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Title: Mr. Dooley Says

Author: Finley Peter Dunne

Release date: January 13, 2005 [eBook #14684]
                Most recently updated: December 19, 2020

Language: English

Credits: Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Stephanie Bailey, David King, and the
        PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MR. DOOLEY SAYS ***




Produced by Juliet Sutherland, Stephanie Bailey, David King, and the
PG Online Distributed Proofreading Team











Mr. DOOLEY SAYS



BY THE AUTHOR OF "MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE AND IN WAR,"
"MR. DOOLEY IN THE HEARTS OF HIS COUNTRYMEN", ETC.



NEW YORK, CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS




CONTENTS

                                     PAGE
DIVORCE                               1

GLORY                                14

WOMAN SUFFRAGE                       25

THE BACHELOR TAX                     40

THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT RACES      50

PANICS                               67

OCEAN TRAVEL                         78

WORK                                 89

DRUGS                               100

A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP                 106

THE ARMY CANTEEN                    110

THINGS SPIRITUAL                    123

BOOKS                               134

THE TARIFF                          144

THE BIG FINE                        158

EXPERT TESTIMONY                    168

THE CALL OF THE WILD                180

THE JAPANESE SCARE                  193

THE HAGUE CONFERENCE                204

TURKISH POLITICS                    214

VACATIONS                           227




Mr. DOOLEY SAYS




DIVORCE


"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see they've been holdin' a Divoorce
Congress."

"What's that?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Ye wudden't know," said Mr. Dooley. "Divoorce is th' on'y luxury
supplied be th' law that we don't injye in Ar-rchey Road. Up here whin a
marrid couple get to th' pint where 'tis impossible f'r thim to go on
livin' together they go on livin' together. They feel that way some
mornin' in ivry month, but th' next day finds thim still glarin' at each
other over th' ham an' eggs. No wife iver laves her husband while he has
th' breath iv life in him, an' anny gintleman that took a thrip to Reno
in ordher to saw off th' housekeepin' expinses on a rash successor wud
find throuble ready f'r him whin he come back to Ar-rchey Road. No,
sir, whin our people grab hands at th' altar, they're hooked up f'river.
There's on'y wan decree iv divoorce that th' neighbors will recognize,
an' that's th' wan that entitles ye to ride just behind th' pall
bearers. That's why I'm a batch. 'Tis th' fine skylark iv a timprary
husband I'd make, bringin' home a new wife ivry Foorth iv July an'
dischargin' th' old wan without a charackter. But th' customs iv th'
neighbors are agin it.

"But 'tis diff'rent with others, Hinnissy. Down be Mitchigan Avnoo
marredge is no more bindin' thin a dhream. A short marrid life an' an
onhappy wan is their motto. Off with th' old love an' on with th' new
an' off with that. 'Till death us do part,' says th' preacher. 'Or th'
jury,' whispers th' blushin' bride.

"Th' Divoorce Congress, Hinnissy, that I'm tellin' ye about was
assembled to make th' divoorce laws iv all th' States th' same. It's a
tur-rble scandal as it is now. A man shakes his wife in wan State on'y
to be grabbed be her an' led home th' minyit he crosses th' border.
There's no safety f'r anny wan. In some places it's almost impossible
f'r a man to get rid iv his fam'ly onless he has a good raison. There's
no regularity at all about it. In Kentucky baldness is grounds f'r
divoorce; in Ohio th' inclemency iv th' weather. In Illinye a woman can
be freed fr'm th' gallin' bonds iv mathrimony because her husband wears
Congress gaiters; in Wisconsin th' old man can get his maiden name back
because his wife tells fortunes in th' taycup.

"In Nebrasky th' shackles ar-re busted because father forgot to wipe his
boots; in New York because mother knows a Judge in South Dakota. Ye can
be divoorced f'r annything if ye know where to lodge th' complaint.
Among th' grounds ar-re snorin', deefness, because wan iv th' parties
dhrinks an' th' other doesn't, because wan don't dhrink an' th' other
does, because they both dhrink, because th' wife is addicted to sick
headaches, because he asked her what she did with that last $10 he give
her, because he knows some wan else, because she injyes th' society iv
th' young, because he f'rgot to wind th' clock. A husband can get a
divoorce because he has more money thin he had; a wife because he has
less. Ye can always get a divoorce f'r what Hogan calls incompatibility
iv temper. That's whin husband an' wife ar-re both cross at th' same
time. Ye'd call it a tiff in ye'er fam'ly, Hinnissy.

"But, mind ye, none iv these raisons go in anny two States. A man that
wants to be properly divoorced will have to start out an' do a tour iv
our gr-reat Republic, an' be th' time he's thurly released he may want
to do it all over agin with th' second choice iv his wild, glad heart.

"It wud be a grand thing if it cud be straightened out. Th' laws ought
to be th' same ivrywhere. In anny part iv this fair land iv ours it shud
be th' right iv anny man to get a divoorce, with alimony, simply be
goin' befure a Justice iv th' Peace an' makin' an affydavit that th'
lady's face had grown too bleak f'r his taste. Be Hivens, I'd go
farther. Rather than have people endure this sarvichood I'd let anny
man escape be jumpin' th' conthract. All he'd have to do if I was
r-runnin' this Governmint wud be to put some clothes in th' grip, write
a note to his wife that afther thinkin' it over f'r forty years he had
made up his mind that his warm nature was not suited to marredge with
th' mother iv so manny iv his childher, an' go out to return no more.

"I don't know much about marrid life, except what ye tell me an' what I
r-read in th' pa-apers. But it must be sad. All over this land onhappily
mated couples ar-re sufferin' almost as much as if they had a sliver in
their thumb or a slight headache. Th' sorrows iv these people ar-re
beyond belief. I say, Hinnissy, it is th' jooty iv th' law to marcifully
release thim.

"Ye take th' case iv me frind fr'm Mud Center that I was readin' about
th' other day. There was a martyr f'r ye. Poor fellow! Me eyes filled
with tears thinkin' about him. Whin a young man he marrid. He was a
fireman in thim days, an' th' objict iv his etarnal affection was th'
daughter iv th' most popylar saloon keeper in town. A gr-reat socyal
gulf opened between thim. He had fine prospects iv ivinchooly bein'
promoted to two-fifty a day, but she was heiress to a cellar full iv
Monongahela rye an' a pool table, an' her parents objicted, because iv
th' diffrence in their positions. But love such as his is not to be
denied. Th' bold suitor won. Together they eloped an' were marrid.

"F'r a short time all wint well. They lived together happily f'r twinty
years an' raised wan iv th' popylous fam'lies iv people who expect to be
supported in their old days. Th' impechuse lover, spurred on be th'
desire to make good with his queen, slugged, cheated, an' wurruked his
way to th' head iv th' railroad. He was no longer Greasy Bill, th' Oil
Can, but Hinnery Aitch Bliggens, th' Prince iv Industhree. All th'
diff'rent kinds iv money he iver heerd iv rolled into him, large money
an' small, other people's money, money he'd labored f'r an' money he'd
wished f'r. Whin he set in his office countin' it he often left a call
f'r six o'clock f'r fear he might be dhreamin' an' not get to th'
roundhouse on time.

"But, bein' an American citizen, he soon felt as sure iv himsilf as
though he'd got it all in th' Probate Coort, an' th' arly Spring saw him
on a private car speedin' to New York, th' home iv Mirth. He was
received with open ar-rms be ivry wan in that gr-reat city that knew the
combynation iv a safe. He was taken f'r yacht rides be his fellow Kings
iv Fi-nance. He was th' principal guest iv honor at a modest but
tasteful dinner, where there was a large artificyal lake iv champagne
into which th' comp'ny cud dive. In th' on'y part iv New York ye iver
read about--ar-re there no churches or homes in New York, but on'y
hotels, night resthrants, an' poolrooms?--in th' on'y part iv New York
ye read about he cud be seen anny night sittin' where th' lights cud
fall on his bald but youthful head.

"An' how was it all this time in dear old Mud Center? It is painful to
say that th' lady to whom our frind was tied f'r life had not kept pace
with him. She had taught him to r-read, but he had gone on an' taken
what Hogan calls th' postgrajate coorse. Women get all their book
larnin' befure marredge, men afther. She'd been pretty active about th'
childher while he was pickin' up more iddycation in th' way iv business
thin she'd iver dhream iv knowin'. She had th' latest news about th'
throuble in th' Methodist Church, but he had a private wire into his
office.

"A life spint in nourishin' th' young, Hinnissy, while fine to read
about, isn't anny kind iv a beauty restorer, an' I've got to tell ye
that th' lady prob'bly looked diff'rent fr'm th' gazelle he use to
whistle three times f'r whin he wint by on Number Iliven. It's no aisy
thing to rock th' cradle with wan hand an' ondylate th' hair with
another. Be th' time he was gettin' into th' upper classes in New York
she was slowin' down aven f'r Mud Center. Their tastes was decidedly
dissimilar, says th' pa-aper. Time was whin he carrid th' wash pitcher
down to th' corner f'r a quart iv malt, while she dandled th' baby an'
fried th' round steak at th' same time. That day was past. She hadn't
got to th' pint where she cud dhrink champagne an' keep it out iv her
nose. Th' passin' years had impaired all possible foundations f'r a new
crop iv hair. Sometimes conversation lagged.

"Mud Center is a long way fr'm th' Casino. Th' last successful
exthravaganza that th' lady had seen was a lecture be Jawn B. Gough. She
got her Eyetalian opry out iv a music box. What was there f'r this joynt
intelleck an' this household tyrant to talk about? No wondher he pined.
Think iv this Light iv th' Tendherloin bein' compelled to set down ivry
month or two an' chat about a new tooth that Hiven had just sint to a
fam'ly up th' sthreet! Nor was that all. She give him no rest. Time an'
time again she asked him was he comin' home that night. She tortured his
proud spirit be recallin' th' time whin she used to flag him fr'm th'
window iv th' room where Papa had locked her in. She aven wint so far
as to dhraw on him th' last cow'rdly weapon iv brutal wives--their
tears. One time she thravelled to New York an' wan iv his frinds seen
her. Oh, it was crool, crool. Hinnissy, tell me, wud ye condim this
gr-reat man to such a slavery just because he'd made a rash promise whin
he didn't have a cent in th' wurruld? Th' law said no. Whin th' Gr-reat
Fi-nanceer cud stand it no longer he called upon th' Judge to sthrike
off th' chains an' make him a free man. He got a divoorce.

"I dare ye to come down to my house an' say thim things," said Mr.
Hennessy.

"Oh, I know ye don't agree with me," said Mr. Dooley. "Nayether does th'
parish priest. He's got it into his head that whin a man's marrid he's
marrid, an' that's all there is to it. He puts his hand in th' grab-bag
an' pulls out a blank an' he don't get his money back.

"'Ill-mated couples?' says he. 'Ill-mated couples? What ar-re ye talkin'
about? Ar-re there anny other kinds? Ar-re there anny two people in th'
wurruld that ar-re perfectly mated?' he says. 'Was there iver a
frindship that was annything more thin a kind iv suspension bridge
between quarrels?' he says. 'In ivry branch iv life,' says he, 'we leap
fr'm scrap to scrap,' he says. 'I'm wan iv th' best-timpered men in th'
wurruld, am I not? ('Ye are not,' says I.) I'm wan iv th' kindest iv
mortals,' he says, 'but put me in th' same house with Saint Jerome,' he
says, 'an' there'd be at laste wan day in th' month whin I'd answer his
last wurrd be slammin' th' dure behind me,' he says. 'Man is nachrally a
fightin' an quarrelin' animal with his wife. Th' soft answer don't
always turn away wrath. Sometimes it makes it worse,' he says. 'Th'
throuble about divoorce is it always lets out iv th' bad bargain th' wan
that made it bad. If I owned a half in a payin' business with ye, I'd
niver let th' sun go down on a quarrel,' he says. 'But if ye had a bad
mouth I'd go into coort an' wriggle out iv th' partnership because ye'ar
a cantankerous old villain that no wan cud get on with,' he says. 'If
people knew they cudden't get away fr'm each other they'd settle down to
life, just as I detarmined to like coal smoke whin I found th'
collection wasn't big enough to put a new chimbley in th' parish house.
I've acchally got to like it,' he says. 'There ain't anny condition iv
human life that's not endurable if ye make up ye'er mind that ye've got
to endure it,' he says. 'Th' throuble with the rich,' he says, 'is this,
that whin a rich man has a perfectly nachral scrap with his beloved over
breakfast, she stays at home an' does nawthin' but think about it, an'
he goes out an' does nawthin but think about it, an' that afthernoon
they're in their lawyers' office,' he says. 'But whin a poor gintleman
an' a poor lady fall out, the poor lady puts all her anger into rubbin'
th' zinc off th' wash-boord an' th' poor gintleman aises his be
murdhrin' a slag pile with a shovel, an' be th' time night comes
ar-round he says to himself: Well, I've got to go home annyhow, an'
it's no use I shud be onhappy because I'm misjudged, an' he puts a
pound iv candy into his coat pocket an' goes home an' finds her
standin' at th' dure with a white apron on an' some new ruching ar-round
her neck,' he says.

"An' there ye ar-re. Two opinions."

"I see on'y wan," said Mr. Hennessy. "What do ye raaly think?"

"I think," said Mr. Dooley, "if people wanted to be divoorced I'd let
thim, but I'd give th' parents into th' custody iv th' childher. They'd
larn thim to behave."




GLORY


"Hogan has been in here this afthernoon, an' I've heerd more scandal
talked thin I iver thought was in the wurrld."

"Hogan had betther keep quiet," said Mr. Hennessy. "If he goes
circulatin' anny stories about me I'll--"

"Ye needn't worry," said Mr. Dooley. "We didn't condiscend to talk about
annywan iv ye'er infeeryor station. If ye want to be th' subjick iv our
scand'lous discoorse ye'd betther go out an' make a repytation. No, sir,
our talk was entirely about th' gr-reat an' illusthrees an' it ran all
th' way fr'm Julius Cayzar to Ulysses Grant.

"Dear, oh dear, but they were th' bad lot. Thank th' Lord nobody knows
about me. Thank th' Lord I had th' good sinse to retire f'rm pollyticks
whin me repytation had spread as far as Halsted Sthreet. If I'd let it
go a block farther I'd've been sorry f'r it th' rest iv me life an' some
years afther me death.

"I wanted to be famous in thim days, whin I was young an' foolish. 'Twas
th' dhream iv me life to have people say as I wint by: 'There goes
Dooley, th' gr-reatest statesman iv his age,' an' have thim name babies,
sthreets, schools, canal boats, an' five-cent seegars afther me, an'
whin I died to have it put in th' books that 'at this critical peeryod
in th' history of America there was need iv a man who combined strenth
iv charackter with love iv counthry. Such a man was found in Martin
Dooley, a prom'nent retail liquor dealer in Ar-rchey Road.'

"That's what I wanted, an' I'm glad I didn't get me wish. If I had, 'tis
little attintion to me charackter that th' books iv what Hogan calls
bi-ography wud pay, but a good deal to me debts. Though they mintioned
th' fact that I resked death f'r me adopted fatherland, they'd make th'
more intherestin' story about th' time I almost met it be fallin' down
stairs while runnin' away fr'm a polisman. F'r wan page they'd print
about me love iv counthry, they'd print fifty about me love iv dhrink.

"Th' things thim gr-reat men done wud give thim a place in Byrnes's
book. If Julius Caysar was alive to-day he'd be doin' a lockstep down in
Joliet. He was a corner loafer in his youth an' a robber in his old age.
He busted into churches, fooled ar-round with other men's wives, curled
his hair with a poker an' smelled iv perfumery like a Saturday night
car. An' his wife was a suspicyous charackter an' he turned her away.

"Napolyon Bonypart, impror iv th' Fr-rinch, was far too gay aven f'r
thim friv'lous people, an' had fits. His first wife was no betther than
she shud be, an' his second wife didn't care f'r him. Willum Shakespeare
is well known as an author of plays that no wan can play, but he was
betther known as a two-handed dhrinker, a bad actor, an' a thief. His
wife was a common scold an' led him th' life he desarved. They niver
leave th' ladies out iv these stories iv th' gr-reat. A woman that
marries a janius has a fine chance iv her false hair becomin' more
immortal thin his gr-reatest deed. It don't make anny difference if all
she knew about her marital hero was that he was a consistent feeder, a
sleepy husband, an' indulgent to his childher an' sometimes to himsilf,
an' that she had to darn his socks. Nearly all th' gr-reat men had
something th' matther with their wives. I always thought Mrs. Wash'nton,
who was th' wife iv th' father iv our counthry, though childless
hersilf, was about right. She looks good in th' pitchers, with a shawl
ar-round her neck an' a frilled night-cap on her head. But Hogan says
she had a tongue sharper thin George's soord, she insulted all his
frinds, an' she was much older thin him. As f'r George, he was a case. I
wish th' counthry had got itsilf a diff'rent father. A gr-reat moral
rellijous counthry like this desarves a betther parent.

"They were all alike. I think iv Bobby Burns as a man that wrote good
songs, aven if they were in a bar'brous accint, but Hogan thinks iv him
as havin' a load all th' time an' bein' th' scandal iv his parish. I
remimber Andhrew Jackson as th' man that licked th' British at Noo
Orleans be throwin' cotton bales at thim, but Hogan remimbers him as a
man that cudden't spell an' had a wife who smoked a corncob pipe. I
remimber Abraham Lincoln f'r freein' th' slaves, but Hogan remimbers how
he used to cut loose yarns that made th' bartinder shake th' stove
harder thin it needed. I remimber Grant f'r what he done ar-round Shiloh
whin he was young, but Hogan remimbers him f'r what he done arr-ound New
York whin he was old.

"An' so it goes. Whin a lad with nawthin' else to do starts out to write
a bi-ography about a gr-reat man, he don't go to th' war departmint or
th' public library. No, sir, he begins to search th' bureau dhrawers,
old pigeon-holes, th' records iv th' polis coort, an' th' recollections
iv th' hired girl. He likes letters betther thin annything else. He
don't care much f'r th' kind beginning: 'Dear wife, I'm settin' in
front iv th' camp fire wearin' th' flannel chest protector ye made me,
an' dhreamin' iv ye,' but if he can find wan beginnin': 'Little Bright
Eyes: Th' old woman has gone to th' counthry,' he's th' happiest
bi-ographer ye cud see in a month's thravel.

"Hogan had wan iv thim books in here th' other day. 'Twas written by a
frind, so ye can see it wasn't prejudiced wan way or another. 'At this
time,' says the book, 'an ivint happened that was destined to change th'
whole coorse iv our hero's life. Wan day, while in a sthreet car, where
he lay dozin' fr'm dhrink, he awoke to see a beautiful woman thryin' to
find a nickel in a powder puff. Th' brutal conductor towered over her,
an' it was more thin th' Gin'ral cud bear. Risin' to his feet, with an
oath, he pulled th' rope iv th' fare register an' fell off th' car.

"Th' incident made a deep impression on th' Gin'ral. I have no doubt he
often thought iv his beautiful Madonna iv th' throlly, although he
niver said so. But wan night as he staggered out iv th' dinin'-room at
th' German Ambassadure's, who shud he run acrost but th' fair vision iv
th' surface line. She curtsied low an' picked him up, an' there began a
frindship so full iv sorrow an' happiness to both iv thim. He seldom
mintioned her, but wan night he was heard to mutter: 'Her face is like
wan iv Rembrand's saints.' A few historyans contind that what he said
was: 'Her face looks like a remnant sale,' but I cannot believe this.

"They exchanged brilliant letters fr manny years, in fact ontil th'
enchanthress was locked up in an insane asylum. I have not been able to
find anny iv his letters, but her's fell into th' hands iv wan iv his
faithful servants, who presarved an' published thim. (Love an' Letters
iv Gin'ral Dhreadnaught an' Alfaretta Agonized; Stolen, Collected an'
Edited be James Snooper.) * * * Next year was mim'rable f'r his gloryous
victhry at Punkheim, all th' more wondherful because at th' time our
hero was sufferin' fr'm deleeryyum thremens.

"It shows th' fortitude iv th' Gin'ral an' that he was as gr-reat a
liar as I have indicated in th' precedin' pages, that with th' cheers iv
his sojers ringin' in his ears, he cud still write home to his wife:
'Ol' girl--I can't find annything fit to dhrink down here. Can't ye sind
me some cider fr'm th' farm.' * * * In 1865 he was accused iv
embezzlemint, but th' charges niver reached his ears or th' public's
ontil eight years afther his death. * * * In 67' his foster brother,
that he had neglected in Kansas City, slipped on his ballroom flure an'
broke his leg. * * * In '70 his wife died afther torturin' him f'r fifty
years. They were a singularly badly mated couple, with a fam'ly iv
fourteen childher, but he did not live long to enjoy his happiness. F'r
some reason he niver left his house, but passed away within a month, one
of th' gr-reatest men th' cinchry has projooced. For further details iv
th' wrong things he done see th' notes at th' end iv th' volume.' It
seems to me, Hinnissy, that this here thing called bi-ography is a kind
iv an offset f'r histhry. Histhry lies on wan side, an' bi-ography comes
along an' makes it rowl over an' lie on th' other side. Th' historyan
says, go up; th' bi-ographer says, come down among us. I don't believe
ayether iv thim.

