, just going to knock, looks at pyjamas) I can't go in these. Where are my trousers? (looks round) Of course, in there! (points to bathroom) I know! I'll go to ask for my trousers! (same Bus.—about to knock) No that's a silly idea! I'm losing my wits, (comes down C. and sits at writing table) Suppose something happens to her? There'll be an inquest, and it'll be all in the papers: "Brutal Conduct of a West End Doctor.." Oh, my cup of misery is full!

Aurora. (to Doctor) Here you are, doctor—a telegram for you, sir. We are busy to-day!

Doctor. (opens telegram, starts, aside) From my father-in-law. (reads to himself) "Have learnt from local registrar your cowardly conduct in eloping with my daughter—am on my way to London to horsewhip you."

Doctor. (gloomily) No! It's nothing—only an appointment—I shan't keep it.

You go h'upstairs to the tea-fight. 'Ere's yer invite. (takes card off mantel) There's plenty to eat and drink and nothin' to pay; you done quite enough work for one day, sir.

Flora. (indignantly to Doctor) Don't touch me! I wonder you aren't ashamed to. This is your work! (crosses to Aurora quietly) Take these, and dry them as quickly as possible!

Doctor. Don't ask silly questions. Do as you're told. I don't know what it is, but do it!

Aurora. (aside) If the missus sees these she'll turn the dear doctor into the street. I know she will! But she shan't see 'em, if I can 'elp it. (hugs them closely) It's all for 'im! Oh, ain't they wet, but they can't squelch the flame that's burnin' 'ere for the dear doctor. (coming down) I must tell him, I must! (throws wet clothes down on stage)

Mrs. O'H. 'Ow dare you wait on lodgers as can't pay their rint? (by sofa) Go h'upstairs and wait on my lady friends.

(leans on back of sofa, to Doctor) Pardon me for callin' when you're so busy, (with sarcasm)

Doctor. (absent-minded) Don't mention it. Won't you sit down? Now, what can I—oh, it's the landlady!

Mrs. O'H. I'm glad to 'ear it. If a man can't h'earn a honest livin' at your time of life, 'e may as lief—(hiccough)—drown 'isself.

Doctor. (picking up pile of bills) No, I've been reminded, but I'm afraid I must trouble you to wait.

Mrs. O'H. As I was just remargin' to Widder Smith, as is honnering my party h'upstairs—

Doctor. (rising) Don't let me keep you from your friends, (half rising) They'll be getting impatient.

Mrs. O'H. (rising) H'impatient indeed. (crosses C.) Their company manners is just as good as your friends, I'll warrant. Which reminds me that Widder Smith 'as met you in (hiccough) in sassiety.

Mrs. O'H. Ho! of course not! (comes to him) You'll say next you never gave her a bath—(hiccoughs)

Mrs. O'H. (very indignant) A bath bun—I was a-goin' to say, and a cup o' coffee, at the Penny Reading—(crosses C. again)

Doctor. (smiling grimly) Oh, I remember that Penny Reading—I gave a comic recitation—it was funny! (sits again)

Mrs. O'H. Fairly so, she says, 'for a hamatoor. Somethin' about the water-cure, wasn't it?

Mrs. O'H. Well, out o' charity to a pore lodger as can't pay 'is rent, I'm goin' to take yer h'upstairs to to say that there recitltation to my lady friends. Come along!

Mrs. O'H. Ho! but I'm going to take 'arf a crown off the rint-book for yer doin' of it—ap come along! (drags him)

Doctor. No, no—I really can't—I've had a terribly busy day and I'm too—tired!

Doctor. (alone) I wonder if the fall from the Albert Suspension is worse than Waterloo Bridge? (sits looking miserable)

Doctor. (aside) I wonder if I ought to keep that appointment with my father-in-law first. No! I'll spare him the trouble.

Aurora. (aside) Now, when I come to think of it, there's not only them three girls settin' their frills at 'im, but there's the lady without any clothes in there, (points to bathroom) That's four of 'em, but I'll struggle with the lot.