"I was talkin' with Father Kelly about it afther Hogan wint out. 'Were
they all so bad, thim men that I've been brought up to think so
gloryous?' says I. 'They were men,' says Father Kelly. 'Ye mustn't
believe all ye hear about thim, no matther who says it,' says he. 'It's
a thrait iv human nature to pull down th' gr-reat an' sthrong. Th' hero
sthruts through histhry with his chin up in th' air, his scipter in his
hand an' his crown on his head. But behind him dances a boot-black
imitatin' his walk an' makin' faces at him. Fame invites a man out iv
his house to be crowned f'r his gloryous deeds, an' sarves him with a
warrant f'r batin' his wife. 'Tis not in th' nature iv things that it
shudden't be so. We'd all perish iv humilyation if th' gr-reat men iv
th' wurruld didn't have nachral low-down thraits. If they don't happen
to possess thim, we make some up f'r thim. We allow no man to tower over
us. Wan way or another we level th' wurruld to our own height. If we
can't reach th' hero's head we cut off his legs. It always makes me feel
aisier about mesilf whin I r-read how bad Julius Cayzar was. An' it
stimylates compytition. If gr-reatness an' goodness were hand in hand
'tis small chance anny iv us wud have iv seem' our pitchers in th'
pa-apers.'

"An' so it is that the battles ye win, th' pitchers ye paint, th' people
ye free, th' childher that disgrace ye, th' false step iv ye'er youth,
all go thundherin' down to immortality together. An' afther all, isn't
it a good thing? Th' on'y bi-ography I care about is th' one Mulligan
th' stone-cutter will chop out f'r me. I like Mulligan's style, f'r he's
no flatthrer, an' he has wan model iv bi-ography that he uses f'r old
an' young, rich an' poor. He merely writes something to th' gin'ral
effect that th' deceased was a wondher, an' lets it go at that."

"Which wud ye rather be, famous or rich?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"I'd like to be famous," said Mr. Dooley, "an' have money enough to buy
off all threatenin' bi-ographers."




WOMAN SUFFRAGE


"I see be th' pa-apers that th' ladies in England have got up in their
might an' demanded a vote."

"A what?" cried Mr. Hennessy.

"A vote," said Mr. Dooley.

"Th' shameless viragoes," said Mr. Hennessy. "What did they do?"

"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "an immense concoorse iv forty iv thim
gathered in London an' marched up to th' House iv Commons, or naytional
dormytory, where a loud an' almost universal snore proclaimed that a
debate was ragin' over th' bill to allow English gintlemen to marry
their deceased wife's sisters befure th' autopsy. In th' great hall iv
Rufus some iv th' mightiest male intellecks in Britain slept undher
their hats while an impassioned orator delivered a hem-stitched speech
on th' subject iv th' day to th' attintive knees an' feet iv th'
ministhry. It was into this here assimbly iv th' first gintlemen iv
Europe that ye see on ye'er way to France that th' furyous females
attimpted to enter. Undaunted be th' stairs iv th' building or th' rude
jeers iv th' multichood, they advanced to th' very outside dures iv th'
idifice. There an overwhelmin' force iv three polismen opposed thim.
'What d'ye want, mum?' asked the polls. 'We demand th' suffrage,' says
th' commander iv th' army iv freedom.

"The brutal polis refused to give it to thim an' a desp'rate battle
followed. Th' ladies fought gallantly, hurlin' cries iv 'Brute,'
'Monster,' 'Cheap,' et cethry, at th' constablry. Hat pins were dhrawn.
Wan lady let down her back hair; another, bolder thin th' rest, done a
fit on th' marble stairs; a third, p'raps rendered insane be sufferin'
f'r a vote, sthruck a burly ruffyan with a Japanese fan on th' little
finger iv th' right hand. Thin th' infuryated officers iv th' law
charged on th' champeens iv liberty. A scene iv horror followed.
Polismen seized ladies be th' arms and' led thim down th' stairs;
others were carried out fainting by th' tyrants. In a few minyits all
was over, an' nawthin' but three hundhred hairpins remained to mark th'
scene iv slaughter. Thus, Hinnissy, was another battle f'r freedom
fought an' lost."

"It sarves thim right," said Mr. Hennessy. "They ought to be at home
tindin' th' babies."

"A thrue statement an' a sound argymint that appeals to ivry man. P'raps
they havn't got any babies. A baby is a good substichoot f'r a ballot,
an' th' hand that rocks th' cradle sildom has time f'r anny other
luxuries. But why shud we give thim a vote, says I. What have they done
to injye this impeeryal suffrage that we fought an' bled f'r? Whin me
forefathers were followin' George Wash'nton an' sufferin' all th'
hardships that men endure campin' out in vacation time, what were th'
women doin'? They were back in Matsachoosetts milkin' th' cow, mendin'
socks, followin' th' plow, plantin' corn, keepin' store, shoein' horses,
an' pursooin' th' other frivvlous follies iv th' fair but fickle sect.
Afther th' war our brave fellows come back to Boston an' as a reward f'r
their devotion got a vote apiece, if their wives had kept th' Pilgrim
fathers that stayed at home fr'm foreclosin' th' morgedge on their
property. An' now, be hivens, they want to share with us what we won.

"Why, they wudden't know how to vote. They think it's an aisy job that
anny wan can do, but it ain't. It's a man's wurruk, an' a sthrong man's
with a sthrong stomach. I don't know annything that requires what Hogan
calls th' exercise iv manly vigor more thin votin'. It's th' hardest
wurruk I do in th' year. I get up befure daylight an' thramp over to th'
Timple iv Freedom, which is also th' office iv a livery stable. Wan iv
th' judges has a cold in his head an' closes all th' windows. Another
judge has built a roarin' fire in a round stove an' is cookin' red-hots
on it. Th' room is lit with candles an' karosene lamps, an' is crowded
with pathrites who haven't been to bed. At th' dure are two or three
polismen that maybe ye don't care to meet. Dock O'Leary says he don't
know annything that'll exhaust th' air iv a room so quick as a polisman
in his winter unyform. All th' pathrites an', as th' pa-apers call thim,
th' high-priests iv this here sacred rite, ar-re smokin' th' best
seegars that th' token money iv our counthry can buy.

"In th' pleasant warmth iv th' fire, th' harness on th' walls glows an'
puts out its own peculiar aromy. Th' owner iv th' sanchoo-ary iv Liberty
comes in, shakes up a bottle iv liniment made iv carbolic acid, pours it
into a cup an' goes out. Wan iv th' domestic attindants iv th' guests iv
th' house walks through fr'm makin' th' beds. Afther a while th' chief
judge, who knows me well, because he shaves me three times a week, gives
me a contimchous stare, asks me me name an' a number iv scand'lous
questions about me age.

"I'm timpted to make an angry retort, whin I see th' polisman movin'
nearer, so I take me ballot an' wait me turn in th' booth. They're all
occypied be writhin' freemen, callin' in sthrangled voices f'r somewan
to light th' candle so they'll be sure they ain't votin' th' prohybition
ticket. Th' calico sheets over th' front iv th' booths wave an' ar-re
pushed out like th' curtains iv a Pullman car whin a fat man is
dhressin' inside while th' thrain is goin' r-round a curve. In time a
freeman bursts through, with perspyration poorin' down his nose, hurls
his suffrage at th' judge an' staggers out. I plunge in, sharpen an inch
iv lead pencil be rendin' it with me teeth, mutilate me ballot at th'
top iv th' dimmycratic column, an' run f'r me life.

"Cud a lady do that, I ask ye? No, sir, 'tis no job f'r th' fair. It's
men's wurruk. Molly Donahue wants a vote, but though she cud bound
Kamachatka as aisily as ye cud this precint, she ain't qualified f'r it.
It's meant f'r gr-reat sturdy American pathrites like Mulkowsky th'
Pollacky down th' sthreet. He don't know yet that he ain't votin' f'r
th' King iv Poland. He thinks he's still over there pretindin' to be a
horse instead iv a free American givin' an imytation iv a steam dhredge.

"On th' first Choosday afther th' first Monday in November an' April a
man goes ar-round to his house, wakes him up, leads him down th'
sthreet, an' votes him th' way ye'd wather a horse. He don't mind
inhalin' th' air iv liberty in a livery stable. But if Molly Donahue
wint to vote in a livery stable, th' first thing she'd do wud be to get
a broom, sweep up th' flure, open th' windows, disinfect th' booths,
take th' harness fr'm th' walls, an' hang up a pitcher iv Niagary be
moonlight, chase out th' watchers an' polis, remove th' seegars, make
th' judges get a shave, an' p'raps invalydate th' iliction. It's no job
f'r her, an' I told her so.

"'We demand a vote,' says she. 'All right,' says I, 'take mine. It's
old, but it's trustworthy an' durable. It may look a little th' worse
f'r wear fr'm bein' hurled again a republican majority in this counthry
f'r forty years, but it's all right. Take my vote an' use it as ye
please,' says I, 'an' I'll get an hour or two exthry sleep iliction day
mornin',' says I. 'I've voted so often I'm tired iv it annyhow,' says I.
'But,' says I, 'why shud anny wan so young an' beautiful as ye want to
do annything so foolish as to vote?' says I. 'Ain't we intilligent
enough?' says she. 'Ye'ar too intilligent,' says I. 'But intilligence
don't give ye a vote.'

"'What does, thin,' says she. 'Well,' says I, 'enough iv ye at wan time
wantin' it enough. How many ladies ar-re there in ye'er Woman's Rights
Club?' 'Twinty,' says she. 'Make it three hundher,' says I, 'an' ye'll
be on ye'er way. Ye'er mother doesn't want it, does she? No, nor ye'er
sister Katie? No, nor ye'er cousin, nor ye'er aunt? All that iliction
day means to thim is th' old man goin' off in th' mornin' with a light
step an' fire in his eye, an' comin' home too late at night with a dent
in his hat, news-boys hollerin' exthries with th' news that fifty-four
votes had been cast in th' third precint in th' sivinth ward at 8
o'clock, an' Packy an' Aloysius stealin' bar'ls fr'm th' groceryman f'r
th' bone-fire. If they iver join ye an' make up their minds to vote,
they'll vote. Ye bet they will.'

"'Ye see, 'twas this way votin' come about. In th' beginnin' on'y th'
king had a vote, an' ivrybody else was a Chinyman or an Indyan. Th' king
clapped his crown on his head an' wint down to th' polls, marked a cross
at th' head iv th' column where his name was, an' wint out to cheer th'
returns. Thin th' jooks got sthrong, an' says they: Votin' seems a
healthy exercise an' we'd like to thry it. Give us th' franchise or
we'll do things to ye. An' they got it. Thin it wint down through th'
earls an' th' markises an' th' rest iv th' Dooley fam'ly, till fin'lly
all that was left iv it was flung to th' ign'rant masses like Hinnissy,
because they made a lot iv noise an' threatened to set fire to th'
barns.'

"'An' there ye ar-re. Ye'll niver get it be askin' th' polis f'r it. No
wan iver got his rights fr'm a polisman, an' be th' same token, there
ar-re no rights worth havin' that a polisman can keep ye fr'm gettin'.
Th' ladies iv London ar-re followin' the right coorse, on'y there ain't
enough iv thim. If there were forty thousand iv thim ar-rmed with hat
pins an' prepared to plunge th' same into th' stomachs iv th' inimies iv
female suffrage, an' if, instead iv faintin' in th' ar-rms iv th'
constablry, they charged an' punctured thim an' broke their way into th'
House iv Commons, an' pulled th' wig off the speaker, an' knocked th'
hat over th' eyes iv th' prime ministher it wudden't be long befure some
mimber wud talk in his sleep in their favor. Ye bet! If ye'er suffrage
club was composed iv a hundhred thousand sturdy ladies it wudden't be
long befure Bill O'Brien wud be sindin' ye a box iv chocolate creams f'r
ye'er vote.'

"'Some day ye may get a vote, but befure ye do I'll r-read this in th'
pa-apers: A hundhred thousand armed an' detarmined women invaded th'
capital city to-day demandin' th' right to vote. They chased th' polis
acrost th' Pottymac, mobbed a newspaper that was agin th' bill, an'
tarred an' feathered Sinitor Glue, th' leader iv th' opposition. At 10
o'clock a rumor spread that th' Prisident wud veto th' bill, an'
instantly a huge crowd iv excited females gathered in front of the White
House, hurlin' rocks an' cryin' 'Lynch him!' Th' tumult was on'y quelled
whin th' Prisident's wife appeared on th' balcony an' made a brief
speech. She said she was a mimber iv th' local suffrage club, an' she
felt safe in assuring her sisters that th' bill wud be signed. If
nicissry, she wud sign it hersilf. (Cheers.) Th' Prisident was a little
onruly, but he was frequently that way. Th' marrid ladies in th'
aujeence wud undherstand. He meant nawthin'. It was on'y wan iv his
tantrums. A little moral suasion wud bring him ar-round all right. At
prisint th' Chief Magistrate was in th' kitchen with his daughter
settin' on his head.

"'Th' speech was received with loud cheers, an' th' mob proceeded down
Pinnslyvanya Avnoo. Be noon all enthrances to th' capital were jammed.
Congressmen attimptin' to enter were seized be th' hair iv th' head an'
made to sign a pa-aper promisin' to vote right. Immejately afther th'
prayer th' Hon'rable Clarence Gumdhrop iv Matsachoosetts offered th'
suffrage bill f'r passage. 'Th' motion is out iv ordher,' began th'
Speaker. At this minyit a lady standin' behind th' chair dhrove a
darning needle through his coat tails. 'But,' continued th' Speaker,
reachin' behind him with an agnized ex'pression, 'I will let it go
annyhow.' 'Mr. Speaker, I protest,' began th' Hon'rable Attila Sthrong,
'I protest--' At this a perfeck tornado iv rage broke out in th'
gall'ries. Inkwells, bricks, combs, shoes, smellin' bottles, hand
mirrors, fans, an' powdher puffs were hurled at th' onforchnit mimber.
In the midst iv th' confusion th' wife iv Congressman Sthrong cud be
seen wavin' a par'sol over her head an' callin' out: 'I dare ye to come
home to-night, polthroon.'

"'Whin th' noise partially subsided, th' bold Congressman, his face
livid with emotion, was heard to remark with a sob: 'I was on'y about to
say I second th' motion, deary.' Th' bill was carried without a
dissintin' voice, an' rushed over to th' Sinit. There it was opposed be
Jeff Davis but afther a brief dialogue with th' leader iv th'
suffrageites, he swooned away. Th' Sinit fin'lly insthructed th' clerk
to cast th' unanimous vote f'r th' measure. To-night in th' prisince iv
a vast multichood th' Prisident was led out be his wife. He was
supported, or rather pushed, be two iv his burly daughters. He seemed
much confused, an' his wife had to point out th' place where he was to
sign. With tremblin' fingers he affixed his signature an' was led back.

"'The night passed quietly. Th' sthreets were crowded all avenin' with
good-natured throngs iv ladies, an' in front iv th' dry goods stores,
which were illuminated f'r th' occasion, it was almost impossible to get
through. Iv coorse there were th' usual riochous scenes in th' dhrug
stores, where th' bibulous gathered at th' sody-wather counthers an'
cillybrated th' victory in lemon, vanilla, an' choc'late, some iv thim
keepin' it up till 9 o'clock, or aven later.' 'Whin that comes about,
me child,' says I, 'ye may sheathe ye'er hat pins in ye'er millinary,
f'r ye'll have as much right to vote as th' most ignorant man in th'
ward. But don't ask f'r rights. Take thim. An' don't let anny wan give
thim to ye. A right that is handed to ye f'r nawthin' has somethin' th'
matther with it. It's more than likely it's on'y a wrong turned inside
out,' says I. 'I didn't fight f'r th' rights I'm told I injye, though to
tell ye th' truth I injye me wrongs more; but some wan did. Some time
some fellow was prepared to lay down his life, or betther still, th'
other fellows', f'r th' right to vote.'"

"I believe ye're in favor iv it ye'ersilf," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Faith," said Mr. Dooley, "I'm not wan way or th' other. I don't care.
What diff'rence does it make? I wudden't mind at all havin' a little
soap an' wather, a broom an' a dusther applied to pollyticks. It
wudden't do anny gr-reat harm if a man cudden't be illicted to office
onless he kept his hair combed an' blacked his boots an' shaved his chin
wanst a month. Annyhow, as Hogan says, I care not who casts th' votes
iv me counthry so long as we can hold th' offices. An' there's on'y wan
way to keep the women out iv office, an' that's to give thim a vote."




THE BACHELOR TAX


"This here pa-aper says," said Mr. Hennessy, "that they're goin' to put
a tax on bachelors. That's r-right. Why shudden't there be a tax on
bachelors? There's one on dogs."

"That's r-right," said Mr. Dooley. "An' they're goin' to make it five
dollars a year. Th' dogs pay only two. It's quite a concession to us.
They consider us more thin twice as vallyable, or annyhow more thin
twice as dangerous as dogs. I suppose ye expect next year to see me
throttin' around with a leather collar an' a brass tag on me neck. If me
tax isn't paid th' bachelor wagon'll come over an' th' bachelor
catcher'll lassoo me an' take me to th' pound an' I'll be kept there
three days an' thin, if still unclaimed, I'll be dhrowned onless th'
pound keeper takes a fancy to me. Ye'll niver see it, me boy. No, Sir.
Us bachelors ar-re a sthrong body iv men polytickally, as well as
handsome and brave. If ye thry to tax us we'll fight ye to th' end. If
worst comes to worst we won't pay th' tax. Don't ye think f'r a minyit
that light-footed heroes that have been eludin' onprincipled females all
their lives won't be able to dodge a little thing like a five-dollar
tax. There's no clumsy collector in th' wurruld that cud catch up with a
man iv me age who has avoided the machinations iv th' fair f'r forty
years an' remains unmarrid.

"An' why shud we be taxed? We're th' mainstay iv th' Constitution an'
about all that remains iv liberty. If ye think th' highest jooty iv
citizenship is to raise a fam'ly why don't ye give a vote to th' shad?
Who puts out ye'er fire f'r ye, who supports th' Naytional Governmint be
payin' most iv th' intarnal rivnoo jooties, who maintains th' schools ye
sind ye'er ignorant little childher to, be payin' th' saloon licenses,
who does th' fightin' f'r ye in th' wars but th' bachelors? Th' marrid
men start all th' wars with loose talk whin they're on a spree. But whin
war is declared they begin to think what a tur-rble thing 'twud be if
they niver come home to their fireside an' their wife got marrid again
an' all their grandchildher an' their great-grandchildher an' their
widow an' th' man that marrid her an' his divoorced wife an' their
rilitives, descindants, friends, an' acquaintances wud have to live on
afther father was dead and gone with a large piece iv broken iron in his
stomach or back, as th' case might be, but a pension come fr'm th'
Governmint. So, th' day war is declared ye come over here an' stick a
sthrange-lookin' weepin in me hand an' I close down me shop an' go out
somewhere I niver was befure an' maybe lose me leg defindin' th' hearths
iv me counthry, me that niver had a hearth iv me own to warm me toes by
but th' oil stove in me bedroom. An' that's th' kind iv men ye'd be
wantin' to tax like a pushcart or a cow. Onscrupulous villain!

"Whin ye tax th' bachelors ye tax valor. Whin ye tax th' bachelors ye
tax beauty. Ye've got to admit that we're a much finer lookin' lot iv
fellows thin th' marrid men. That's why we're bachelors. 'Tis with us as
with th' ladies. A lady with an erratic face is sure to be marrid befure
a Dhream iv Beauty. She starts to wurruk right away an' what Hogan calls
th' doctrine iv av'rages is always with thim that starts early an' makes
manny plays. But th' Dhream iv Beauty figures out that she can wait an'
take her pick an' 'tis not ontil she is bumpin' thirty that she wakes up
with a scream to th' peril iv her position an' runs out an' pulls a man
down fr'm th' top iv a bus. Manny a plain but determined young woman
have I seen happily marrid an' doin' th' cookin' f'r a large fam'ly whin
her frind who'd had her pitcher in th' contest f'r th' most beautiful
woman in Brighton Park was settin' behind th' blinds waitin' f'r some
wan to take her buggy ridin'.

"So it is with us. A man with a face that looks as if some wan had
thrown it at him in anger nearly always marries befure he is old enough
to vote. He feels he has to an' he cultivates what Hogan calls th'
graces. How often do ye hear about a fellow that he is very plain but
has a beautiful nature. Ye bet he has. If he hadn't an' didn't always
keep it in th' show-case where all th' wurruld cud see he'd be lynched
be th' Society f'r Municipal Improvement. But 'tis diff'rent with us
comely bachelors. Bein' very beautiful, we can afford to be haughty an'
peevish. It makes us more inthrestin'. We kind iv look thim over with a
gentle but supeeryor eye an' say to oursilves: 'Now, there's a nice,
pretty atthractive girl. I hope she'll marry well.' By an' by whin th'
roses fade fr'm our cheeks an' our eye is dimmed with age we bow to th'
inivitable, run down th' flag iv defiance, an' ar-re yanked into th'
multichood iv happy an' speechless marrid men that look like flashlight
pitchers. Th' best-lookin' iv us niver get marrid at all.

"Yes, Sir, there's no doubt we do a good deal to beautify th' landscape.
Whose pitchers ar-re those ye see in th' advertisemints iv th'
tailorman? There's not a marrid man among thim. They're all bachelors.
What does th' gents' furnishing man hang his finest neckties in th'
front window f'r but to glisten with a livelier iris, as Hogan says, th'
burnished bachelor? See th' lordly bachelor comin' down th' sthreet,
with his shiny plug hat an' his white vest, th' dimon stud that he wint
in debt f'r glistenin' in his shirt front, an' th' patent-leather shoes
on his feet out-shinin' th' noonday sun.

"Thin we see th' marrid man with th' wrinkles in his coat an' his tie
undher his ear an' his chin unshaven. He's walkin' in his gaiters in a
way that shows his socks ar-re mostly darned. I niver wore a pair iv
darned socks since I was a boy. Whin I make holes in me hosiery I throw
thim away. 'Tis a fine idee iv th' ladies that men are onhappy because
they have no wan to darn their socks an' put buttons on their shirts.
Th' truth is that a man is not onhappy because his socks ar-re not
darned but because they ar-re. An' as f'r buttons on his shirt, whin
th' buttons comes off a bachelor's shirt he fires it out iv th' window.
His rule about clothes is thurly scientific. Th' survival iv th' fit,
d'ye mind. Th' others to th' discard. No marrid man dares to wear th'
plumage iv a bachelor. If he did his wife wud suspict him. He lets her
buy his cravats an' his seegars an' 'tis little diff'rence it makes to
him which he smokes.

"'Twud be villanous to tax th' bachelors. Think iv th' moral side iv it.
What's that? Ye needn't grin. I said moral. Yes, Sir. We're th' most
onselfish people in th' wurruld. All th' throubles iv th' neighborhood
ar-re my throubles an' my throubles ar-re me own. If ye shed a tear f'r
anny person but wan ye lose ye'er latch-key, but havin' no wan in
partiklar to sympathize with I'm supposed to sympathize with ivry wan.
On th' conthry if ye have anny griefs ye can't bear ye dump thim on th'
overburdened shoulders iv ye'er wife. But if I have anny griefs I must
bear thim alone. If a bachelor complains iv his throubles people say:
'Oh, he's a gay dog. Sarves him right.' An' if he goes on complainin'
he's liable to be in gr-reat peril. I wudden't dare to tell me woes to
ye'er wife. If I did she'd have a good cry, because she injyes cryin',
an' thin she'd put on her bonnet an' r-run over an' sick th' widow
O'Brien on me.

"Whin a lady begins to wondher if I'm not onhappy in me squalid home
without th' touch iv a woman's hand ayether in th' tidy on th' chair or
in th' inside pocket iv th' coat, I say: 'No, ma'am, I live in gr-reat
luxury surrounded be all that money can buy an' manny things that it
can't or won't. There ar-re Turkish rugs on th' flure an' chandyleers
hang fr'm th' ceilins. There I set at night dhrinkin' absinthe, sherry
wine, port wine, champagne, beer, whisky, rum, claret, kimmel, weiss
beer, cream de mint, curaso, an' binidictine, occas'nally takin' a dhraw
at an opeem pipe an' r-readin' a Fr-rinch novel. Th' touch iv a woman's
hand wudden't help this here abode iv luxury. Wanst, whin I was away,
th' beautiful Swede slave that scrubs out me place iv business broke
into th' palachal boodoor an' in thryin' to set straight th' ile
paintin' iv th' Chicago fire burnin' Ilivator B, broke a piece off a
frame that cost me two dollars iv good money.' If they knew that th'
on'y furniture in me room was a cane-bottomed chair an' a thrunk an'
that there was nawthin' on th' flure but oilcloth an' me clothes, an'
that 'tis so long since me bed was made up that it's now a life-size
plaster cast iv me, I'd be dhragged to th' altar at th' end iv a chain.

"Speakin' as wan iv th' few survivin' bachelors, an old vethran that's
escaped manny a peril an' got out iv manny a difficult position with
honor, I wish to say that fair woman is niver so dangerous as whin she's
sorry f'r ye. Whin th' wurruds 'Poor man' rises to her lips an' th'
nurse light comes into her eyes, I know 'tis time f'r me to take me hat
an' go. An' if th' hat's not handy I go without it.

"I bet ye th' idee iv taxin' bachelors started with th' dear ladies. But
I say to thim: 'Ladies, is not this a petty revenge on ye'er best
frinds? Look on ye'er own husbands an' think what us bachelors have
saved manny iv ye'er sisters fr'm. Besides aren't we th' hope iv th'
future iv th' instichoochion iv mathrimony? If th' onmarrid ladies ar-re
to marry at all, 'tis us, th' bold bachelors, they must look forward to.
We're not bachelors fr'm choice. We're bachelors because we can't make a
choice. Ye all look so lovely to us that we hate to bring th' tears into
th' eyes iv others iv ye be marryin' some iv ye. Considher our
onforchnit position an' be kind. Don't oppress us. We were not meant f'r
slaves. Don't thry to coerce us. Continue to lay f'r us an' hope on. If
ye tax us there's hardly an old bachelor in th' land that won't fling
his five dollars acrost th' counter at th' tax office an' say: 'Hang th'
expense.'"




THE RISING OF THE SUBJECT RACES


"Ye'er frind Simpson was in here awhile ago," said Mr. Dooley, "an' he
was that mad."

"What ailed him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "it seems he wint into me frind Hip Lung's
laundhry to get his shirt an' it wasn't ready. Followin' what Hogan
calls immemoryal usage, he called Hip Lung such names as he cud remimber
and thried to dhrag him around th' place be his shinin' braid. But
instead iv askin' f'r mercy, as he ought to, Hip Lung swung a flat-iron
on him an' thin ironed out his spine as he galloped up th' stairs. He
come to me f'r advice an' I advised him to see th' American consul.
Who's th' American consul in Chicago now? I don't know. But Hogan, who
was here at th' time, grabs him be th' hand an' says he: 'I
congratulate ye, me boy,' he says. 'Ye have a chance to be wan iv th'
first martyrs iv th' white race in th' gr-reat sthruggle that's comin'
between thim an' th' smoked or tinted races iv th' wurruld,' he says.
'Ye'll be another Jawn Brown's body or Mrs. O'Leary's cow. Go back an'
let th' Chink kill ye an' cinchries hence people will come with wreathes
and ate hard-biled eggs on ye'er grave,' he says.

"But Simpson said he did not care to be a martyr. He said he was a
retail grocer be pro-fissyon an' Hip Lung was a customer iv his, though
he got most iv his vittles fr'm th' taxydermist up th' sthreet an' he
thought he'd go around to-morrah an' concilyate him. So he wint away.

"Hogan, d'ye mind, has a theery that it's all been up with us blondes
since th' Jap'nese war. Hogan is a prophet. He's wan iv th' gr-reatest
prophets I know. A prophet, Hinnissy, is a man that foresees throuble.
No wan wud listen a minyit to anny prophet that prophesized pleasant
days. A successful weather prophet is wan that predicts thunder storms,
hurrycanes an' earthquakes; a good financial prophet is wan that
predicts panics; a pollytickal prophet must look into th' tea leaves an'
see th' institutions iv th' wurruld cracked wide open an' th' smiling
not to say grinnin', fields iv this counthry iv ours,' or somebody's
laid waste with fire and soord. Hogan's that kind iv a prophet. I'm
onhappy about to-day but cheerful about to-morrah. Hogan is th' happyest
man in th' wurruld about to-day but to-morrah something is goin' to
happen. I hate to-day because to-morrah looks so good. He's happy to-day
because it is so pleasant compared with what to-morrah is goin' to be.
Says I: 'Cheer up; well have a good time at th' picnic next Saturdah.'
Says he: 'It will rain at th' picnic.'

"He's a rale prophet. I wudden't pick him out as a well-finder. He
cudden't find a goold mine f'r ye but he cud see th' bottom iv wan
through three thousand feet iv bullyon. He can peer into th' most
blindin' sunshine an' see th' darkness lurkin' behind it. He's
predicted ivry war that has happened in our time and eight thousand that
haven't happened to happen. If he had his way th' United States navy wud
be so big that there wudden't be room f'r a young fellow to row his girl
in Union Park. He can see a war cloud where I can't see annything but
somebody cookin' his dinner or lightin' his pipe. He'd made th' gr-reat
foreign iditor an' he'd be fine f'r th' job f'r he's best late at night.

"Hogan says th' time has come f'r th' subjick races iv th' wurruld to
rejooce us fair wans to their own complexion be batin' us black and
blue. Up to now 'twas: 'Sam, ye black rascal, tow in thim eggs or I'll
throw ye in th' fire. 'Yassir,' says Sam. 'Comin',' he says. 'Twas: 'Wow
Chow, while ye'er idly stewin' me cuffs I'll set fire to me unpaid
bills.' I wud feel repaid be a kick,' says Wow Chow. 'Twas: 'Maharajah
Sewar, swing th' fan swifter or I'll have to roll over f'r me dog whip.'
'Higgins Sahib,' says Maharajah Sewar, 'Higgins Sahib, beloved iv Gawd
an' Kipling, ye'er punishments ar-re th' nourishment iv th' faithful. My
blood hath served thine f'r manny ginerations. At laste two. 'Twas thine
old man that blacked my father's eye an' sint my uncle up f'r eighty
days. How will ye'er honor have th' accursed swine's flesh cooked f'r
breakfast in th' mornin' when I'm through fannin' ye?'

"But now, says Hogan, it's all changed. Iver since th' Rooshyans were
starved out at Port Arthur and Portsmouth, th' wurrad has passed around
an' ivry naygur fr'm lemon color to coal is bracin' up. He says they
have aven a system of tilly-graftin' that bates ours be miles. They have
no wires or poles or wathered stock but th' population is so thick that
whin they want to sind wurrud along th' line all they have to do is f'r
wan man to nudge another an' something happens in Northern Chiny is
known in Southern Indya befure sunset. And so it passed through th'
undherwurruld that th' color line was not to be dhrawn anny more, an'
Hogan says that almost anny time he ixpicts to see a black face peerin'
through a window an' in a few years I'll be takin' in laundhry in a
basement instead iv occypyin' me present impeeryal position, an' ye'll
be settin' in front iv ye'er cabin home playin' on a banjo an' watchin'
ye'er little pickahinnissies rollickin' on th' ground an' wondhrn' whin
th' lynchin' party'll arrive.

"That's what Hogan says. I niver knew th' subjick races had so much in
thim befure. A few years ago I had no more thought iv Japan thin I have
iv Dorgan's cow. I admire Dorgan's cow. It's a pretty cow. I have often
leaned on th' fence an' watched Dorgan milkin' his cow. Sometimes I
wondhered in a kind iv smoky way why as good an' large a cow as that
shud let a little man like Dorgan milk her. But if Dorgan's cow shud
stand up on her hind legs, kick over the bucket, chase Dorgan out iv th'
lot, put on a khaki unyform, grab hold of a Mauser rifle an' begin
shootin' at me, I wudden't be more surprised thin I am at th' idee iv
Japan bein' wan iv th' nations iv th' wurruld. I don't see what th'
subjick races got to kick about, Hinnissy. We've been awfully good to
thim. We sint thim missionaries to teach thim th' error iv their
relligyon an' nawthin' cud be kinder thin that f'r there's nawthin'
people like betther thin to be told that their parents are not be anny
means where they thought they were but in a far more crowded an'
excitin' locality. An' with th' missionaries we sint sharpshooters that
cud pick off a Chinyman beatin' th' conthribution box at five hundherd
yards. We put up palashal goluf-coorses in the cimitries an' what was
wanst th' tomb iv Hung Chang, th' gr-reat Tartar Impror, rose to th'
dignity iv bein' th' bunker guardin' th' fifth green. No Chinyman cud
fail to be pleased at seein' a tall Englishman hittin' th' Chinyman's
grandfather's coffin with a niblick. We sint explorers up th' Nile who
raypoorted that th' Ganzain flows into th' Oboo just above Lake Mazap, a
fact that th' naygurs had known f'r a long time. Th' explorer announces
that he has changed th' names iv these wather-coorses to Smith,
Blifkins an' Winkinson. He wishes to deny th' infamyous story that he
iver ate a native alive. But wan soon succumbs to th' customs iv a
counthry an' Sir Alfred is no viggytaryan.

"An' now, be Hivin, all these here wretched millyons that we've done so
much f'r ar-re turnin' on us. Th' Japs threaten us with war. Th' Chinese
won't buy shoes fr'm us an' ar-re chasin' th' missionaries out iv their
cozy villas an' not even givin' thim a chance to carry away their
piannies or their silverware. There's th' divvle to pay all along th'
levee fr'm Manchurya to Madagascar, accordin' to Hogan. I begin to feel
onaisy. Th' first thing we know all th' other subjick races will be up.
Th' horses will kick an' bite, the dogs will fly at our throats whin we
lick thim, th' fishes will refuse to be caught, th' cattle an' pigs will
set fire to th' stock yards an' there'll be a gineral rebellyon against
th' white man.

"It's no laughin' matther, I tell ye. A subjick race is on'y funny whin
it's raaly subjick. About three years ago I stopped laughin' at
Jap'nese jokes. Ye have to feel supeeryor to laugh an' I'm gettin' over
that feelin'. An' nawthin' makes a man so mad an' so scared as whin
something he looked down on as infeeryor tur-rns on him. If a fellow man
hits him he hits him back. But if a dog bites him he yells 'mad dog' an'
him an' th' neighbors pound th' dog to pieces with clubs. If th' naygurs
down South iver got together an' flew at their masters ye'd hear no more
coon songs f'r awhile. It's our conceit makes us supeeryor. Take it out
iv us an' we ar-re about th' same as th' rest."

"I wondher what we'd do if all thim infeeryor races shud come at us
together?" said Mr. Hennessy. "They're enough iv thim to swamp us."

"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd have to go on bein' white or, to speak
more acc'rately, pink. An' annyhow I guess they've been infeeryor too
long to change. It's got to be a habit with thim."




PANICS


"Have ye taken ye'er money out iv th' bank? Are ye wan iv thim impechuse
prooletaryans that has been attackin' th' Gibyraltars iv fi-nance,
cow'rd that ye are to want ye'er money in a hurry, or are ye not? I see
be th' look iv ye'er face that ye are not. Ye have been a brave man; ye
have had faith in th' future iv our counthry; ye have perceived that our
financial institutions are sound if they are nawthin' else. Ye
undherstand that it's upon th' self-resthraint iv men like th' likes iv
ye that th' whole credit iv th' nation depinds. I read it in the
pa-apers an' 'tis thrue. Besides, ye have no money in th' bank. Th' on'y
way ye or me cud rightly exthricate anny money fr'm a bank wud be be
means iv a brace an' bit.

"No matther. 'Tis you that has done it. I give great credit to George B.
Cortilyoo, J. Pierpont Morgan, Lord Rothschild, Jawn D. Rockyfellar,
th' banks iv Ameriky, th' clearing house comity, th' clearing out
comity, an' all th' brave an' gallant fellows that have stood firmly
with their backs to th' wall an' declared that anny money taken out iv
their institutions wud be taken over their dead bodies. They have
behaved as American gintlemen shud behave whin foorce iv circumstances
compels thim to behave that way. But if, in this tur-rible imergency I
am obliged to tell th' truth, I've got to confess to ye that th' thanks
iv th' nation, a little bit late, but very corjal, are due to th' boys
that niver had a cent in th' banks, an' niver will have. They have
disturbed none iv our institutions. No great leader iv fi-nance has
turned green to see wan iv thim thryin' to do th' leap f'r life through
a closed payin' teller's window. Th' fellow that with wan whack iv a
hammer can convart a steer into an autymobill or can mannyfacther a
pearl necklace out iv two dollars' worth iv wurruk on a slag pile, has
throubled no wan. Ye're th' boy in this imergency, Hinnissy. Th' other
mornin' I was readin' th' pa-apers about th' panic in Wall Sthreet an'
though I've niver seen annything all me life but wan continyal panic I
felt low in me mind ontil I looked up an' see ye go by with ye'er shovel
on ye'er shouldher an' me heart leaped up. I wanted to rush to th'
tillygraft office and wire me frind J. Pierpont Morgan: 'Don't be
downcast. It's all right. I just see Hinnissy go by with his shovel.'

"No, sir, ye can bet it ain't th' people that have no money that causes
panics. Panics are th' result iv too manny people havin' money. Th' top
iv good times is hard times and th' bottom iv hard times is good times.
Whin I see wan man with a shovel on his shouldher dodgin' eight thousand
autymobills I begin to think 'tis time to put me money in me boot."

"'Tis hard f'r me to undherstand what's goin' on," said Mr. Hennessy.
"What does it all mean?"

"'Tis something ye wudden't be ixpected to know, said Mr. Dooley. 'Tis
what is known as credit. I'll explain it to ye. F'r the sake iv
argymint well say ye're a shoemaker. Oh, 'tis on'y f'r th' sake iv
argymint. Iverywan knows that a burly fellow like you wudden't be at
anny employmint as light an' effiminate as makin' shoes. But supposin'
fr th' sake iv argymint ye're a shoemaker. Ye get two dollars a day f'r
makin' forty dollars' worth iv shoes. Ye take part of ye'er ill-gotten
gains an' leave it with me f'r dhrink. Afther awhile, I take th' money
over to th' shoe store an' buy wan iv th' pairs iv shoes ye made. Th'
fellow at th' shoe store puts th' money in a bank owned be ye'er boss.
Ye'er boss sees ye're dhrinkin' a good deal an' be th' look iv things
th' distillery business ought to improve. So he lends th' money to a
distiller. Wan day th' banker obsarves that ye've taken th' pledge, an'
havin' fears f'r th' distilling business, he gets his money back. I owe
th' distiller money an' he comes to me. I have paid out me money f'r th'
shoes an' th' shoe-store man has put it in th' bank. He goes over to th'
bank to get it out an' has his fingers cut off in a window. An' there
ye are. That's credit.

"I niver knew befure how little it depinded on. There's Grogan th'
banker. He's a great man. Look at his bank. It looks as though an
earthquake wudden't flutter it. It's a cross between an armory an' a
jail. It frowns down upon th' sthreet. An' Grogan. He looks as solid as
though th' columns iv th' building was quarried out iv him. See him with
his goold watch chain clankin' again th' pearl buttons iv his vest. He
niver give me much more thin a nod out iv th' north-east corner iv his
left eyebrow, but he was always very kind an' polite to Mulligan, th'
little tailor. Except that I thought he had a feelin' iv respect f'r me
an' none at all f'r Mulligan. Th' other mornin' I see him standin' on a
corner near th' bank as Mulligan dashed by with a copy iv his fav'rite
journal in wan hand an' a pass book in th' other. 'That man is a
coward,' says Mulligan. 'Tis th' likes iv him that desthroys public
confidence,' says he. 'He must've been brave at wan peeryod iv his
life,' says I. 'Whin was that?' says he. 'Whin he put th' money in,'
says I. 'It's th' likes iv him that makes panics,' says he. 'It's th'
likes iv both iv ye,' says I. 'I niver see such team wurruk,' says I.
'That bank is a perfectly solvint institution,' says he. 'It's as
sthrong as th' rock of Gibyraltar. I'm goin' over now to close it up,'
says he. An' he wint.

"Well, glory be, 'tis no use botherin' our heads about it. Panics an'
circuses, as Father Kelly says, are f'r th' amusement iv th' poor. An' a
time iv this kind is fine f'r ivrybody who hasn't too much. A little
while ago ye niver r-read in th' pa-aper annything about th' fellow that
had his money in th' bank anny more thin ye'd read about th' spectators
at a prize fight. 'Twas all what th' joynts iv fi-nance were doin'.
'Who's that man with th' plug hat just comin' out iv th' gamblin'
joint?' 'That's th' prisidint iv th' Eighth Rational.' 'An' who's that
shakin' dice at th' bar?' 'That's th' head iv our greatest thrust
comp'ny.' An' so it wint. To-day I read in th' pa-apers an appeal to
th' good sense iv Mulligan, th' tailor. It didn't mintion his name, but
it might just as well. 'Twas th' same as sayin': 'Now, look here,
Mulligan, me brave fellow. 'Tis up to you to settle this whole matther.
It's got beyond us and we rely on ye not to dump us. We lost our heads
but a man iv ye'er carackter can't afford to do annything rash or
on-thinkin' like a lot iv excitable fi-nanceers. Ye must get undher th'
situation at wanst. We appeal to th' good common sense th' pathritism,
th' honor, th' manly courage an' th' ca-mness in th' face iv great
danger iv Timothy Mulligan to pull us out iv th' hole. Regards to Mrs.
Mulligan an' all th' little wans. Don't answer in person (signed) Jawn
D. Rockyfellar.'