Doctor. (aside) I'll go now. (rises) Oh, I do feel so nervous, (pours out whiskey, going to add water) N—no! I shall get enough water afterwards, (drinks)

Aurora. (aside) I'll be 'is patient! They all do it that way. I've learnt the symptoms off the letter, I'll see if I know 'em. (repeats them to herself with action)

Doctor. (aside) Courage, courage! (strikes his chest, going) No, I can't go in these! (looks at pyjamas) I can't drown myself in pyjamas, and I've left my only trousers in there, and I can't get 'em—how—how very annoying, (sits again, much relieved) I can't drown myself.

Aurora. (standing C. end of sofa, leaning head on cushion) Ho, sir, I do feel queer.

Aurora. I'ye got all sorts of normal fancies, an'— longin's—hawful longin's, sir—I think I'm longin' to drown myself.

Doctor. (suddenly) Don't say that! I'm surprised at you—don't you know it's only cowards who want to drown themselves. Come now, sit down! What's the trouble, eh?

Aurora. (effusively) Oh!! My symptoms, sir? (aside) I know 'em all by 'eart! (whispers in his ear)

Doctor. Most extraordinary! I've heard of a case exactly like that. Whose was it? (sees letter on table) Of course! The lady in Grosvenor Road. My only patient, and I'd forgotten her! I must pull myself together. I've got my work to do—my work, (picks up aunt's letter) "The noble work of alleviating human suffering!" Ah, that's what she said—before she had a bath—(looks at bathroom, sighs. To Aurora) Aurora. your case is deeply interesting.

Doctor. Now tell me. (Bus. with scribbling block) Do you suffer from your heart?

Aurora. Oh, don't sir. (simpers) My 'eart, oh, don't I just! You 'ark at it, sir! (rushes at him, jumps on his knee, and presses his head to her heart) It goes bumpity-bump, and it's all for you, sir, all for you.

(Flo. shrieks, and enter Aunt quickly from bathroom in Doctor's Turkish bath-towel dressing gown, and wearing his Turkish smoking-cap and bedroom slippers.)

Aurora. (looking at Aunt) What is it? I shall go off into highstrikes in a minute, I know I shall.

Aunt. (more severely) Answer me, sir, what does this mean? (crosses to sofa)

Doctor. (looking at Aurora) I—I don't quite know. I think it's some form of hysteria, (bending over her)

Aurora. (suddenly recovering and sitting up) It's a complicated case, mum. (laughs and falls back)

Aunt. (to Aurora) Hold your tongue! (to Doctor) coward! to try to sneak out of it like that! I've done with you.

Aunt. (aside) I'll save this sweet girl from him, my way. (to Flo.) Go in there, dear, while I talk to him.

Aunt. So, sir, you're not satisfied with your outrageous treatment of me—your loving aunt, who came to London to be your best friend—(C.)

Aurora. (taking Doctor's arm—looks up at him lovingly) "The pair of us!"

Aunt. You shameless Don Juan; you've bragged to me about your goings on with two sailor girls——

Aunt. Silence! You're breaking the heart of that dear girl in there, (pointing to bathroom) Who's worth a hundred such creatures as you—a murderer who tried to drown his own aunt!

Aurora. Drown yer! Why, the dear doctor wouldn't drown a kitten, and you ain't no kitten, 'Amlet!

Aunt. A disreputable Pimlico lodging-house kitchen girl! (crosses R. and back again)

(aside) I'd rather drown myself! (crosses R. corner) Aunt. Yes, and I'll make you do it. (with scorn)

Aurora (surprised—kneels) Oh, thank you for those blessed words, mum! You darlin' lady! I'll go and see to your clothes now, auntie! (going, comes back) Kiss me, Jack! Kiss your Financy!

(Doctor leans with his back to table—Aurora climbs up on table and kisses him.)

Aunt. (seating herself end of sofa, and putting rug over her, aside) She shall come and live with me! I know what it is to have loved a worthless man! (looks severely at Doctor) I pity her!

Doctor. (very timidly) Aunt, may I explain? I'm not——(crosses to sofa)

Plant. (not seeing Aunt, meets Doctor going towards door) Bear up, Jack, I've bad news for you—Miss Garden's bolted—gone back to her husband, I'm afraid.

Plant. (staggered, recovers himself) My dear Miss Sheppard! (aside to Doctor) What's the matter with her?

Plant. Ahem! So this joyful meeting between aunt and nephew has taken place—how I wish I'd been here to witness it—and my daughters, too. (to Aunt) They're devoted to dear Jack. Ah, I'm afraid the rascal means to rob me of one of my precious jewels. He's a gray dog!

Aunt. (aside) The sailor girls. They're his daughters! (cross to fireplace) Ugh!

Ah, but he'll be a great physician—ahem—some day. (aside to Doctor) When the daisies are growing over auntie, eh? (end of sofa) Aunt. (severely) John!

(Doctor rises as if in a dream, shakes hands with Plant at end of sofa, and goes towards bathroom where Flo. went out.)

Plant. (aside) He's upset her, somehow—I wonder how? Ah, well, I must pour oil on the troubled waters. (to Aunt) A Wonderful character—er—John. I congratulate you on having such a nephew—he combines all the tenderness of a woman with the more muscular qualities of a man. Did I tell you the story of his kindness to the milkman's baby?

Plant. Certainly—er—bother the milkman's baby. (aside) She's strangely cross to-day.

Plant. (producing it blandly—Bus.—bag C. table) And I have consumed the midnight oil to complete it.

(He hands it to her, over back of sofa, she pitches it into the fire—he tries to snatch it out.)

(hops away, rubbing his leg) I'm in a damned awkward corner. My dear Miss Sheppard, I fail to comprehend the meaning of your action. If ever there was a gentleman Sheppard it's your dear nephew.

Aunt. Tell that to the—the—milkman's baby. I could tell you a story of my nephew that would freeze your blood, (gesticulates with poker)

Plant. No, no, of course not—I beg pardon—(sees she is wearing Doctor's bath-towel dressing gown—-aside) By George! it looks like it, though! What has happened?

Plant. (R. C, aside) Ahem! I must make a bit out of this, anyway. My dear lady, I mustn't betray a professional confidence, by mentioning his name, (aside) Even if I knew it, which I don't, (to her) But, strictly between ourselves, he's Jack's greatest friend.

Plant. Yes, (at sofa) I mustn't say more, (aside) Don't know any more, (to her) You see, she's a client of mine—of course I shall try and save Jack from the Divorce Court, but it's gone rather far, and these things cost money, you know.

Plant. Only this afternoon I found her concealed on that couch—beneath that very rug you're now wearing—

—and; when I remonstrated with Jack—as a father—(end of sofa) he actually tried to pass her off as an Anatomical model.

Aunt. (at table, back to fire) Then, why do you call him a 'Gentle Sheppard?' Every word you say only makes it worse.

Aunt. Bad as he is, I shall do my duty by him—I'm going to find him a wife.

Aunt. I shall settle an income on her—she'll take better care of it. (crosses to sofa)

Plant (aside) It's all on again, (to her, crosses to table C.) A noble resolve, (gets out pocket-book) Shall I take your instructions now? How much shall I say?

Aunt. Not yet. (crosses C.) I want you to send your daughters to me. (crosses to sofa, puts sofa cushions behind her head. Only the Doctor's cap is visible to anyone entering room)

Plant. With pleasure! (aside, putting up pocketbook) I've done the trick, (to her) Two dear girls, who have never caused me a moment's uneasiness all their blameless lives.

Mrs. O'H. Now, then, Doctor. me an' my friends are all waitin' upstairs to 'ear the funny story.

Aunt. (aside) The Lady and the Water Cure? That's me. (jumping up) I forbid Doctor Sheppard to tell that story!

Mrs. O'H. (seeing her for the first time) And who are you when you're at home? I took you for the doctor. 'Ow dare you come to my 'ouse, dressed in that indecent way? (crosses C.) We're respectable in Marmalade Street—I'm ashamed of my lodger for lettin' you in—'e just shall tell that story now, or pay 'is rint.

Aunt. (alone C.) Actually going to make fun of me before a lot of vulgar people to get out of paying his, rent, is there anything he won't do? (sits in grand-father's chair)

Andrew. (seeing Aunt's cap, mistakes her for the Doctor) I say, Dull Boy, where is she? Still in the bath? (roars)

(aside, Bus. fills pipe, etc.) He's got the hump! Poor Jack! I say, I'm awfully sorry I've got you into such a deuce of a scrape, but you know you distinctly said the old lady wasn't coming till to-morrow.