"An' iv coorse Mulligan'll do it. Mulligan caused th' throuble be havin'
money in th' first place an' takin' it out in th' second place. Mulligan
will settle it all be carryin' his money back to th' bank where money
belongs. Don't get excited about it, Hinnissy, me boy. Cheer up.
'Twill be all right tomorrah, or th' next day, or some time. 'Tis wan
good thing about this here wurruld, that nawthin' lasts long enough to
hurt. I have been through manny a panic. I cud handle wan as well as
Morgan. Panics cause thimsilves an' take care iv thimsilves. Who do I
blame for this wan? Grogan blamed Rosenfelt yesterday; to-day he blames
Mulligan; to-morrah he won't blame anny wan an' thin th' panic will be
over. I blame no wan, an' I blame ivry wan. All I say to ye is, be
brave, be ca'm an' go on shovellin'. So long as there's a Hinnissy in
th' wurruld, an' he has a shovel, an' there's something f'r him to
shovel, we'll be all right, or pretty near all right.

"Don't ye think Rosenfelt has shaken public confidence?" asked Mr.
Hennessy.

"Shaken it," said Mr. Dooley; "I think he give it a good kick just as it
jumped off th' roof."




OCEAN TRAVEL


"I see this here new steamboat has broke all records. It come acrost th'
Atlantic Ocean in four days. Passengers that got aboord at Liverpool on
Saturday were in New York Friday afthernoon."

"But that's more thin four days."

"Not be nautical time, said Mr. Dooley. Ye mustn't figure it out th'
way ye do on land. On land ye niver read that 'Th' Thunderbolt limited
has broken all records be thravellin' fr'm New York (Harrisburg) to
Chicago (Fort Wayne) in eight hours.' But with a steamboat 'tis
different. Ye saw a lot iv time off ayether end an' what's left is th'
v'yage. 'Th' Conyard line's gr-reat ocean greyhound or levithin iv th'
seas has broken all records iv transatlantic passages except thim made
be th' Germans. She has thravelled fr'm Liverpool (a rock so far off th'
coast iv Ireland that I niver see it) to New York (Sandy Hook
lightship) in four or five days. Brittanya again rules th' waves.' So if
ye've anny frinds inclined to boast about makin' a record ask thim did
they swim aboord at Daunt's Rock an' swim off at th' lightship. If they
didn't, refuse to take off ye'er hat to thim. To tell how long it takes
to cross th' Atlantic compute th' elapsed time fr'm boordin' house to
boordin' house. It's fr'm a week to ten days depindin on th' time ye go
to bed whin ye come home. Manny a man that come over on a five-day boat
has had th' divvle iv a time explainin' to his wife what he did with th'
other two days. No record iv thransatlantic thravel takes into account
th' longest, roughest an' most dangerous part iv th' passage, which is
through th' New York custom house.

"But 'tis wondherful annyhow. 'Tis wondherful that a man shud cross th'
Atlantic ocean annyhow an' 'tis enough to make ye dizzy to think iv him
crossin' it in an iron boat that looks like a row iv office buildings.
Th' grand times they must've had. Time was whin a man got on a boat an'
was lost f'r a week or ten days. Now, be hivens, through th' wondhers iv
modhern science he's hardly settled down to a cigar an' a game iv
pinochle with another fugitive that he's just met, whin a messenger boy
comes down th' deck on his bicycle an' hands him a tillygram with glad
tidings fr'm home. Th' house is burned, th' sheriff has levied on his
furniture or th' fam'ly are down with th' whoopin' cough. On th' other
hand we know all about what they are doin' on boord th' levithin. Just
as ye'er wife is thinkin' iv ye bein' wrecked on a desert island or
floatin' on a raft an' signallin' with an undershirt she picks up th'
pa-aper an' reads: 'Th' life iv th' ship is Malachi Hinnissy, a wealthy
bachelor fr'm Pittsburg. His attintions to a widow from Omaha are most
marked. They make a handsome couple.'

"Well, sir, they must 've had th' gloryus time on boord this new boat.
In th' old days all ye knew about a ship was that she left Liverpool
and landed in New York afther a most disthressin' v'yage. Now ye r-read
iv th' gay life aboord her fr'm day to day: 'Th' tie in th' billyard
tournymint was played off last night. Th' resthrants are crowded nightly
an' great throngs are seen in Main Sthreet undher th' brilliant
illuminations. Th' public gardens are in full bloom an' are much
frequented be childher rollin' hoops and sailin' boats in th' artificial
lake. Th' autymobill speedway gives gr-reat satisfaction. Th' opening
day iv th' steeplechase races was a success. Th' ilivator in th' left
annex fell thirteen stories Thursday, but no wan was injured. Th'
brokerage house iv Conem an' Comp'ny wint into th' hands iv a receiver
to-day. Th' failure was due to th' refusal iv th' banks to lend anny
more money on hat pools. Th' steeple iv th' Swedenborjan Church is
undher repair. Th' _Daily Fog Horn_ has put in three new color presses
an' will begin printin' a colored supplement Sunday next.' An' so it
goes. It ain't a boat at all. It's a city.

"At laste I thought it was but Hannigan that come over in it says it's
a boat. 'Ye must've had a grand time,' says I, 'in this floatin' palace,
atin' ye'er fill iv sumchuse food an' gazin' at th' beautifully jooled
ladies,' says I. 'Ah,' says I, 'th' wondhers iv science that cud put
together a conthrivance th' like iv that,' says I. 'It's a boat,' says
he. 'That's th' best I can say about it,' says he. 'Did ye not glide
noiselessly through th' wather?' says I? 'I did not,' says he. 'Divvle
th' glide. We bumped along pretty fast an' th' injines made noises like
injines an' th' ship creaked like anny ship.' 'An' wasn't th' food
fine?' 'It depinded on th' weather. There was plenty iv it on good days,
an' too much iv it on other days.' 'An' th' beautifully jooled ladies?'
'No wan knew whether th' ladies were beautifully jooled except th' lady
that searched thim at th' custom house.

"'Don't ye make a mistake, Dooley,' says he. 'A boat's a boat. That's
all it is. Annything ye can get at sea ye can get betther on land. A
millyonaire is made as comfortable on an ocean liner as a longshoreman
on earth an' ye can play that comparison all th' way down to th'
steerage. Whin I read about this here floatin' palace I says to mesilf:
I'll add a little money and go acrost in oryental luxury. Whin I got
aboord th' decks were crowded with happy people worryin' about their
baggage an' wondherin' already whether th' inspector in New York wud get
onto th' false bottom iv th' thrunks. I give th' old an' enfeebled
English gintleman that carried me satchel a piece iv silver. He touched
his cap to me an' says Cue. Cue is th' English f'r I thank ye
kindly in Irish. He carrid me bag downstairs in th' ship. We kept goin'
down an' down till we touched bottom, thin we rambled through long lanes
neatly decorated with steel girders till we come to a dent in th' keel.
That was me boodoor. At laste part iv it was. There were two handsome
berths in it an' I had th' top wan. Th' lower wan was already occypied
be a gintleman that had started to feel onaisy on th' way down f'm
London an' was now prepared f'r th' worst. I left him to his grief an'
wint up on th' roof iv th' ship.

"'It was a gay scene f'r th' boat had started. Long rows iv ladies were
stretched on invalid chairs with shawls over thim, pretindin' to read
an' takin' deep smells at little green bottles. Three or four hundherd
men had begun to walk around th' ship with their hands folded behind
thim. A poker game between four rale poker players an' a man that didn't
know th' game but had sharp finger-nails was already started in th'
smokin'-room. About that time I begun to have a quare sinsation. I
haven't been able to find out yet what it was. I must ask Dock O'Leary.
I wasn't sea-sick, mind ye. I'm a good sailor. But I had a funny feelin'
in me forehead between me eyes. It wasn't a headache exactly but a kind
iv a sthrange sinsation like I used to have whin I was a boy an' thried
to look cross-eyed. I suppose it was th' strong light. I didn't have
anny aversion to food. Not at all. But somehow I didn't like th' smell
iv food. It was disagreeable to me an' it seemed to make th' place in me
head worse. Sivral times I wint to th' dinin'-room intindin' to jine th'
jovyal comp'ny there but quit at th' dure. It was very sthrange. I don't
know how to account f'r it. Very few people were sea-sick on th' v'yage,
but sivral hundherd who were injyin' paddlin' a spoon in a cup iv beef
tea on deck spoke iv havin' th' same sinsation. I didn't speak iv it to
th' ship's doctor. I'd as lave carry me ailments to a harness maker as
to a ship's doctor. But there it was, an' fr'm me pint iv view it was
th' most important ivint iv th' passage.

"Next to that th' most excitin' thing was thryin' to find annybody that
wud take money fr'm me. It's a tur-rble awkward thing to have to force
money on an Englishman in a uniform like an admiral's an' talkin' with
an accent that manny iv th' finest people on th' deck were thryin' to
imitate, but I schooled mesilf to it. An' sthrange to say they niver
refused. They were even betther thin that. I was lavin' th' ship whin
th' fellow that pulled th' plug out iv th' other man's bath f'r me
touched me on th' shoulder. I turned an' see a frindly gleam in his eye
that made me wondher if he had a knife. I give him what they call five
bobs over there, which is wan dollar an' twinty cints iv our money. He
touched his cap an' says Cue. I was greatly moved. But it's done wan
thing f'r me. It's made me competint f'r anny office connected with th'
legal departmint iv a sthreet railway. Be hivens, I cud hand a piece iv
change to a judge iv th' supreem coort. I hear th' Conyard line has
passed a dividend. They ought to make a merger with th' head stoort,'
says he.

"An' there ye ar-re. A boat's a boat aven whin it looks like a hotel.
But it's wondherful annyhow. Whin ye come to think iv it 'tis wondherful
that anny man cud cross th' Atlantic in annything. Th' Atlantic Ocean is
a fine body iv wather, but it's a body iv wather just th' same. It
wasn't intinded to be thravelled on. Ye cud put ye'er foot through it
annywhere. It's sloppy goin' at best. Th' on'y time a human being can
float in it is afther he's dead. A man throws a horseshoe into it an'
th' horseshoe sinks. This makes him cross an' he builds a boat iv th'
same mateeryal as a millyon horseshoes, loads it up with machinery,
pushes it out on th' billows an' goes larkin' acrost thim as aisy as ye
plaze. If he didn't go over on a large steel skyscraper he'd take a dure
off its hinges an' go on that.

"All ye have to do is to tell him there's land on th' other side iv th'
ragin' flood an' he'll say: 'All right, I'll take a look at it.' Ye talk
about th' majesty iv th' ocean but what about th' majesty iv this here
little sixty-eight be eighteen inches bump iv self-reliance that treats
it like th' dirt undher his feet? It's a wondher to me that th' ocean
don't get tired iv growlin' an' roarin' at th' race iv men. They don't
pay anny heed to it's hollering. Whin it behaves itsilf they praise it
as though it was a good dog. 'How lovely our ocean looks undher our
moon.' Whin it rises in its wrath they show their contimpt f'r it be
bein' sea-sick into it. But no matther how it behaves they niver quit
usin' its face f'r a right iv way. They'll niver subjoo it but it niver
bates thim. There niver was a time in th' history iv little man's
sthruggle with th' vasty deep that he didn't deserve a decision on
points."

"Well, it's all very well, but f'r me th' dhry land," said Mr. Hennessy.
"Will ye iver cross th' ocean again?"

"Not," said Mr. Dooley, "till they asphalt it an' run th' boats on
throlleys."




WORK


"Ye haven't sthruck yet, have ye?" said Mr. Dooley.

"Not yet," said Mr. Hennessy. "But th' dillygate was up at th' mills
to-day an' we may be called out anny minyit now."

"Will ye go?" asked Mr. Dooley.

"Ye bet I will," said Mr. Hennessy. "Ye just bet I will. I stand firm be
union principles an' besides it's hot as blazes up there these days. I
wudden't mind havin' a few weeks off."

"Ye'll do right to quit," said Mr. Dooley. "I have no sympathy with
sthrikers. I have no sympathy with thim anny more thin I have with
people goin' off to a picnic. A sthrike is a wurrukin' man's vacation.
If I had to be wan iv thim horny-handed sons iv toil, th' men that have
made our counthry what it is an' creates th' wealth iv th' wurruld--if
I had to be wan iv thim pillars iv th' constitution, which thank Gawd I
haven't, 'tis sthrikin' I'd be all th' time durin' th' heated term. I'd
begin sthrikin' whin th' flowers begin to bloom in th' parks, an' I'd
stay on sthrike till 'twas too cold to sit out on th' bleachers at th'
baseball park. Ye bet I wud.

"I've noticed that nearly all sthrikes occur in th' summer time.
Sthrikes come in th' summer time an' lockouts in th' winter. In th'
summer whin th' soft breezes blows through shop an' facthry, fannin' th'
cheeks iv th' artisan an' settin' fire to his whiskers, whin th' main
guy is off at th' seashore bein' pinched f'r exceedin' th' speed limit,
whin 'tis comfortable to sleep out at nights an' th' Sox have started a
batting sthreak, th' son iv Marthy, as me frind Roodyard Kipling calls
him, begins to think iv th' rights iv labor.

"Th' more he looks out iv th' window, th' more he thinks about his
rights, an' wan warm day he heaves a couplin' pin at th' boss an'
saunters away. Sthrikes are a great evil f'r th' wurrukin' man, but so
are picnics an' he acts th' same at both. There's th' same not gettin'
up till ye want to, th' same meetin' ye'er frinds f'r th' first time in
their good clothes an' th' same thumpin' sthrangers over th' head with a
brick. Afther awhile th' main guy comes home fr'm th' seaside, raises
wages twinty per cent, fires th' boss an' takes in th' walkin' dillygate
as a specyal partner.

"But in winter, what Hogan calls another flower iv our industhreel
system blooms. In th' winter it's warmer in th' foundhry thin in th'
home. There is no hearth as ample in anny man's home as th' hearth th'
Steel Comp'ny does its cookin' by. It is pleasant to see th' citizen
afther th' rigors iv a night at home hurryin' to th' mills to toast his
numbed limbs in th' warm glow iv th' Bessemer furnace. About this time
th' main guy takes a look at the thermometer an' chases th' specyal
partner out iv th' office with th' annual report iv th' Civic
Featheration. He thin summons his hardy assocyates about him an' says
he: 'Boys, I will no longer stand f'r th' tyranny iv th' unions.
Conditions has changed since last summer. It's grown much colder. I do
not care f'r the money at stake, but there is a great principle
involved. I cannot consint to have me business run be outsiders at a
cost iv near thirty thousand dollars a year,' says he. An' there's a
lockout.

"'Tis a matther iv th' seasons. So if ye sthrike ye'll not get me
sympathy. I resarve that f'r me infeeryors. I'll keep me sympathy f'r
th' poor fellow that has nobody to lure him away fr'm his toil an' that
has to sweat through August with no chanst iv gettin' a day in th' open
onless th' milishy are ordhered out an' thin whin he goes back to wurruk
th' chances are somebody's got his job while th' sthrikin' wurrukin' man
returns with his pockets full iv cigars an' is hugged at th' dure be the
main guy. If I was rejooced to wurrukin' f'r me livin', if I was a son
iv Marthy I'd be a bricklayer. They always sthrike durin' th' buildin'
season. They time it just right. They niver quit wurruk. They thry not
to meet it. It is what Hogan calls a pecolyar fact that bricklayers
always time their vacations f'r th' peeryod whin there is wurruk to be
done.

"No, sir, don't ask me to weep over th' downthrodden wurrukin' man whin
he's out on sthrike. Ye take these here tillygraft op'rators that have
laid off wurruk f'r th' summer. Do they look as though they were
sufferin'? Ye bet they don't. Th' tired tillygraft op'rator come home
last week with a smile on his face. 'I have good news f'r ye, mother,'
says he. 'Ye haven't sthruck?' says she, hope sthrugglin' with fear in
her face. 'Ye've guessed it,' says he. 'We weren't exactly ordhered out.
Th' signal f'r a sthrike was to be a series iv sharp whistles fr'm the
walkin' dillygate, but, whin that didn't come an' we were tired iv
waitin' th' report iv th' baseball game come over th' wires an' we
mistook that f'r a signal. Ye must get the childher ready f'r a day in
th' counthry. We can't tell how soon this sthruggle again th' greed iv
capital will be declared off an' we must make th' most iv it while it
lasts,' says he.

"I know a tillygraft op'rator, wan iv thim knights iv th' key that has a
fine job in a counthry deepo. All he has to do is to be up in time to
flag number eight at six o'clock an' wait till number thirty-two goes
through at midnight, keep thrains fr'm bumpin' into each other, turn
switches, put up th' simaphore, clean th' lamps an' hand out time tables
an' sell tickets. F'r these dissypations he dhraws down all th' way fr'm
fifteen to twinty dollars a week. An' he wants to sthrike. An' th'
pa-apers say if he does he'll tie up our impeeryal railroad systems.
Think iv that. I never had much iv an opinyon iv him. All he iver done
f'r me was to misspell me name. He's a little thin man that cudden't
lift an eighth iv beer with both hands, but he's that important if he
leaps his job we'll all have to walk.

"I've often thought I'd like to have th' walkin' dillygate iv th' Liquor
Dealers' Binivolent Assocyation come around an' ordher me to lay down
me lemon squeezer an' bung starter an' walk out. But nawthin' iv th'
kind iver happens an' if it did happen no wan wud care a sthraw. Th'
whole wurruld shuddhers at th' thought that me frind Ike Simpson, the
tillygraft op'rator, may take a day off: but me or Pierpont Morgan might
quit f'r a year an' no wan wud care. Supposin' Rockyfellar an' Pierpont
Morgan an' Jim Hill shud form a union, an' shud demand a raise iv a
millyon dollars a year, reduction iv wurrukin' time fr'm two to wan hour
ivry week, th' closed shop, two apprentices f'r each bank an' no wan
allowed to make money onless he cud show a union card? Whin th' sthrike
comity waited on us we'd hoist our feet on th' kitchen table, light a
seegar, polish our bone collar button with th' sleeve iv our flannel
shirt an' till thim to go to Bannagher.

"We'd say: 'Ye'er demands are onraisonable an' we will not submit. F'r
years we have run th' shop almost at a loss. There are plenty iv men to
take ye'er places. They may not be as efficient at first but they'll
soon larn. Ye'er demands are refused an' ye can bang th' dure afther
ye.' A fine chanct a millyonaire wud have thryin' to persuade ye be
peaceful means fr'm takin' his job. Think iv him on th' dead line
thryin' to coax ye not to go in but to stand by him as he would sit on
ye if you were in th' same position. Wud ye or wud ye not lave ye'er
coat in his hands as ye plunged in th' bank? They'd have to resort to
vilence. Th' stock exchange wud go out in sympathy. Th' milishy wud be
called out an' afther awhile th' financeers wud come back with their
hats in their hands an' find their old places took be other men.

"No, sir, a sthrike iv financeers wudden't worry anny wan. 'Tis a
sthrange thing whin we come to think iv it that th' less money a man
gets f'r his wurruk, th' more nicissry it is to th' wurruld that he shud
go on wurrukin'. Ye'er boss can go to Paris on a combination wedding an'
divoorce thrip an' no wan bothers his head about him. But if ye shud go
to Paris--excuse me f'r laughin' mesilf black in th' face--th'
industhrees iv the counthry pines away.

"An' th' higher up a man regards his wurruk, th' less it amounts to. We
cud manage to scrape along without electhrical injineers but we'd have a
divvle iv a time without scavengers. Ye look down on th' fellow that
dhrives th' dump cart, but if it wasn't f'r him ye'd niver be able to
pursoo ye'er honorable mechanical profissyon iv pushin' th' barrow. Whin
Andhrew Carnagie quit, ye wint on wurrukin'; if ye quit wurruk, he'll
have to come back. P'raps that's th' reason th' wurrukin' man don't get
more iv thim little pictures iv a buffalo in his pay envelope iv a
Saturdah night. If he got more money he wud do less wurruk. He has to be
kept in thrainin'.

"Th' way to make a man useful to th' wurruld is to give him a little
money an' a lot iv wurruk. An' 'tis th' on'y way to make him happy, too.
I don't mean coarse, mateeryal happiness like private yachts an'
autymobills an' rich food an' other corrodin' pleasures. I mean
something entirely diffr'ent. I don't know what I mean but I see in th'
pa-apers th' other day that th' on'y road to happiness was hard wurruk.
'Tis a good theery. Some day I'm goin' to hire a hall an' preach it in
Newport. I wudden't mintion it in Ar-rchy Road where wurruk abounds. I
don't want to be run in f'r incitin' a riot.

"This pa-aper says th' farmer niver sthrikes. He hasn't got th' time to.
He's too happy. A farmer is continted with his ten-acre lot. There's
nawthin' to take his mind off his wurruk. He sleeps at night with his
nose against th' shingled roof iv his little frame home an' dhreams iv
cinch bugs. While th' stars are still alight he walks in his sleep to
wake th' cow that left th' call f'r four o'clock. Thin it's ho! f'r
feedin' th' pigs an' mendin' th' reaper. Th' sun arises as usual in th'
east an' bein' a keen student iv nature, he picks a cabbage leaf to put
in his hat. Breakfast follows, a gay meal beginnin' at nine an' endin'
at nine-three. Thin it's off f'r th' fields where all day he sets on a
bicycle seat an' reaps the bearded grain an' th' Hessian fly, with
nawthin' but his own thoughts an' a couple iv horses to commune with.
An' so he goes an' he's happy th' livelong day if ye don't get in
ear-shot iv him. In winter he is employed keepin' th' cattle fr'm
sufferin' his own fate an' writin' testymonyals iv dyspepsia cures. 'Tis
sthrange I niver heerd a farmer whistle except on Sunday.

"No, sir, ye can't tell me that a good deal iv wurruk is good f'r anny
man. A little wurruk is not bad, a little wurruk f'r th' stomach's sake
an' to make ye sleep sound, a kind of nightcap, d'ye mind. But a gr-reat
deal iv wurruk, especially in th' summer time, will hurt anny man that
indulges in it. So, though I don't sympathize with sthrikers, I
congratulate thim. Sthrike, says I, while the iron is hot an' ye'er most
needed to pound it into a horseshoe. An' especially wud I advise
ivrybody to sthrike whin th' weather is hot."




DRUGS


"What ails ye?" asked Mr. Dooley of Mr. Hennessy, who looked dejected.

"I'm a sick man," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Since th' picnic?"

"Now that I come to think iv it, it did begin th' day afther th'
picnic," said Mr. Hennessy. "I've been to see Dock O'Leary. He give me
this an' these here pills an' some powdhers besides. An' d'ye know,
though I haven't taken anny iv thim yet, I feel betther already."

"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis a grand thing to be a doctor. A man
that's a doctor don't have to buy anny funny papers to enjye life. Th'
likes iv ye goes to a picnic an' has a pleasant, peaceful day in th'
counthry dancin' breakdowns an' kickin' a football in th' sun an' ivry
fifteen minyits or so washin' down a couple of dill-pickles with a
bottle of white pop. Th' next day ye get what's comin' to ye in th'
right place an' bein' a sthrong, hearty man that cudden't be kilt be
annything less thin a safe fallin' on ye fr'm a twenty-story building ye
know ye ar-re goin' to die. Th' good woman advises a mustard plasther
but ye scorn th' suggestion. What good wud a mustard plasther be again
this fatal epidemic that is ragin' inside iv ye? Besides a mustard
plasther wud hurt. So th' good woman, frivilous crather that she is,
goes back to her wurruk singin' a light chune. She knows she's goin' to
have to put up with ye f'r some time to come. A mustard plasther,
Hinnissy, is th' rale test iv whether a pain is goin' to kill ye or not.
If the plasther is onbearable ye can bet th' pain undherneath it is not.

"But ye know ye are goin' to die an' ye're not sure whether ye'll send
f'r Father Kelly or th' doctor. Ye finally decide to save up Father
Kelly f'r th' last an' ye sind f'r th' Dock. Havin' rescued ye fr'm th'
jaws iv death two or three times befure whin ye had a sick headache th'
Dock takes his time about comin', but just as ye are beginnin' to throw
ye'er boots at th' clock an' show other signs iv what he calls rigem
mortar, he rides up in his fine horse an' buggy. He gets out slowly, one
foot at a time, hitches his horse an' ties a nose bag on his head. Thin
he chats f'r two hundherd years with th' polisman on th' beat. He tells
him a good story an' they laugh harshly.

"Whin th' polisman goes his way th' Dock meets th' good woman at th'
dure an' they exchange a few wurruds about th' weather, th' bad
condition iv th' sthreets, th' health iv Mary Ann since she had th'
croup an' ye'ersilf. Ye catch th' wurruds, 'Grape Pie,' 'Canned Salmon,'
'Cast-iron digestion.' Still he doesn't come up. He tells a few stories
to th' childher. He weighs th' youngest in his hands an' says: 'That's a
fine boy ye have, Mrs. Hinnissy. I make no doubt he'll grow up to be a
polisman.' He examines th' phottygraft album an' asks if that isn't
so-an'-so. An' all this time ye lay writhin' in mortal agony an' sayin'
to ye'ersilf: 'Inhuman monsther, to lave me perish here while he chats
with a callous woman that I haven't said annything but What? to f'r
twinty years.'

"Ye begin to think there's a conspiracy against ye to get ye'er money
befure he saunters into th' room an' says in a gay tone: 'Well, what
d'ye mane be tyin' up wan iv th' gr-reat industhrees iv our nation be
stayin' away fr'm wurruk f'r a day?' 'Dock,' says ye in a feeble voice,
'I have a tur'ble pain in me abdumdum. It reaches fr'm here to here,'
makin' a rough sketch iv th' burned disthrict undher th' blanket. 'I
felt it comin' on last night but I didn't say annything f'r fear iv
alarmin' me wife, so I simply groaned,' says ye.

"While ye ar-re describin' ye'er pangs, he walks around th' room lookin'
at th' pictures. Afther ye've got through he comes over an says: 'Lave
me look at ye'er tongue. 'Hum,' he says, holdin' ye'er wrist an' bowin'
through th' window to a frind iv his on a sthreet car. 'Does that
hurt?' he says, stabbin' ye with his thumbs in th' suburbs iv th' pain.
'Ye know it does,' says ye with a groan. 'Don't do that again. Ye
scratched me.' He hurls ye'er wrist back at ye an' stands at th' window
lookin' out at th' firemen acrost th' sthreet playin' dominoes. He says
nawthin' to ye an' ye feel like th' prisoner while th' foreman iv th'
jury is fumblin' in his inside pocket f'r th' verdict. Ye can stand it
no longer. 'Dock,' says he, 'is it annything fatal? I'm not fit to die
but tell me th' worst an' I will thry to bear it. 'Well,' says he, 'ye
have a slight interioritis iv th' semi-colon. But this purscription
ought to fix ye up all right. Ye'd betther take it over to th' dhrug
sthore an' have it filled ye'ersilf. In th' manetime I'd advise ye to be
careful iv ye'er dite. I wudden't ate annything with glass or a large
percintage iv plasther iv Paris in it.' An' he goes away to write his
bill.

"I wondher why ye can always read a doctor's bill an' ye niver can read
his purscription. F'r all ye know, it may be a short note to th'
dhruggist askin' him to hit ye on th' head with a pestle. An' it's a
good thing ye can't read it. If ye cud, ye'd say: 'I'll not cash this in
at no dhrug store. I'll go over to Dooley's an' get th' rale thing.' So,
afther thryin' to decipher this here corner iv a dhress patthern, ye
climb into ye'er clothes f'r what may be ye'er last walk up Ar-rchy
Road. As ye go along ye begin to think that maybe th' Dock knows ye have
th' Asiatic cholery an' was onl'y thryin' to jolly ye with his manner iv
dealin' with ye. As ye get near th' dhrug store ye feel sure iv it, an'
'tis with th' air iv a man without hope that ye hand th' paper to a
young pharmycist who is mixin' a two-cent stamp f'r a lady customer. He
hands it over to a scientist who is compoundin' an ice-cream soda f'r a
child, with th' remark: 'O'Leary's writin' is gettin' worse an' worse. I
can't make this out at all.' 'Oh,' says th' chemist, layin' down his
spoon, 'that's his old cure f'r th' bellyache. Ye'll find a bucket iv
it in th' back room next to th' coal scuttle.'

"It's a gr-reat medicine he give ye. It will do ye good no matther what
ye do with it. I wud first thry poorin' some iv it in me hair. If that
don't help ye see how far ye can throw th' bottle into th' river. Ye
feel betther already. Ye ought to write to th' medical journals about
th' case. It is a remarkable cure. 'M---- H---- was stricken with
excruciating tortures in th' gastric regions followin' an unusually
severe outing in th' counthry. F'r a time it looked as though it might
be niciss'ry to saw out th' infected area, but as this wud lave an ugly
space between legs an' chin, it was determined to apply Jam. Gin.
VIII. Th' remedy acted instantly. Afther carryin' th' bottle uncorked
f'r five minyits in his inside pocket th' patient showed signs iv
recovery an' is now again in his accustomed health.'

"Yes, sir, if I was a doctor I'd be ayether laughin' or cryin' all th'
time. I'd be laughin' over th' cases that I was called into whin I
wasn't needed an' cryin' over th' cases where I cud do no good. An'
that wud be most iv me cases.

"Dock O'Leary comes in here often an' talks medicine to me. 'Ye'ers is a
very thrying pro-fissyon,' says I. 'It is,' says he. 'I'm tired out,'
says he. 'Have ye had a good manny desprit cases to-day?' says I. 'It
isn't that,' says he, 'but I'm not a very muscular man,' he says, 'an'
some iv th' windows in these old frame houses are hard to open,' he
says. Th' Dock don't believe much in dhrugs. He says that if he wasn't
afraid iv losin' his practice he wudn't give annybody annything but
quinine an' he isn't sure about that. He says th' more he practises
medicine th' more he becomes a janitor with a knowledge iv cookin'. He
says if people wud on'y call him in befure they got sick, he'd abolish
ivry disease in th' ward except old age an' pollyticks. He says he's
lookin' forward to th' day whin th' tillyphone will ring an' he'll hear
a voice sayin': 'Hurry up over to Hinnissy's. He niver felt so well in
his life.' 'All right, I'll be over as soon as I can hitch up th'
horse. Take him away fr'm th' supper table at wanst, give him a pipeful
iv tobacco an' walk him three times around th' block.'

"But whin a man's sick, he's sick an' nawthin' will cure him or
annything will. In th' old days befure ye an' I were born, th' doctor
was th' barber too. He'd shave ye, cut ye'er hair, dye ye'er mustache,
give ye a dhry shampoo an' cure ye iv appindicitis while ye were havin'
ye'er shoes shined be th' naygur. Ivry gineration iv doctors has had
their favrite remedies. Wanst people were cured iv fatal maladies be
applications iv blind puppies, hair fr'm the skulls iv dead men an'
solutions iv bat's wings, just as now they're cured be dhrinkin' a
tayspoonful iv a very ordhinary article iv booze that's had some kind iv
a pizenous weed dissolved in it.

"Dhrugs, says Dock O'Leary, are a little iv a pizen that a little more
iv wud kill ye. He says that if ye look up anny poplar dhrug in th'
ditchnry ye'll see that it is 'A very powerful pizen of great use in
medicine.' I took calomel at his hands f'r manny years till he told me
that it was about the same thing they put into Rough on Rats. Thin I
stopped. If I've got to die, I want to die on th' premises.

"But, as he tells me, ye can't stop people from takin' dhrugs an' ye
might as well give thim something that will look important enough to be
inthrojuced to their important an' fatal cold in th' head. If ye don't,
they'll leap f'r the patent medicines. Mind ye, I haven't got annything
to say again patent medicines. If a man wud rather take thim thin dhrink
at a bar or go down to Hop Lung's f'r a long dhraw, he's within his
rights. Manny a man have I known who was a victim iv th' tortures iv a
cigareet cough who is now livin' comfortable an' happy as an opeem fiend
be takin' Doctor Wheezo's Consumption Cure. I knew a fellow wanst who
suffered fr'm spring fever to that extent that he niver did a day's
wurruk. To-day, afther dhrinkin' a bottle of Gazooma, he will go home
not on'y with th' strenth but th' desire to beat his wife. There is a
dhrug store on ivry corner an' they're goin' to dhrive out th' saloons
onless th' govermint will let us honest merchants put a little cocaine
or chloral in our cough-drops an' advertise that it will cure spinal
minigitis. An' it will, too, f'r awhile."

"Don't ye iver take dhrugs?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Niver whin I'm well," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I'm sick, I'm so sick I'd
take annything."




A BROKEN FRIENDSHIP


"Hogan was in here just now," said Mr. Dooley, "an' he tells me he was
talkin' with th' Alderman an' they both agreed we're sure to have war
with th' Japs inside iv two years. They can see it comin'. Befure very
long thim little brown hands acrost th' sea will hand us a crack in th'
eye an' thin ye'll see throuble."

"What's it all about?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Divvle a thing can I make out iv it," said Mr. Dooley. "Hogan says
we've got to fight f'r th' supreemacy iv th' Passyfic. Much fightin' I'd
do f'r an ocean, but havin' taken th' Philippeens, which ar-re a blamed
nuisance, an th' Sandwich Islands, that're about as vallyable as a toy
balloon to a horse-shoer, we've got to grab a lot iv th' surroundin'
dampness to protect thim. That's wan reason why we're sure to have war.
Another reason is that th' Japs want to sind their little
forty-five-year-old childher to be iddycated in th' San Francisco public
schools. A third reason why it looks like war to Hogan an' th' Alderman
is that they'd been dhrinkin' together.

"Wud ye iver have thought 'twas possible that anny wan in this counthry
cud even talk iv war with thim delightful, cunning little Oryentals?
Why, 'tis less thin two years since Hogan was comin' home fr'm th'
bankit iv th' Union iv Usurers with his arms around th' top iv a Jap's
head while th' Jap clutched Hogan affectionately about th' waist an'
they sung 'Gawd Save th' Mickydoo.' D'ye raymimber how we hollered with
joy whin a Rooshyan Admiral put his foot through th' bottom iv a
man-iv-war an' sunk it. An' how we cheered in th' theaytre to see th'
cute little sojers iv th' Mickydoo mowin' down th' brutal Rooshyan
moojiks with masheen guns. An' fin'lly, whin th' Japs had gone a
thousand miles into Rooshyan territory an' were about busted an' ayether
had to stop fightin' or not have car fare home, our worthy Prisident, ye
know who I mean, jumped to th' front an' cried: 'Boys, stop it. It's
gone far enough to satisfy th' both iv ye.' An th' angel iv peace
brooded over th' earth an' crowed lustily.

"Day after day th' pa-apers come out an' declared, in th' column next to
th' half-page ad iv th' Koppenheimer bargain sale, that th' defeat iv
Rooshya was a judgment iv th' Lord on th' Czar. If ye saw a Jap
annywhere, ye asked him to take a dhrink.

"Hogan talked about nawthin' else. They were a wondherful little people.
How they had diviloped! Nawthin' in th' histhry iv th' wurruld was akel
to th' way they'd come up. They cud shoot straighter an' oftener thin
anny other nation. A Jap cud march three hundred miles a day f'r eight
days with nawthin' to eat. They were highly civvylized. It was an old
civvylization but not tainted be age. Millyons iv years befure th'
first white man set fut in Milwaukee th' Japs undhershtud th'
mannyfacther iv patent wringers, sewin'-masheens, reapers, tillyphones,
autymobills, ice-cream freezers, an' all th' other wondhers iv our
boasted Westhren divilopement.

"Their customs showed how highly they'd been civvylized. Whin a Jap
soldier was defeated, rather thin surrendher an' be sint home to have
his head cut off, he wud stab himself in th' stummick. Their treatment
iv women put thim on a higher plane thin ours. Cinchries ago befure th'
higher iddycation iv women was dhreamed iv in this counthry, th' poorest
man in Japan cud sind his daughter to a tea-house, which is th' same as
our female siminaries, where she remained till she gradyated as th' wife
iv some proud noble iv th' old Samuri push.

"Their art had ours thrimmed to a frazzle. Th' Jap artist O'Casey's
pitcher iv a lady leanin' on a river while a cow walked up her back,
was th' loveliest thing in th' wurruld. They were th' gr-reatest
athletes iver known. A Japanese child with rickets cud throw Johnson
over a church. They had a secret iv rasslin' be which a Jap rassler cud
blow on his opponent's eyeball an' break his ankle. They were th' finest
soordsmen that iver'd been seen. Whin a Japanese soordsman wint into a
combat he made such faces that his opponent dhropped his soord an' thin
he uttered a bloodcurdlin' cry, waved his soord four hundhred an' fifty
times over th' head iv th' victim or in th' case iv a Samuri eight
hundred an' ninety-six, give a whoop resimblin' our English wurrud
'tag,' an' clove him to th' feet. As with us, on'y th' lower classes
engaged in business. Th' old arrystocracy distained to thrade but
started banks an' got all th' money. Th' poor man had a splendid chance.
He cud devote his life to paintin' wan rib iv a fan, f'r which he got
two dollars, or he cud become a cab horse. An' even in th' wan branch iv
art that Westhren civvylization is supposed to excel in, they had us
beat miles. They were th' gr-reatest liars in th' wurruld an' formerly
friends iv th' Prisidint.

"All these here things I heerd fr'm Hogan an' see in th' pa-apers. I
invied this wondherful nation. I wisht, sometimes, th' Lord hadn't given
me two blue an' sometimes red eyes an' this alkiline nose, but a nose
like an ear an' a couple iv shoe-buttons f'r eyes. I wanted to be a Jap
an' belong to th' higher civvylization. Hogan had a Jap frind that used
to come in here with him. Hogan thought he was a Prince, but he was a
cook an' a student in a theelogical siminry. They'd talk be th' hour
about th' beauties iv what Hogan called th' Flowery Kingdom. 'Oh,
wondherful land,' says Hogan. 'Land iv chrysanthymums an' cherry
blossoms a' gasyhee girls,' says he. 'Japan is a beautiful land,' says
Prince Okoko. 'Nippon, (that's th' name it goes by at home,) Nippon, I
salute ye,' says Hogan. 'May victhry perch upon ye'er banners, an' may
ye hammer our old frinds an' allies fr'm Mookden to Moscow. Banzai,'
says he. An' they embraced. That night, in ordher to help on th' cause,
Hogan bought a blue flower-pot fr'm th' Prince's collection f'r eighteen
dollars. He took it home undher his ar-rm in th' rain an' th' next
mornin' most iv th' flower-pot was on his new overcoat an' th' rest was
meltin' all over th' flure.

"That was the beginnin' iv th' end iv th' frindship between th' two
gr-reat nations that owe thimselves so much. About th' time Hogan got
th' flower-pot, th' fire-sale ads an' th' Rooshyan outrage news both
stopped in th' newspa-apers. A well-known fi-nanceer who thravelled to
Tokeeo with a letter iv inthraduction to th' Mickydoo fr'm th' Prisidint
beginnin' 'Dear mick,' got a brick put through his hat as he wint to
visit th' foorth assistant to th' manicure iv th' eighth assistant to
th' plumber iv th' bricklayer iv th' Mickydoo, which is th' nearest to
his Majesty that foreign eyes ar-re permitted to look upon. A little
later a number iv Americans in private life who wint over to rayceive
in person th' thanks iv th' Impror f'r what they'd done f'r him talkin'
ar-round th' bar at th' Union League Club, were foorced be th' warmth iv
their rayciption to take refuge in th' house iv th' Rooshyan counsel.
Th' next month some iv th' subjects iv our life-long frind an' ally were
shot while hookin' seals fr'm our side iv th' Passyfic. Next week a
prom'nent Jap'nese statesman was discovered payin' a socyal visit to th'
Ph'lippeens. He had with him at th' time two cameras, a couple iv line
men, surveyin' tools, a thousand feet iv tape line, an' a bag iv
dinnymite bombs. Last month th' Jap'nese Governmint wrote to th'
Prisidint: 'Most gracious an' bewilderin' Majesty, Impror iv th' Sun,
austere an' patient Father iv th' Stars, it has come to our benign
attintion that in wan iv ye'er populous domains our little prattlin'
childher who ar-re over forty years iv age ar-re not admitted to th'
first reader classes in th' public schools. Oh, brother beloved, we
adore ye. Had ye not butted in with ye'er hivenly binivolence we wud've
shook Rooshya down f'r much iv her hateful money. Now we must prove our
affection with acts. It is our intintion to sind a fleet to visit ye'er
shores, partickly San Francisco, where we undherstand th' school system
is well worth studyin'.'

"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. Th' frindship ceminted two years ago with
blood an' beers is busted. I don't know whether annything will happen.
Hogan thinks so, but I ain't sure. Th' Prisidint has announced that
rather thin see wan octoginaryan Jap prevented fr'm larnin' his
a-bee-abs he will divastate San Francisco with fire, flood, dinnymite,
an' personalities. But San Francisco has had a pretty good bump lately
an' wud hardly tur-rn over in its sleep f'r an invasion. Out there
they're beginnin' to talk about what nice people th' Chinese ar-re
compared with our old frinds an' allies. They say that th' Jap'nese grow
up too fast f'r their childher, an' that 'tis no pleasant sight to see a
Jap'nese pupil combin' a set iv gray whiskers an' larnin', 'Mary had a
little lamb,' and if th' Prisidint wants thim to enther th' schools
he'll have to load thim in a cannon an' shoot thim in."

"We'd bate thim in a fight," said Mr. Hennessy. "They cudden't stand up
befure a gr-reat, sthrong nation like ours."

"We think we're gr-reat an' sthrong," said Mr. Dooley. "But maybe we
on'y look fat to thim. Annyhow, we might roll on thim. Wudden't it be
th' grand thing, though, if they licked us an' we signed a threaty iv
peace with thim an' with tears iv humilyation in our eyes handed thim
th' Ph'lippeens!"




THE ARMY CANTEEN


"I seen big Doherty runnin' in a sojer to-day an' 'twas a fine sight.
Th' sojer was fr'm th' County Kerry an' had a thrip an' Doherty is th'
champeen catch-as-catch-can rassler iv Camp Twinty-eight. He had a
little th' worst iv it, f'r he cud on'y get a neck holt, th' warryor
havin' no slack to his pants, but he landed him at last. 'Twas gr-reat
to see thim doin' a cart-wheel down th' sthreet."