Andrew. And to-night we said we'd have one jolly good caper for the last. Now, did we say so, or did we not? (pause) You won't speak to me? Well, I dare-say I deserve it, and I'm awfully sorry, but you know if I'd had the slightest notion she'd turn up to-day, I'd never have dressed up like that picture.

Andrew. But, by George, it was a lark when the old girl came, and you thought she was me dressed up—and you—oh, lor! (laughs)

Andrew. (up stage) Oh, don't be so beastly serious, there's no harm done. I'll put matters right with your aunt—you say she's an awfully good sort, and a sailor can always get the soft side of a lady—so come! Give us your hand and say you forgive.

Andrew. I didn't mean you—I always say that—I mean—I'm most awfully sorry—can you forgive me? (end of sofa)

Aunt. I can and do, because I'm so delighted to find that I've misjudged Jack, and that you were the real culprit. Pray tell me to whom I am indebted for the unexpected pleasure of my bath?

Aunt. What shall I do? I have it. (crosses to bathroom) I've a great surprise for you—but you must not think any the worse of her—she's here with me—(opens bathroom door) Come in, my dear.

Andrew. Does he? Well, Ruby's engaged to me, and Pearl—well, don't worry about her, and as for dear old Jack, he's only cared for one girl all his life. I've never seen her yet—but he's told me more than once that her name was Flora Garden.

(Andrew crosses r. of table. Enter Aurora dressed very grandly and eccentrically, orange blossoms in her hair and wearing her diamond paste combs—she carries a bundle of clothes.)

Aurora. (to Aunt, affectionately) 'Ere you are, mum, 'ere's your clothes—auntie! (hands clothes to Aunt)

(calls after her) 'Ere, they won't fit you! 'Ow can I thank you? You done it all, mum. The dear doctor's never give me the slightest encouragement of a word or a look.

Aurora. No, mum. It was all a one side, and I should never 'ave 'ooked him if you 'adn't said the word.

Aunt. I breathe again, (aside) Jack's a perfect angel, (to Aurora) I'll see you again, my good girl, before I go.

Aurora. I 'ope we shall see you h'often when were married. You'll always be welcome. She don't know what she's done for 'im. (at sofa side)

Andrew. I think it's about time I met my future father-in-law—I shall have two or three things to say to him.

(Aurora sits on couch and puts her feet up. Andrew sits in Doctor's chair. Enter Waverly, shown in by Tupper.)

Waverly. Where's Doctor Sheppard? (L. C.) Andrew. Out. I'm waiting to tell him the good news—I say, such a lark!

(Enter Doctor R. I. E., sees Aurora on sofa, and rushes off again, yowling.)

Andrew. (to Waverly, neither having seen Aurora on sofa) Has he got 'em? Come on, we must tell him the good news.

Aurora. (alone, fondly) My love! Ain't he coy? I like a bashful lover. It's so gentlemanly, (sits at writing-table)

Tupper. Please, sir—(sees Aurora. laughs) Well, you do look a guy! 'Oiler, boys, 'oiler, 'ere's another guy!

Aurora. You don't know who you're talking to. I shall be your missus soon—I'm going to marry the dear doctor!

Aurora. Ah, you ain't the only one as'll cry when they 'ear the news. There's the butcher and the baker and my cousin, in the h'E division, he'll bust! Poor little Tupper, don't cry. Look 'ere, you shall come and kiss me in the vestry, after it's all over—that's more than I'll let the butcher do. Buck up, it'll soon be over—

Tupper (drying eyes) Oh, I forgot, there's a servant come from Grosvenor Road.

Tupper. All right! (aside) Oh, ain't she lovely! She looks like an 'eavenly h'angel, now I've lorst 'er for h'ever!

Aurora. (picks up letter) I'll see to her case myself. It wants a woman in the case. (Bus.) I'll work this business different when I'm boss. I'll get 'im a lot of patients.

What! Back again! These visits'll 'ave to be paid for. We don't give nothing away heah! (writes on scribbling block) To three consul'ations in one day at a pound a time—and there's three of yer, three three's—that's eleven—kindly part up! (knocks on table)

Plant. My good girl, this is not a professional visit We've come to see Miss Sheppard.