"Was th' sojer under th' influence?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Ye might say he was," said Mr. Dooley. "That is, ye might say so if ye
didn't know that th' dhrinkin' habits iv' th' army have been rayformed.
Didn't ye know they were? They ar-re. Yes, sir. Th' motto iv our brave
fellows is now 'Away, away, th' bowl,' 'Tis 'Wine f'r th' thremblin'
debauchee, but water, pure water, f'r me,' 'Tis 'Father, dear father,
come home with me now.' An' who did it? Who is it that improves men an'
makes thim more ladylike, an' thin quits thim, but th' ladies? This here
reform was carried out be th' Young Ladies' Christyan Tim'prance Union,
no less. Ye see, 'twas this way. F'r manny years it's been th' theery
that dhrink an' fightin' wint arm-in-arm. If ye dhrank ye fought; if ye
fought ye drank to fight again. As Hogan says, Mars, who was th' gawd iv
war, was no good onless he was pushed into throuble be Backis, the gawd
iv dhrink. About th' time Mars was r-ready to quit an' go home to do th'
Spring plowin', Backis handed him a jigger iv kerosene an' says: 'That
fellow over there is leerin' at ye. Ar-re ye goin' to stand that?' an'
Mars bustled in. Th' barkeeper an' th' banker ar-re behind ivry war.

"Well, in former times th' Governmint kept a saloon f'r th' sojers. Up
at Fort Shurdan they had a ginmill where th' warryors cud go an' besot
thimsilves with bottled beer an' dominoes. It was a sad sight to see
thim grim heroes, survivors iv a thousand marches through th' damp
sthreets on Decoration Day, settin' in these temples iv hell an'
swillin' down th' hated cochineel that has made Milwaukee what it is. To
this palace iv vice th' inthrepid definder iv his Nation's honor
hastened whin he had completed th' arjoos round iv his jooties, after he
had pressed th' Lootinant's clothes, curried th' Captain's horse, mended
th' roof iv th' Major's house, watered th' geeranyums f'r th' Colonel's
wife, an' written his daily letter to th' paper complainin' about th'
food. There he sat an' dhrank an' fought over his old battles with th'
cook an' recalled th' name that he give whin he first enlisted an'
thried to think who it was he married in Fort Leavenworth, ontil th'
bugle summoned him to th' awful carnage called supper.

"Well, sir, 'twas dhreadful. We opposed it as much as we cud. As a
dillygate to th' Binivolent Assoeyation iv Saloon Keepers iv America
I've helped to pass manny resolutions to save our brave boys in yellow
fr'm th' insidyous foe that robs thim iv what intellicts they show be
goin' into the army. Our organ-ization petitioned Congress time an' time
again to take th' Governmint out iv this vile poorsoot that was sappin'
th' very vitals iv our sojery. Why, we asked, shud Uncle Sam engage in
this thraffic in th' souls iv men without payin' f'r a license, whin
dacint citizens were puttin' up their good money a block away an' niver
a soul comin' down fr'm th' fort to be thrafficked in? Did Congress pay
anny attintion to us? It did not.

"But wan day a comity iv ladies fr'm th' Young Ladies' Christyan
Timp'rance Union wint out to th' fort. They'd seen th' Colonel at th'
last p'rade an' they'd decided that 'twas high time they disthributed
copies iv 'Death in th' Bottle; or, Th' Booze-Fighter's Finish,' among
our sojery. Whin they got up there they seen a large bunch iv our
gallant fellows makin' a dash f'r an outlyin' building, an' says wan iv
thim: 'What can they be in such a hurry f'r? That must be th' chapel.
Let us go in.' An' in they wint.

"Hinnissy, th' sight that met their young an' unaccustomed eyes was
enough to shock even a lady lookin' f'r throuble. Th' air was gray an'
blue with th' fumes iv that heejous weed that has made mankind happy
though single f'r four hundred years, an' that next to alcohol is th'
greatest curse iv th' sons iv Adam. Some iv th' wretches were playin'
cards, properly called th' Divvle's bible; others were indulgin' in
music, that lure iv th' Evil Wan f'r idleness, while still others were
intint on th' furyous game iv dominoes, whose feet take hold on hell.
But worse, still worse, they saw through their girlish spectacles dimmed
with unbidden tears. F'r in front iv each iv these war-battered vethrans
shtud a bottle, in some cases bar'ly half filled with a brownish-yellow
flood with bubbles on top iv it. What was it, says ye? Hardened as I am
to dhrink iv ivry kind, I hesitate to mention th' wurrud. But
concealment is useless. 'Twas beer. These brave men, employed be th'
taxpayer iv America to defind th' hearths iv th' tax-dodger iv America,
supposed be all iv us to have consicrated their lives to upholdin' th'
flag, were at heart votaries, as Hogan says, iv Aloes, gawd iv beer.

"F'r a moment th' ladies shtud dumfounded. But they did not remain long
in this unladylike attichood. Th' Chairwoman iv th' dillygation
recovered her voice an', advancin' to'rd a Sergeant who was thryin' to
skin a pair iv fours down so that it wud look like a jack full to his
ineebryated opponent, she said: 'Me brave man, d'ye ralize that that
bottle is full iv th' Seed iv Desthruction?' she says. 'I think ye'er
wrong, mum,' says he. 'It's Pilsener,' he says. 'Soon or late,' she
says, 'th' Demon Rum will desthroy ye,' she says. 'Not me,' says th'
vethran iv a thousand enlistments. 'I don't care f'r rum. A pleasant
companyon, but a gossip. It tells on ye. Th' Demon Rum with a little iv
th' Demon Hot Water an' th' Demon Sugar is very enticin', but it has a
perfume to it that is dangerous to a married man like mesilf. Rum,
madam, is an informer. Don't niver take it. I agree with ye that it's a
demon,' says he. 'Why,' says she, 'do ye drink this dhreadful poison?'
says she. 'Because,' says th' brave fellow, 'I can't get annything
sthronger without desertin,' he says.

"An' they wint down to Washington to see th' Congressmen. Ye know what a
Congressman is. I've made a few right here in this barroom. Th' on'y
thing a Congressman isn't afraid iv is th' on'y thing I'd be afraid iv,
an' that is iv bein' a Congressman. An' th' thing he's most afraid iv is
th' ladies. A comity iv ladies wud make Congress repeal th' ten
commandments. Not that they'd iver ask thim to, Hinnissy. They'd make
thim ten thousand if they had their way an' mark thim: 'F'r men on'y.'
But, annyhow, th' ladies comity wint down to Washin'ton. They'd been
there befure an' dhriven th' Demon Rum fr'm th' resthrant into a lair
in th' comity room. A Congressman came out, coughin' behind his hand,
an' put his handkerchief into th' northwest corner iv his coat.
'Ladies,' says he, 'what can I do f'r ye?' he says. 'Ye must save th'
ar-rmy fr'm th' malt that biteth like a wasp an' stingeth like an
adder,' says they. 'Ye bet ye'er life I will, ladies,' says th'
Congressman with a slight hiccup. 'I will do as ye desire. A sojer that
will dhrink beer is a disgrace to th' American jag,' he says. 'We
abolished public dhrinkin' in th' capitol,' he says. 'We done it to make
th' Sinitors onhappy, but thim hardened tools iv predytory wealth have
ordhered ink wells made in th' shape iv decanters. But,' he says, 'th'
popylar branch iv th' Naytional Ligislachure is not to be outdone. Ye
see these panels on th' wall? I touch a button an' out pops a bottle iv
Bourbon that wud make ye'er eyes dance. Whoop-ee!'

"So Congress passed a bill abolishin' th' canteen. An' it's all right
now. If a sojer wants to desthroy himself he has to walk a block. Some
iv me enterprisin' colleagues in th' business have opened places
convenient to th' fort where th' sons iv Mars, instead iv th' corroding
beer, can get annything fr'm sulphuric acid to knock-out dhrops. I see
wan iv thim stockin' up at a wholesale dhrug store last week. If the
sojers escape th' knock-out dhrops they come down-town an' Doherty takes
care iv thim. A sojer gets thirteen dollars a month, we'll say. Twelve
dollars he can devote to dhrink an' wan dollar to th' fine. Twelve times
eight hundhred an' twelve times that--well, 'tis no small item in th'
coorse iv a year. Whin th' Binivolent Assocyation iv Saloonkeepers holds
its next meeting I'm goin' to propose to send dillygates to th' Young
Ladies Christyan Timp'rance Union. It ought to be what th' unions call
an affilyated organization."

"Oh, well," said Mr. Hennessy, "they think they're doin' what's right."

"An' they ar-re," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye'll not find me defindin' th'
sellin' iv dhrink to anny man annywhere. There's no wan that's as much
iv a timp'rance man as a man that's been in my business f'r a year. I'd
give up all th' fun I get out iv dhrinkin' men to escape th' throuble I
have fr'm dhrunkards. Drink's a poison. I don't deny it. I'll admit I'm
no betther thin an ordinhry doctor. Both iv us gives ye something that
cures ye iv th' idee that th' pain in ye'er chest is pnoomony iv th'
lungs. If it really is pnoomony ye go off somewhere an' lie down an'
ayether ye cure ye'ersilf iv pnoomony or th' pnoomony cures ye iv life.
Dhrink niver made a man betther, but it has made manny a man think he
was betther. A little iv it lifts ye out iv th' mud where chance has
thrown ye; a little more makes ye think th' stains on ye'er coat ar-re
eppylets; a little more dhrops ye back into th' mud again. It's a frind
to thim that ar-re cold to it an' an inimy to those that love it most.
It welcomes thim in an' thrips thim as they go out. I tell ye 'tis a
threacherous dhrug an' it oughtn't to be given to ivry man.

"To get a dhrink a man ought first to be examined be his parish priest
to see whether he needs it an' how it's goin' to affect him. F'r wan man
he'd write on th' prescription 'Ad lib,' as Dock O'Leary does whin he
ordhers a mustard plasther f'r me; f'r another he'd write: 'Three times
a day at meals.' But most people he wudden't prescribe it f'r at all.

"Do I blame th' ladies? Faith, I do not. Ye needn't think I'm proud iv
me business. I only took to it because I am too selfish to be a mechanic
an' too tender-hearted to be a banker or a lawyer. No, sir, I wudden't
care a sthraw if all th' dhrink in th' wurruld was dumped to-morrah into
th' Atlantic Ocean, although f'r a week or two afther it was I'd have to
get me a diving suit if I wanted to see annything iv me frinds.

"No, sir; th' ladies ar-re not to blame. They've always thried to reform
man, an' they haven't yet got onto th' fact that maybe he's not worth
reformin'. They don't undherstan' why a man shud be allowed to pizen
himsilf into th' belief that he amounts to something, but thin they
don't undherstand man. They little know what a bluff he is an' how 'tis
on'y be fortifyin' himsilf with stuff that they regard as iv no use
except to burn undher a tea-kettle that he dares to go on livin' at all.
He knows how good dhrink makes him look to himsilf, an' he dhrinks. They
see how it makes him look to ivrybody else, an' they want to take it
away fr'm him. Whin he's sober his bluff is on th' outside. Whin he's
dhrunk he makes th' bluff to his own heart. Dhrink turns him inside out
as well as upside down, an' while he's congratulatin' himsilf on th'
fine man he is, th' neighbors know him f'r a boaster, a cow'rd, an'
something iv a liar. That th' ladies see an' hate. They do not know that
there is wan thing an' on'y wan thing to be said in favor iv dhrink, an'
that is that it has caused manny a lady to be loved that otherwise
might've died single."

"They're all right, said Mr. Hennessy. I'm against it."

"Yes," said Mr. Dooley. "Anny man is against dhrink that's iver been
really against it."




THINGS SPIRITUAL


"Th' latest thing in science," said Mr. Dooley, "is weighin' th' human
soul. A fellow up in Matsachoosetts has done it. He weighs ye befure ye
die an' he weighs ye afther ye die, an' th' diff'rence is what ye'er
soul weighs. He's discovered that th' av'rage weight iv a soul in New
England is six ounces or a little less. Fr'm this he argies that th'
conscience isn't part iv th' soul. If it was th' soul wud be in th'
heavyweight class, f'r th' New England conscience is no feather. He
thinks it don't escape with th' soul, but lies burrid in th' roons iv
its old fam'ly home--th' liver.

"It's so simple it must be true, an' if it ain't true, annyhow it's
simple. But it's a tur-rble thing to think iv. I can't see anny money in
it as an invintion. Who'll want to have his soul weighed? Suppose ye'er
time has come. Th' fam'ly ar-re busy with their own thoughts, grievin'
because they hadn't been as good to ye as they might, because they won't
have ye with thim anny more, because it's too late f'r thim to square
thimsilves, pityin' ye because ye'er not remainin' to share their
sorrows with thim, wondhrin' whether th' black dhresses that were bought
in honor iv what people might have said if they hadn't worn thim in
mimry iv Aunt Eliza, wud be noticed if they were worn again f'r ye. Th'
very young mimbers iv th' fam'ly ar-re standin' around, thryin' to look
as sad as they think they ought to look. But they can't keep it up. They
nudge each other, their eyes wandher around th' room, an' fr'm time to
time they glance over at Cousin Felix an' expect him to make a laugh'ble
face. He's a gr-reat frind iv theirs an' they're surprised he isn't
gayer. Something must've happened to him. Maybe he's lost his job. There
ar-re a gr-reat manny noises in th' sthreet. Th' undertaker whistles as
he goes by, an' two iv th' neighbors ar-re at th' gate sayin' what a
fine man ye were if ye didn't dhrink, an' askin' did ye leave much.

"An' little ye care. Everything is a millyon miles away fr'm ye. F'r th'
first time in ye'er life ye're alone. F'r the first time in ye'er life
ye ar-re ye'ersilf. F'r Hiven knows how manny years ye've been somebody
else. Ye've been ye'er wife, ye'er fam'ly, ye'er relations, th' polisman
on th' beat, th' doctor, th' newspaper reporther, th' foreman at th'
mills, th' laws iv th' land, th' bartinder that gives ye dhrinks, th'
tailor, th' barber, an' public opinion. Th' wurruld has held a
lookin'-glass in front iv ye fr'm th' day ye were born an' compelled ye
to make faces in it. But in this here particular business ye have no wan
to please but ye'ersilf. Good opinyon an' bad opinyon ar-re alike. Ye're
akelly unthroubled be gratichood an' revenge. No wan can help ye or stay
ye. Ye're beyond th' sound iv th' alarm clock an' th' facthry whistle
an' beginnin' th' Big Day Off whin th' man iv Science shakes ye be th'
elbow an' says: 'Ye've got to weigh out.' An' he weighs figures: 'Wan
hundhred an' forty-siven fr'm wan hundhred an' fifty. Siven fr'm naught
can't be done; borry wan; siven fr'm ten leaves three. I find that th'
soul iv our late laminted frind weighed a light three pounds
avirdoopoise.'

"No, sir, it won't do. 'Twill niver be popylar. People won't have their
souls weighed. I wudden't f'r all th' wurruld have th' wurrud go through
th' ward: 'Did ye hear about Dooley's soul?' 'No, what?' 'They had to
get an expert accountant to figure its weight, it was that puny.'

"D'ye suppose Dorgan, th' millyonaire, wud consint to it? Whin he
entered th' race iv life he was properly handicapped with a soul to
offset his avarice an' his ability, so that some iv th' rest iv us wud
have a kind iv a show again him. But as soon as he thinks no wan can see
him he begins to get rid iv his weight an' comes rompin' home miles
ahead. But th' judges say: 'Hold on, there; yell have to weigh out,' an'
a little later a notice is posted up that Dorgan is disqualified f'r
ridin' undherweight in th' matther iv soul. On th' other hand, there's
little Miss Maddigan, th' seamstress. She's all but left at th' post;
she's jostled all th' way around, an' comes in lame, a bad last. But
she's th' only wan iv th' lot that's kept th' weight. She weighs
ninety-six pounds--six iv it bein' tea an' toast an ninety iv it soul.

"No, sir, whin it comes to goin' up to th' scales to have their souls
weighed people'll be as shy as they are in a Customs House. Th' people
that wud make th' invintion pay wud be th' last to want to be tested by
it. Th' pa-apers might keep records iv th' results: 'Misther So-an'-so,
th' gr-reat captain iv finance, died yesterday, universally regretted.
His estate amounts to nineteen millyon dollars. There ar-re two large
bequests to charity. Wan is a thrust fund set aside f'r his maiden
sister Annybelle, who will receive f'r life th' income on eight
hundhred dollars in stock iv th' Hackensack Meadows Comp'ny. Th' other
is forty-two dollars to buy a wooden leg f'r his brother Isaac, it bein'
undherstood that no charge is to be made be th' estate against th'
brother f'r a set iv false teeth bought f'r him in th' year nineteen
four. Th' balance iv th' property is left in trust f'r th' minor
childher until they ar-re 90 years old. Th' deceased requested that his
soul be measured be troy weight. It tipped th' beam at wan
pennyweight.'"

"D'ye think th' soul can be weighed?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I know it's
there, but I think--I kind iv feel--I wondher--I don't hardly know--"

"I see what ye mean" said Mr. Dooley. "Scales an' clocks ar-re not to be
thrusted to decide annything that's worth deciding. Who tells time be a
clock? Ivry hour is th' same to a clock an' ivry hour is different to
me. Wan long, wan short. There ar-re hours in th' avenin' that pass
between two ticks iv th' clock; there ar-re hours in th' arly mornin'
whin a man can't sleep that Methusalah's age cud stretch in. Clocks
ar-re habichool liars, an' so ar-re scales. As soon as annything gets
good enough to weigh ye can't weigh it. Scales ar-re f'r th' other
fellow. I'm perfectly willin' to take ye'er weight or ye'er soul's
weight fr'm what th' scales say. Little I care. A pound or two more or
less makes no diff'rence. But when it comes to measurin' something
that's precious to me, I'll not thrust it to a slight improvement on a
see-saw.

"But what do I know about it, annyhow? What do I know about annything?
I've been pitchin' information into ye f'r more years thin anny wan iver
wint to colledge, an' I tell ye now I don't know annything about
annything. I don't like to thrust mesilf forward. I'm a modest man.
Won't somebody else get up? Won't ye get up, Tiddy Rosenfelt; won't ye,
Willum Jennings Bryan; won't ye, Prisidint Eliot; won't ye, pro-fissors,
preachers, doctors, lawyers, iditors? Won't annybody get up? Won't
annybody say that they don't know annything about annything worth
knowin' about? Thin, be Hivens, I will. All alone I'll stand up befure
me class an' say: 'Hinnissy, about annything that can't be weighed on a
scales or measured with a tape line I'm as ign'rant as--ye'ersilf. I'll
have to pay ye back th' money I took fr'm ye f'r ye'er schoolin'. It was
obtained be false pretences.'

"How can I know annything, whin I haven't puzzled out what I am mesilf.
I am Dooley, ye say, but ye're on'y a casual obsarver. Ye don't care
annything about me details. Ye look at me with a gin'ral eye. Nawthin'
that happens to me really hurts ye. Ye say, 'I'll go over to see
Dooley,' sometimes, but more often ye say, 'I'll go over to Dooley's.'
I'm a house to ye, wan iv a thousand that look like a row iv model
wurrukin'men's cottages. I'm a post to hitch ye'er silences to. I'm
always about th' same to ye. But to me I'm a millyon Dooleys an' all iv
thim sthrangers to ME. I niver know which wan iv thim is comin' in. I'm
like a hotel keeper with on'y wan bed an' a millyon guests, who come wan
at a time an' tumble each other out. I set up late at night an' pass th'
bottle with a gay an' careless Dooley that hasn't a sorrow in th'
wurruld, an' suddenly I look up an' see settin' acrost fr'm me a gloomy
wretch that fires th' dhrink out iv th' window an' chases me to bed. I'm
just gettin' used to him whin another Dooley comes in, a cross,
cantankerous, crazy fellow that insists on eatin' breakfast with me. An'
so it goes. I know more about mesilf than annybody knows an' I know
nawthin'. Though I'd make a map fr'm mem'ry an' gossip iv anny other
man, f'r mesilf I'm still uncharted.

"So what's th' use iv thryin' to know annything less important. Don't
thry. All ye've got to do is to believe what ye hear, an' if ye do that
enough, afther a while ye'll hear what ye believe. Ye've got to start in
believin' befure ye can find a reason f'r ye'er belief. Our old frind
Christopher Columbus hadn't anny good reason f'r believin' that there
was anny such a place as America. But he believed it without a reason
an' thin wint out an' found it. Th' fellows that discovered th' canals
on Mars which other fellows think cud be cured be a good oculist, hadn't
anny right to think there were canals on Mars. But wan iv thim said: 'I
wondher if there ar-re canals on Mars; I believe there ar-re. I'll look
an' see. Be Hivens, there ar-re.' If he'd wondhered an' thin believed
about clothes poles he'd've found thim too. Anny kind iv a fact is proof
iv a belief. A firm belief atthracts facts. They come out iv holes in
th' ground an' cracks in th' wall to support belief, but they run away
fr'm doubt.

"I'll niver get anny medal f'r makin' anny man give up his belief. If I
see a fellow with a chube on his eye and hear him hollerin', 'Hooray,
I've discovered a new planet,' I'll be th' last man in th' wurruld to
brush th' fly off th' end iv th' telescope. I've known people that see
ghosts. I didn't see thim, but they did. They cud see ghosts an' I
cudden't. There wasn't annything else to it. I knew a fellow that was a
Spiritualist wanst. He was in th' chattel morgedge business on week days
an' he was a Spiritulist on Sunday. He cud understand why th' spirits
wud always pick out a stout lady with false hair or a gintleman that had
his thumb mark registhered at Polis Headquarthers to talk through, an'
he knew why spirits liked to play on banjoes an' mandolins an' why they
convarsed be rappin' on a table in th' dark. An' there was a man that
wud bite a silver dollar in two befure he'd take it f'r good."

"My aunt seen a ghost wanst," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Ivrybody's aunt has seen a ghost," said Mr. Dooley.




BOOKS


"Well, sir, if there's wan person in th' wurruld that I really invy 'tis
me frind th' ex-Prisidint iv Harvard. What a wondherful thing is youth.
Old fellows like ye'ersilf an' me make a bluff about th' advantages iv
age. But we know there's nawthin' in it. We have wisdom, but we wud
rather have hair. We have expeeryence, but we wud thrade all iv its
lessons f'r hope an' teeth.

"It makes me cross to see mesilf settin' here takin' a post grajate
coorse in our cillybrated univarsity iv th' Wicked Wur-ruld an' watchin'
th' freshmen comin' in. How happy they are, but how seeryous. How sure
they are iv ivrything. Us old fellows are sure iv nawthin'; we laugh but
we are not cheerful; we have no romance about th' colledge. Ye don't
hear us givin' nine long cheers f'r our almy matther. We ain't even
thankful f'r th' lessons it teaches us or th' wallops it hands us whin
we f'rget what we've been taught. We're a sad lot iv old la-ads, hatin'
th' school, but hatin' th' grajation exercises aven more.

"But 'tis a rale pleasure to see th' bright faced freshmen comin' in an'
I welcome th' last young fellow fr'm Harvard to our vin'rable
institution. I like to see these earnest, clear-eyed la-ads comin' in to
waken th' echoes iv our grim walls with their young voices. I'm sure th'
other undhergrajates will like him. He hasn't been spoiled be bein' th'
star iv his school f'r so long, Charles seems to me to be th' normal
healthy boy. He does exactly what all freshmen in our university do whin
they enther. He tells people what books they shud read an' he invints a
new relligon. Ivry well-ordhered la-ad has to get these two things out
iv his system at wanst. What books does he advise, says ye? I haven't
got th' complete list yet, but what I seen iv it was good. Speakin' fr
mesilf alone, I don't read books. They are too stimylatin'. I can get
th' same wrong idees iv life fr'm dhrink. But I shud say that if a man
was a confirmed book-reader, if he was a man that cudden't go to sleep
without takin' a book an' if he read befure breakfast, I shud think that
Doctor Eliot's very old vatted books are comparatively harmless. They
are sthrong it is thrue. They will go to th' head. I wud advise a man
who is aisily affected be books to stick to Archibald Clavering Gunter.
But they will hurt no man who's used to readin'. He has sawed thim out
carefully. 'Give me me tools,' says he, 'an' I will saw out a five-foot
shelf iv books.' An' he done it. He has th' right idee. He real-izes
that th' first thing to have in a libry is a shelf. Fr'm time to time
this can be decorated with lithrachure. But th' shelf is th' main thing.
Otherwise th' libry may get mixed up with readin' matther on th' table.
Th' shelf shud thin be nailed to th' wall iliven feet fr'm th' flure an'
hermetically sealed.

"What books does he riccomind? Iv course there's such folklore as
Epicbaulus in Marsupia an' th' wurruks iv Hyperphrastus. But it shows
how broad an' indulgent th' doctor's taste is that he has included
Milton's Arryopatigica, if I have th' name right. This is what ye might
call summer readin'. I don't know how I cud describe it to ye, Hinnissy.
Ye wudden't hardly call it a detective story an' yet it ain't a problem
play. Areopapigica is a Greek gur-rul who becomes th' iditor iv a daily
newspaper. That is th' beginnin' iv th' plot. I won't tell ye how it
comes out. I don't want to spile ye'er injymint iv it. But ye'll niver
guess who committed th' crime. It is absolutely unexpicted. A most
injanyous book an' wan iv th' best sellers iv its day. There were four
editions iv thirty copies each an' I don't know how manny paper-covered
copies at fifty cents were printed f'r circulation on th' mail coaches.
I'm not sure if it iver was dhramatized; if it wasn't, there's a chanst
f'r some manager.

"The darin' rescue iv Areopatigica be Oliver Cromwell--but I won't tell
ye. Ye must read it. There ar-re some awful comical things in it. I
don't agree with Uncle Joe Cannon, who says it is trashy. It is light,
perhaps even frivolous. But it has gr-reat merit. I can't think iv
annything that wud be more agreeable thin lyin' in a hammock, with a
glass iv somethin' in ye'er hand on a hot day an' readin' this little
jim iv pure English an' havin' a profissor fr'm colledge within aisy
call to tell ye what it all meant. I niver go f'r a long journey. I mane
I niver go f'r a long journey without a copy iv Milton's Agropapitica in
me pocket. I have lent it to brakemen an' they have invaryably returned
it. I have read it to men that wanted to fight me an' quited thim. Yet
how few people iv our day have read it! I'll bet ye eight dollars that
if ye wait till th' stores let out ye can go on th' sthreet an' out iv
ivry ten men ye meet at laste two, an' I'll take odds on three, have
niver aven heerd iv this pow'ful thragedy. Yet while it was runnin' ye
cudden't buy a copy iv th' Fireside Companyon an' f'r two cinchries it
has proticted th' shelves iv more libries thin anny iv Milton's pomes,
f'r Hogan tells me this author, who ye hardly iver hear mentioned in th'
sthreet cars at th' prisint moment, was a pote as well as an author an'
blind at that, an', what is more, held a prom'nent pollytickal job. I
wondher if two hundred years fr'm now people will cease to talk iv
William Jennings Bryan. He won't, but will they?

"Well, sir, it must be a grand thing to injye good books, but it must be
grander still to injye anny kind iv books. Hogan can read annything. He
ain't a bit particklar. He's tur-rbly addicted to th' habit. Long years
ago I decided that I cudden't read annything but th' lightest newspaper
with me meals. I seldom read between meals excipt now an' thin f'r
socyability's sake. If I am with people that are readin' I'm very apt to
jine thim so's not to appear to be bad company. But Hogan is always at
it. I wudden't mind if he wint out boldly to readin'-rooms an' thin let
it alone. But he reads whin he is be himsilf. He reads in bed. He reads
with his meals. He is a secret reader. He nips in second-hand book
stores. He can't go on a thrain an' have anny fun lookin' at th' other
passengers or invyin th' farmers their fields an' not invyin' their
houses. Not a bit iv it. He has to put a book in his pocket. He'll tell
ye that th' on'y readin' is Doctor Eliot's cillybrated old blend an'
he'll talk larnedly about th' varyous vintages. But I've seen him read
books that wud kill a thruckman. Th' result iv it is that Hogan is
always wrong about ivrything. He sees th' wurruld upside down. Some men
are affected diff'rent. Readin' makes thim weep. But it makes Hogan
believe in fairies while he's at it. He's irresponsible. There ain't
annything in th' wurruld f'r him but dark villyans an' blond heroes. An'
he's always fightin' these here imaginary inimies an' frinds, wantin' to
desthroy a poor, tired, scared villyan, an' losin' his good money to a
hero. I've thried to stop him. 'Use ye'er willpower,' say I. 'Limit
ye'ersilf to a book or two a day,' says I. 'Stay in th' open air. Take
soft readin'. How d'ye expict to get on in th' wurruld th' way ye are
goin'? Who wud make a confirmed reader th' cashier iv a bank? Ye'd
divide ye'er customers into villyans an' heroes an' ye wudden't lend
money to th' villyans. An' thin ye'd be wrong aven if ye were right. F'r
th' villyans wud be more apt to have th' money to bring back thin th'
heroes,' says I. 'Ye may be right,' says he. 'But 'tis too late to do
annything with me. An' I don't care. It may hurt me in th' eyes iv me
fellow counthrymen, but look at th' fun I get out iv it. I wudden't
thrade th' injanyous wicked people an' th' saints that I see f'r all
th' poor, dull, half-an'-half crathers that ye find in th' wurruld,'
says he.

"An' there ye ar-re. It's just as his frind, th' most prom'nent
get-rich-quick-man iv his time, wanst said: 'Readin' makes a man full.'
An' maybe Hogan's right. Annyhow, I'm glad to have him advised about his
books so that he won't hurt himsilf with lithrachoor that don't come
undher th' pure food act. An' I'm glad to welcome our young friend
Charles Eliot into our ancient univarsity. He'll like it f'r awhile. He
is sure to make th' team an' I wudden't mind seein' him captain iv it.
'Tis a gr-reat colledge afther all, an' if it makes me mad part iv th'
time, because I'm always gettin' licked f'r what somebody else has done,
on th' whole I injye it. Th' coorse is hard. Ivry man, woman, an' child
is profissor an' student to ye. Th' examinations are tough. Ye niver
know whin they're goin' to take place or what they'll be about.
Profissor Eliot may pass ye on'y to have Profissor Hinnissy turn ye
down. But there's wan sure thing--ye'll be grajiated. Ye'll get th'
usual diploma. Ye'll grajiate not because iv annything ye've done, but
because ye'er room is needed. 'I like th' old place,' says ye. 'An' I'm
just beginnin' to larn,' says ye. 'Pass on, blockhead,' says th'
faculty. 'Pass on, Hinnissy--ye'll niver larn annything.' An' there ye
are. What'll ye take?"

"I wudden't mind havin' a little"--began Mr. Hennessy.

"I don't mean what you mean," said Mr. Dooley. "Will ye have th' avenin'
paper or a little iv th' old stuff off th' shelf?"




THE TARIFF


"Well, sir, 'tis a gr-r-rand wurruk thim Sinitors an' Congressmen are
doin' in Wash'n'ton. Me heart bleeds fr th' poor fellows, steamin' away
undher th' majestic tin dome iv th' capitol thryin' to rejooce th'
tariff to a weight where it can stand on th' same platform with me frind
big Bill without endangerin' his life. Th' likes iv ye wud want to see
th' tariff rejooced with a jack plane or an ice pick. But th' tariff has
been a good frind to some iv thim boys an' it's a frind iv frinds iv
some iv th' others an' they don't intend to be rough with it. A little
gentle massage to rejooce th' most prom'nent prochooberances is all that
is nicissry. Whiniver they rub too hard an' th' tariff begins to groan,
Sinitor Aldhrich says: 'Go a little asier there, boys. He's very tender
in some iv thim schedules. P'raps we'd betther stop f'r th' day an' give
him a little nourishment to build him up,' he says. An' th' last I heerd
about it, th' tariff was far fr'm bein' th' wan an' emacyated crather
ye'd like to see comin' out iv th' Sinit chamber. It won't have to be
helped onto ye'er back an' ye won't notice anny reduction in its weight.
No, sir, I shudden't be surprised if it was heartier thin iver.

"Me congressman sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill th' other day. He's a
fine fellow, that congressman iv mine. He looks afther me inthrests
well. He knows what a gr-reat reader I am. I don't care what I read. So
he sint me a copy iv th' tariff bill an' I've been studyin' it f'r a
week. 'Tis a good piece iv summer lithrachoor. 'Tis full iv action an'
romance. I haven't read annythink to akel it since I used to get th'
Dead-wood Dick series.

"I'm in favor iv havin' it read on th' Foorth iv July instead iv th'
declaration iv indypindance. It gives ye some idee iv th' kind iv
gloryous governmint we're livin' undher, to see our fair Columbia
puttin' her brave young arms out an' defindin' th' products iv our soil
fr'm steel rails to porous plasthers, hooks an' eyes, artyficial horse
hair an' bone casings, which comes undher th' head iv clothin' an' I
suppose is a polite name f'r pantaloons.

"Iv coorse, low people like ye, Hinnissy, will kick because it's goin'
to cost ye more to indulge ye'er taste in ennervating luxuries. D'ye
know Sinitor Aldhrich? Ye dont? I'm surprised to hear it. He knows ye.
Why, he all but mentions ye'er name in two or three places. He does so.
'Tis as if he said: 'This here vulgar plutycrat, Hinnissy, is turnin'
th' heads iv our young men with his garish display. Befure this,
counthries have perished because iv th' ostintation iv th' arrystocracy.
We must presarve th' ideels iv American simplicity. We'll show this
vulgar upstart that he can't humilyate his fellow citizens be goin'
around dhressed up like an Asyatic fav'rite iv th' Impror Neero, be
Hivens. How will we get at him?' says he. 'We'll put a tax iv sixty per
cent. on ready made clothin' costin' less thin ten dollars a suit.
That'll teach him to squander money wrung fr'm Jawn D. Rockyfellar in
th' Roo dilly Pay. We'll go further thin that. We'll put a tax iv forty
per cent. on knitted undherwear costin' less thin a dollar twinty-five a
dozen. We'll make a specyal assault on woolen socks an' cowhide shoes.
We'll make an example iv this here pampered babe iv fortune,' says he.

"An' there it is. Ye haven't got a thing on ye'er back excipt ye'er
skin--an' that may be there; I haven't got as far as th' hide schedule
yet--that ain't mentioned in this here boolwark iv our liberties. It's
ye'er own fault. If ye will persist in wearin' those gee-gaws ye'll have
to pay f'r thim. If ye will go on decoratin' ye'er house with shingles
an' paint an' puttin' paper on th' walls an' adornin' th' inside iv it
with ye'er barbaric taste f'r eight day clocks, cane bottom chairs an'
karosene lamps, ye've got to settle, that's all. Ye've flaunted ye'er
wealth too long in th' face iv a sturdy people.

"Ye'd think th' way such as ye talk that ivrything is taxed. It ain't
so. 'Tis an insult to th' pathritism iv Congress to say so. Th'
Republican party, with a good deal iv assistance fr'm th' pathriotic
Dimmycrats, has been thrue to its promises. Look at th' free list, if ye
don't believe it. Practically ivrything nicissry to existence comes in
free. What, f'r example, says ye? I'll look. Here it is. Curling stones.
There, I told ye. Curling stones are free. Ye'll be able to buy all
ye'll need this summer f'r practically nawthin'. No more will ladies
comin' into this counthry have to conceal curling stones in their
stockin's to avoid th' iniquitous customs.

"What else? Well, teeth. Here it is in th' bill: 'Teeth free iv jooty.'
Undher th' Dingley bill they were heavily taxed. Onless ye cud prove that
they had cost ye less thin a hundhred dollars, or that ye had worn thim
f'r two years in Europe, or that ye were bringin' thim in f'r scientific
purposes or to give a museem, there was an enormous jooty on teeth. Th'
Governmint used to sind profissyonal humorists down to th' docks to
catch th' teeth smugglers. But fr'm now on ye can flaunt ye'er teeth in
th' face iv anny inspictor. Ye don't have to declare thim. Ye don't have
to put thim in th' bottom iv ye'er thrunk. Ye don't have to have thim
chalked or labelled befure ye get off th' dock. Ye don't have to hand a
five to th' inspictor an' whisper: 'I've got a few bicuspids that I
picked up while abroad. Be a good fellow an' let me through.' No, sir,
teeth are free.

"What other nicissities, says ye? Well, there's sea moss. That's a good
thing. Ivry poor man will apprecyate havin' sea moss to stir in his tea.
Newspapers, nuts, an' nux vomica ar-re free. Ye can take th' London
_Times_ now. But that ain't all by anny means. They've removed th' jooty
on Pulu. I didn't think they'd go that far, but in spite iv th'
protests iv th' Pulu foundhries iv Sheboygan they ruthlessly sthruck it
fr'm th' list iv jootyable articles. Ye know what Pulu is, iv coorse,
an' I'm sure ye'll be glad to know that this refreshin' bev'rage or soap
is on th' free list. Sinitor Root in behalf iv th' pulu growers iv New
York objicted, but Sinitor Aldhrich was firm. 'No, sir,' he says, 'we
must not tax annything that enters into th' daily life iv th' poor,' he
says. 'While not a dhrinkin' man mesilf, I am no bigot, an' I wud not
deny anny artisan his scuttle iv pulu,' he says. So pulu was put on th'
free list, an' iv coorse Zapper an' Alazarin had to go on, too, as it is
on'y be addin' thim to pulu that ye can make axle-grease.

"There was a gr-reat sthruggle over can-nary bur-rd seed.
Riprisintatives iv th' Chicago packers insisted that in time canary
bur-rds cud be taught to eat pork chops. Manny sinitors thought that th'
next step wud be to take th' duty off cuttle fish bone, an' thus sthrike
a blow at th' very heart iv our protictive system. But Sinitor Tillman,
who is a gr-reat frind iv th' canary bur-rd an' is niver seen without
wan perched on his wrist, which he has taught to swear, put up a gallant
fight f'r his protegees, an' thousands iv canary bur-rds sang with a
lighter heart that night. Canary bur-rd seed will be very cheap this
year, an' anny American wurrukin' man needn't go to bed hungry. There
ought to be some way iv teachin' their wives how to cook it. It wud make
a nourishin' dish whin ye have whetted ye'er face on a piece iv cuttle
fish bone. I'm sure th' raison American wurrukin' men don't hop around
an' sing over their wurruk is because they are improperly fed.

"Yes, sir, canary bur-rd seed is free. What else? Lookin' down th' list
I see that divvy-divvy is free also. This was let in as a compliment to
Sinitor Aldhrich. It's his motto. Be th' inthraduction iv this harmless
dhrug into th' discussion he's been able to get a bill through that's
satisfacthry to ivrywan. But I am surprised to see that spunk is on th'
free list. Is our spunk industhree dead? Is there no pathrite to demand
that we be proticted against th' pauper spunk iv Europe? Maybe me frind
Willum Taft had it put on th' free list. I see in a pa-aper th' other
day that what was needed at th' White house was a little more spunk. But
does he have to import it fr'm abroad, I ask ye? Isn't there enough
American spunk?

"Well, sir, there are a few iv th' things that are on th' free list. But
there are others, mind ye. Here's some iv thim: Apatite, hog bristles,
wurruks iv art more thin twinty years old, kelp, marshmallows, life
boats, silk worm eggs, stilts, skeletons, turtles, an' leeches. Th' new
tariff bill puts these familyar commodyties within th' reach iv all. But
there's a bigger surprise waitin' for ye. What d'ye think ends th' free
list? I'll give ye twinty chances an' ye'll niver guess. Blankets? No.
Sugar? Wrong. Flannel shirts? Thry to be a little practical, Hinnissy.
Sinitor Aldhrich ain't no majician. Well, I might as well tell ye if
ye're sure ye'er heart is sthrong an' ye can stand a joyful surprise.
Ar-re ye ready? Well, thin, joss sticks an' opyum f'r smokin' ar-re on
th' free list! If they ain't I'm a Chinyman an' if they are I'll be wan
pretty soon.

"How often have I envied Hop Lung whin I see him burnin' his priceless
joss sticks. How often have I seen him lyin' on top iv me week's washin'
pullin' away at th' savry rooster brand an' dhreamin' he was th' Impror
iv Chiny, while I've had to contint mesilf with a stogy that give me a
headache! But that day is passed. Me good an' great frind fr'm Rhode
Island has made me th' akel iv anny Chink that iver rolled a pill. Th'
tariff bill wudden't be complete without that there item. But it ought
to read: 'Opyum f'r smokin' while readin' th' tariff bill.' Ye can take
this sterlin' piece iv lithrachoor to a bunk with ye an' light a ball iv
hop. Befure ye smoke up p'raps ye can't see where th' tariff has been
rejooced. But afther ye've had a long dhraw it all becomes clear to ye.
Ye'er worries about th' childhren's shoes disappear an' ye see
ye'ersilf floatin' over a purple sea iv alazarin, in ye'er private
yacht, lulled be th' London _Times_, surrounded be wurruks iv art more
thin twinty years old, atin' marshmallows an' canary bur-rd seed, while
th' turtles an' leeches frisk on th' binnacle.

"Well, sir, if nobody else has read th' debates on th' tariff bill, I
have. An' I'll tell ye, Hinnissy, that no such orathry has been heerd in
Congress since Dan'l Webster's day, if thin. Th' walls iv Congress hall
has resounded with th' loftiest sintimints. Hinnery Cabin Lodge in
accents that wud melt th' heart iv th' coldest mannyfacthrer iv button
shoes has pleaded f'r freedom f'r th' skins iv cows. I'm sorry to say
that this appeal fr'm th' cradle iv our liberties wasn't succissful. Th'
hide iv th' pauperized kine iv Europe will have to cough up at th'
custom house befure they can be convarted into brogans. This pathriotic
result was secured be th' gallant Bailey iv Texas. A fine lib'ral minded
fellow, that lad Bailey. He's an ardint free thrader, mind ye. He's
almost a slave to th' historic principles iv th' Dimmycratic party. Ye
bet he is. But he's no blamed bigot. He can have principles an' he can
lave thim alone. An' I want to tell ye, me frind, that whin it comes to
disthributin' th' honors f'r this reform iv th' tariff, don't ye fail to
throw a few flowers, or, if bricks are handier, bricks at th'
riprisintatives iv our small but gallant party. It was a fine thing to
see thim standin' be th' battle cry iv our grand old organyzation.

"Says th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny: 'Louisyanny, th' proudest jool in th'
dyadim iv our fair land, remains thrue to th' honored teachin's iv our
leaders. Th' protictive tariff is an abomynation. It is crushin' out th'
lives iv our people. An' wan iv th' worst parts iv this divvlish injine
iv tyranny is th' tariff on lathes. Fellow sinitors, as long,' he says,
'as I can stand, as long as nature will sustain me in me protest, while
wan dhrop iv pathriotic blood surges through me heart, I will raise me
voice again a tariff on lathes, onless,' he says, 'this dhread
implymint iv oppressyon is akelly used,' he says, 'to protict th' bland
an' beautiful molasses iv th' State iv me birth,' he says.

"'I am heartily in sympathy with th' sinitor fr'm Louisyanny,' says th'
sinitor fr'm Virginya. 'I loathe th' tariff. Fr'm me arliest days I was
brought up to look on it with pizenous hathred. At manny a con-vintion
ye cud hear me whoopin' again it. But if there is such a lot iv this
monsthrous iniquity passin' around, don't Virginya get none? How about
th' mother iv prisidents? Ain't she goin' to have a grab at annything?
Gintlemen, I do not ask, I demand rights f'r me commonwealth. I will
talk here ontil July fourth, nineteen hundhred an' eighty-two, agin th'
proposed hellish tax on feather beds onless somethin' is done f'r th'
tamarack bark iv old Virginya.'

"A sinitor: 'What's it used f'r?'

"Th' sinitor fr'm Virginya: 'I do not quite know. It is ayether a cure
f'r th' hives or enthers largely into th' mannyfacture iv carpet
slippers. But there's a frind iv mine, a lile Virginyan, who makes it
an' he needs th' money.'

"'Th' argymints iv th' sinitor fr'm Virginya are onanswerable,' says
Sinitor Aldhrich. 'Wud it be agreeable to me Dimmycratic collague to put
both feather beds an' his what's-ye-call-it in th' same item?'

"'In such circumstances,' says th' sinitor fr'm Virginya, 'I wud be
foorced to waive me almost insane prejudice again th' hellish docthrines
iv th' distinguished sinitor fr'm Rhode Island,' says he.

"An' so it goes, Hinnissy. Niver a sordid wurrud, mind ye, but ivrything
done on th' fine old principle iv give an' take."

"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "what diff'rence does it make? Th' foreigner
pays th' tax, annyhow."

"He does" said Mr. Dooley, "if he ain't turned back at Castle Garden."




THE BIG FINE


"That was a splendid fine they soaked Jawn D. with," said Mr. Dooley.

"What did they give him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"Twinty-nine millyon dollars," said Mr. Dooley.

"Oh, great!" said Mr. Hennessy. "That's a grand fine. It's a gorjous
fine. I can't hardly believe it."

"It's thrue, though," said Mr. Dooley. "Twinty-nine millyon dollars.
Divvle th' cent less. I can't exactly make out what th' charge was that
they arrested him on, but th' gin'ral idee is that Jawn D. was goin'
around loaded up to th' guards with Standard Ile, exceedin' th' speed
limit in acquirin' money, an' singin' 'A charge to keep I have' till th'
neighbors cud stand it no longer. The judge says: 'Ye're an old
offender an' I'll have to make an example iv ye. Twinty-nine millyon
dollars or fifty-eight millyon days. Call th' next case, Misther Clerk.

"Did he pay th' fine? He did not. Iv coorse he cud if he wanted to. He
wuddent have to pawn annything to get th' money, ye can bet on that. All
he'd have to do would be to put his hand down in his pocket, skin
twinty-nine millyon dollar bills off iv his roll an' hurl thim at th'
clerk. But he refused to pay as a matter iv principle. 'Twas not that he
needed th' money. He don't care f'r money in th' passionate way that you
an' me do, Hinnissy. Th' likes iv us are as crazy about a dollar as a
man is about his child whin he has on'y wan. Th' chances are we'll spoil
it. But Jawn D., havin' a large an' growin' fam'ly iv dollars, takes
on'y a kind iv gin'ral inthrest in thim. He's issued a statement sayin'
that he's a custojeen iv money appinted be himsilf. He looks afther his
own money an' th' money iv other people. He takes it an' puts it where
it won't hurt thim an' they won't spoil it. He's a kind iv a society f'r
th' previntion of croolty to money. If he finds a man misusing his money
he takes it away fr'm him an' adopts it. Ivry Saturdah night he lets th'
man see it fr a few hours. An' he says he's surprised to find that whin,
with th' purest intintions in th' wurruld, he is found thryin' to coax
our little money to his home where it'll find conjanial surroundings an'
have other money to play with, th' people thry to lynch him an' th'
polis arrest him f'r abduction.

"So as a matther iv principle he appealed th' case. An appeal, Hinnissy,
is where ye ask wan coort to show it's contempt f'r another coort. 'Tis
sthrange that all th' pathrites that have wanted to hang Willum Jennings
Bryan an' mesilf f'r not showin' proper respect f'r th' joodicyary, are
now showin' their respect f'r th' joodicyary be appealin' fr'm their
decisions. Ye'd think Jawn D. wud bow his head reverentially in th'
awful presence iv Kenesaw Mt. Landis an' sob out: 'Thank ye'er honor.
This here noble fine fills me with joy. But d'ye think ye give me
enough? If agreeable I'd like to make it an even thirty millyons.' But
he doesn't. He's like mesilf. Him an' me bows to th' decisions iv th'
coorts on'y if they bow first.

"I have gr-reat respect f'r th' joodicyary, as fine a lot iv cross an'
indignant men as ye'll find annywhere. I have th' same respect f'r thim
as they have f'r each other. But I niver bow to a decision iv a judge
onless, first, it's pleasant to me, an', second, other judges bow to it.
Ye can't be too careful about what decisions ye bow to. A decision that
seems agreeable may turn out like an acquaintance ye scrape up at a
picnic. Ye may be ashamed iv it to-morrah. Manny's th' time I've bowed
to a decree iv a coort on'y to see it go up gayly to th' supreem coort,
knock at th' dure an' be kicked down stairs be an angry old gintleman in
a black silk petticoat. A decree iv th' coort has got to be pretty
vinrable befure I do more thin greet it with a pleasant smile.

"Me idee was whin I read about Jawn D's fine that he'd settle at wanst,
payin' twinty-eight millyon dollars in millyon dollar bills an' th'
other millyon in chicken-feed like ten thousand dollar bills just to
annoy th' clerk. But I ought to've known betther. Manny's th' time I've
bent me proud neck to a decision iv a coort that lasted no longer thin
it took th' lawyer f'r th' definse to call up another judge on th'
tillyphone. A judge listens to a case f'r days an' hears, while he's
figurin' a possible goluf score on his blotting pad, th' argymints iv
two or three lawyers that no wan wud dare to offer a judgeship to.
Gin'rally speakin', judges are lawyers. They get to be judges because
they have what Hogan calls th' joodicyal timp'ramint, which is why
annybody gets a job. Th' other kind people won't take a job. They'd
rather take a chance. Th' judge listens to a case f'r days an' decides
it th' way he intinded to. D'ye find th' larned counsel that's just
been beat climbin' up on th' bench an' throwin' his arms around th'
judge? Ye bet ye don't. He gathers his law books into his arms, gives
th' magistrate a look that means, 'There's an eliction next year', an'
runs down th' hall to another judge. Th' other judge hears his kick an'
says he: 'I don't know annything about this here case except what ye've
whispered to me, but I know me larned collague an' I wuddent thrust him
to referee a roller-skatin' contest. Don't pay th' fine till ye hear
fr'm me.' Th' on'y wan that bows to th' decision is th' fellow that won,
an' pretty soon he sees he's made a mistake, f'r wan day th' other coort
comes out an' declares that th' decision of th' lower coort is another
argymint in favor iv abolishing night law schools.

"That's th' way Jawn D. felt about it an' he didn't settle. I wondher
will they put him away if he don't pay ivinchooly? 'Twill be a long
sentence. A frind iv mine wanst got full iv kerosene an' attempted to
juggle a polisman. They thried him whin he come out iv th' emergency
hospital an' fined him a hundhred dollars. He didn't happen to have that
amount with him at th' moment or at anny moment since th' day he was
born. But the judge was very lenient with him. He said he needn't pay it
if he cuddent. Th' coort wud give him a letther of inthroduction to th'
bridewell an' he cud stay there f'r two hundhred days. At that rate
it'll be a long time befure Jawn D. an' me meet again on the
goluf-links. Hogan has it figured out that if Jawn D. refuses to go back
on his Puritan principles an' separate himsilf fr'm his money he'll be
wan hundhred an' fifty-eight thousand years in cold storage. A man ought
to be pretty good at th' lock step in a hundhred an' fifty-eight
thousand years.

"Well, sir, glory be but times has changed whin they land me gr-reat an'
good frind with a fine that's about akel to three millyon dhrunk an'
disorderly cases. 'Twud've been cheaper if he'd took to dhrink arly in
life. I've made a vow, Hinnissy, niver to be very rich. I'd like to be
a little rich, but not rich enough f'r anny wan to notice that me
pockets bulged. Time was whin I dhreamed iv havin' money an' lots iv it.
'Tis thrue I begun me dhreams at th' wrong end, spent th' money befure I
got it. I was always clear about th' way to spend it but oncertain about
th' way to get it. If th' Lord had intinded me to be a rich man He'd've
turned me dhreams around an' made me clear about makin' th' money but
very awkward an' shy about gettin' rid iv it. There are two halves to
ivry dollar. Wan is knowin' how to make it an' th' other is not knowin'
how to spend it comfortably. Whin I hear iv a man with gr-reat business
capacity I know he's got an akel amount iv spending incapacity. No
matter how much he knew about business he wuddent be rich if he wasn't
totally ignorant iv a science that we have developed as far as our means
will allow. But now, I tell ye, I don't dhream iv bein' rich. I'm afraid
iv it. In th' good old days th' polis coorts were crowded with th'
poor. They weren't charged with poverty, iv coorse, but with the results
iv poverty, d'ye mind. Now, be Hivens, th' rich have invaded even th'
coorts an' the bridewell. Manny a face wearin' side whiskers an' gold
rimmed specs peers fr'm th' windows iv th' black Maria. 'What's this man
charged with?' says th' coort. 'He was found in possession iv tin
millyon dollars,' says th' polisman. An' th' judge puts on th' black
cap."

"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "'tis time they got what was comin' to thim."

"I'll not say ye're wrong," said Mr. Dooley. "I see th' way me frind
Jawn D. feels about it. He thinks he's doin' a great sarvice to th'
worruld collectin' all th' money in sight. It might remain in
incompetint hands if he didn't get it. 'Twud be a shame to lave it where
it'd be misthreated. But th' on'y throuble with Jawn is that he don't
see how th' other fellow feels about it. As a father iv about thirty
dollars I want to bring thim up mesilf in me own foolish way. I may not
do what's right be thim. I may be too indulgent with thim. Their home
life may not be happy. Perhaps 'tis clear that if they wint to th'
Rockyfellar institution f'r th' care iv money they'd be in betther
surroundings, but whin Jawn thries to carry thim off I raise a cry iv
'Polis,' a mob iv people that niver had a dollar iv their own an' niver
will have wan, pounce on th' misguided man, th' polis pinch him, an' th'
governmint condemns th' institution an' lets out th' inmates an' a good
manny iv thim go to th'bad."

"D'ye think he'll iver sarve out his fine?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "But if he does, whin he comes out
at the end iv a hundhred an fifty-eight thousand years he'll find a
great manny changes in men's hats an' th' means iv transportation but
not much in annything else. He may find flyin' machines, though it'll be
arly f'r thim, but he'll see a good manny people still walkin' to their
wurruk."




EXPERT TESTIMONY


"What's an expert witness?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"An expert witness," said Mr. Dooley, "is a doctor that thinks a man
must be crazy to be rich. That's thrue iv most iv us, but these doctors
don't mean it th' way I do. Their theery is that annything th' rich do
that ye want to do an' don't do is looney. As between two men with
money, th' wan with most money is craziest. If ye want a diploma f'r
sanity, Hinnissy, th' on'y chance ye have iv gettin' it is to commit a
crime an' file an invintory iv ye'er estate with th' coort. Ye'll get a
certy-ficate iv sanity that ye'll be able to show with pride whin ye're
let out iv Joliet.

"In th' old days if a man kilt another man he took three jumps fr'm th'
scene iv th' disaster to th' north corrydor iv th' County Jail. That
still goes f'r th' poor man. No wan has thried to rob him iv th'
privilege won f'r him be his ancestors iv bein' quickly an' completely
hanged. A photygraph iv him is took without a collar, he's yanked befure
an awful coort iv justice, a deef-mute lawyer is appinted to look afther
his inthrests an' see that they don't suffer be bein' kept in th' stuffy
atmosphere iv th' coortroom, th' State's attorney presints a handsome
pitcher iv him as a fiend in human form, th' judge insthructs th' jury
iv onprejudiced jurors in a hurry to get home that they ar-re th' sole
judges iv th' law an' th' fact, th' law bein' that he ought to be hanged
an' th' fact bein' that he will be hanged, an' befure our proletory
frind comes out iv his thrance he's havin' his first thorough fill-up iv
ham an' eggs, an' th' clargy ar-re showin' an amount iv inthrest in him
that must be surprisin' to a man iv his humble station.

"A few days later I r-read in th' pa-apers in a column called 'Brief
News Jottings,' just below a paragraph about th' meetin' iv th'
Dairyman's Assocyation, an account iv how justice has pursooed her grim
coorse in th' case iv John Adamowski. An' I'm thankful to know that th'
law has been avinged, that life an' property again ar-re safe in our
fair land iv freedom, an' that th' wretched criminal lived long enough
to get all he wanted to eat.

"Justice is all a poor criminal asks f'r, an' that's what he gets. He
don't desarve a anny betther. 'Tis like askin' on'y f'r a pair iv dooces
in a car-d game an' havin to bet thim. If I done wrong I'd say: 'Don't
deal me anny justice. Keep it f'r thim that wants it. Undher th'
circumstances all I ask is a gr-reat deal iv injustice an' much mercy. I
do not ask to be acquitted be a jury iv me peers. I am a modest man an'
I'll accipt me freedom fr'm th' humblest bailiff in th' land. I do not
care to come triumphant out iv this ordeel an' repoort other cases f'r
th' newspa-apers. All I ask is a block's start an' some wan holdin' th'
polisman's coattails. I waive me right to be thried be an incorruptible,
fair, an' onprejudiced Judge. Give me wan that's onfair an' prejudiced
an' that ye can slip somethin' to.

"No, sir, whin a man's broke an' does something wrong, th' on'y temple
iv justice he ought to get into is a freight car goin' West. Don't niver
thrust that there tough-lookin' lady with th' soord in her hand an' th'
handkerchief over her eyes. She may be blind, though I've seen thriles
where she raised th' bandage an' winked at th' aujence--she may be
blind, but 'tis th' fine sinse iv touch she has, an' if ye vinture into
her lodgins an' she goes through ye'er pockets an' finds on'y th'
pawnticket f'r th' watch ye stole off Hogan, she locks th' dure, takes
off th' handkerchief, an' goes at ye with th' soord.

"But suppose ye have a little iv th' useful with ye. Ye br-reak into
Hogan's house some night sufferin' fr'm an incontrollable impulse to
take his watch. Don't get mad, now. I'm on'y supposin' all this. Ye
wudden't take his watch. He has no watch. Well, he's sound asleep. Ye
give him a good crack on th' head so he won't be disturbed, an' hook th'
clock fr'm undher th' pillow. Th' next day ye're arristed. Th' pa-apers
comes out with th' news: 'Haughty sign iv wealthy fam'ly steals watch
fr'm awful Hogan. Full account iv dhreadful career iv th' victim.
Unwritten law to be invoked,' an' there's an article to show that anny
wan has a right to take Hogan's watch, that he was not a proper man to
have th' care iv a watch, annyhow, an' that ye done well to hook it.
This is always th' first step to'rd securin' cold justice f'r th' rich.
Ye're next ilicted a mimber iv nearly all th' ministers' assocyations,
an' finally, in ordher that th' law may be enfoorced without regard to
persons, an expert witness is hired f'r ye.

"Th' thrile begins. Ye walk in with a quick, nervous sthride an' set th'
watch be th' coort clock. 'Ar-re ye guilty or not guilty?' says th'
clerk. 'Guilty an' glad iv it,' says ye'er lawyer amid cheers an'
hisses. 'Have ye th' watch with ye?' says th' coort. 'I have,' says th'
pris'ner, smilin' in his peculiar way. 'Lave me look at it,' says th'
coort. 'I will not,' says the pris'ner, puttin' it back into his pocket.
'How ar-re ye goin' to defind this crook?' says th' Judge. 'We ar-re
goin' to prove that at th' time he committed this crime he was insane,'
says th' lawyer. 'I object,' says th' State's attorney. 'It is not legal
to inthrajooce evidence iv insanity till th' proper foundations is
established. Th' defince must prove that th' pris'ner has money. How do
we know he isn't broke like th' rest iv us?' Th' coort: 'How much money
have ye got?' The pris'ner: 'Two millyon dollars, but I expect more.'
Th' coort: 'Objection overruled.'

"Th' expert is called. 'Doctor, what expeeryence have ye had among th'
head cures?' 'I have been f'r forty years in an asylum.' 'As guest or
landlord?' 'As both.' 'Now, doctor, I will ask you a question.
Supposin' this pris'ner to be a man with a whole lot iv money, an'
supposin' he wint to this house on th' night in question, an' suppose it
was snowin', an' suppose it wasn't, an' suppose he turned fr'm th' right
hand corner to th' left goin' upstairs, an' supposin' he wore a plug hat
an' a pair iv skates, an' supposin' th' next day was Winsday--' 'I
objict,' says th' State's attorney. 'Th' statues, with which me larned
frind is no doubt familiar, though I be darned if he shows it, f'rbids
th' mention iv th' days iv th' week.' 'Scratch out Winsday an'
substichoot four o'clock in Janooary,' says th' coort. 'Now, how does
th' sentence r-read?' 'Th' next day was four o'clock in Janooary--an'
supposin' th' amount iv money, an' supposin' ye haven't got a very large
salary holdin' th' chair iv conniption fits at th' college, an'
supposin' ye don't get a cent onless ye answer r-right, I ask ye, on th'
night in question whin th' pris'ner grabbed th' clock, was he or was he
not funny at th' roof?' 'I objict to th' form iv question,' says th'
State's attorney. 'In th' eighth sintince I move to sthrike out th'
wurrud and as unconstitutional, unprofissyonal, an' conthry to th'
laws iv evidence.' 'My Gawd, has my clint no rights in this coort?' says
th' other lawyer. 'Ye bet he has,' says th' coort. 'We'll sthrike out
th' wurrud and but well substichoot th' more proper wurrud
"aloofness."

"'Did ye see th' pris'ner afther his arrest?' 'I did.' 'Where?' 'In th'
pa-apers.' 'What was he doin'?' 'His back was tur-rned.' 'What did that
indicate to ye?' 'That he had been sufferin' fr'm a variety iv tomaine
excelsis--' 'Greek wurruds,' says th' coort. 'Latin an' Greek,' says th'
expert. 'Pro-ceed,' says th' coort. 'I come to th' conclusion,' says th'
expert, 'that th' man, when he hooked th' watch, was sufferin' fr'm a
sudden tempest in his head, a sudden explosion as it were, a sudden I
don't know-what-th'-divvle-it-was, that kind iv wint off in his
chimbley, like a storm at sea.' 'Was he in anny way bug befure th'
crime?' 'Not a bit. He suffered fr'm warts whin a boy, which sometimes
leads to bozimbral hoptocollographophiloplutomania, or what th' Germans
call tantrums, but me gin'ral con-clusion was that he was perfectly sane
all his life till this minnyit, an' that so much sanity wint to his head
an' blew th' cover off.'

"'Has he been sane iver since?' says the lawyer. 'Ye'd betther have a
care how ye answer that question, me boy,' says th' pris'ner, carelessly
jingling th' loose change in his pocket. 'Sane?' says th' expert. 'Well,
I shud think he was. Why, I can hardly imagine how he stayed
feather-headed long enough to take th' villan's joolry. Sane, says ye? I
don't mean anny disrespect to th' coort or th' bar, but if ye gintlemen
had half as much good brains in ye'er head as he has, ye'd not be
wastin' ye'er time here. There ain't a man in this counthry th' akel iv
this gr-reat man. Talk about Dan'l Webster, he was an idyut