Aurora. (with dignity, sitting at writing table) Well, you can't. Auntie's changing 'er clothes—'as she told yer the news?

Aurora. (haughtily) A mere trifle! There's goin' to be a weddin' from 'ere very soon.

Plant. (to Ruby and Pearl. rubbing his hands, ready to take Ruby and Pearl over R.) What did I tell you?

Plant. (to girls) I told you Miss Sheppard wanted to see you both, (takes girls R. corner) She's going to choose between you.

Aurora. (putting her hair back) Thank goodness, I shan't be at this low game much longer!

Mrs. O'H. 'Ow dare you dress grander than your missus? Take 'em off, at once, and put on yer cap, then get along h'upstairs and wait on my lady friends. (slaps her shoulder)

Aurora. (aside) Oh, when I 'ave servants of my own, won't I give 'em O'Hara!

Plant. Yes, there is time, just time. My dear Jack, there's not a moment to lose, (takes him to fireplace) The Old girl has cut you off without a penny.

Plant. No, sir, either of 'em. You've only to choose and your aunt will forgive you everything—I've arranged it all! Which is it to be? Quick—your answer!

Plant. (seeing Waverly and Andrew for the first time) What the devil's up now? Those dear girls have never given me a moment's peace in all their blessed lives!

Pearl. (comes down) Papa, see what Mr. Vane's given me. (shows him Pearl necklace) Precious Pearls! Isn't that appropriate? I think Mr. Vane has something to say to you. (pushes him forward)

Plant. (pockets necklace) No man shall rob me of my precious jewel, (hugs Pearl) whoever he is. (aside to Pearl) who is he? (passes her over to R.)

Plant. (aside) An earl! (to Waverly, putting out his hand) My dear sir, forgive me—a father's feelings—(sobs) You must give me time——

Plant. (taking Ruby in his other arm, and hugging the two girls closely) Another thief—after my precious Jewels! (aside to Ruby) Has he got any money?

Plant. (aside) Good! (aloud) You're breaking my heart, gentlemen, but I mustn't be selfish. Take my precious jewels—and wear them! I wonder if it would run to a dinner? (counts his money) No! a lunch! Come to lunch to-morrow, both of you.

(Enter Aurora. Doctor sees her, and ducks behind curtains C. hiding from her; she crosses to door R. I. E., and taps gently—no answer.)

Plant. (looking at Ruby and Pearl) Ah, two dear girls who have never caused me a moment's uneasiness all their blameless lives.

Aurora. Ho! then it's all to come, for they told me as their pa 'ad set 'is 'eart on their marrying the dear doctor.

Plant. How dare you! My daughters are Doctor Sheppard's cousins, and nothing would induce me to sanction a marriage between cousins, (going to her) You're a very naughty little girl.

Aurora. (haughtily, seating herself and spreading her frock out) Little girl! Pardon me, my good man—do you know who you're talking to? You don't know: my position in this 'ouse. I'm auntie's choice.

Let them laugh as wins. You tried your best, but I don't bear no h'ill-will. I said I'd struggle with yer, and I've done it. If you're good girls, I may ask you to be bridesmaids—it's better than nothing, (crosses L. C.)

Plant. (to Doctor under table) I say, Jack, is this true? You have my deepest sympathy—and if it should come to a breach of promise—look me up!

Doctor. (coming out) If ever I do look you and your precious jewels up, I'll bring a stick twice as big as yours.

Aunt. (to Doctor) This dear girl has told me all about you—forgive me for my mistakes, but they weren't all my fault—(shaking her finger at Andrew) I hope you'll have a very happy married life.

Aurora. (coming to her) Oh, thank you, mum, and would you please name the day?

Doctor. (absently) My wife! (sees Aurora. shakes her off) Oh, go to! go to—(goes to Flora) This lady is my wife—we were married this morning.

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The Project Gutenberg eBook of Oh! Susannah!

OH! SUSANNAH!

By Mark Ambient

Contents

OH! SUSANNAH!

ACT I.

ACT II.

Scene.—Same as Act I. No time elapses.

ACT III.

Scene.—The same as Acts I and II.

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE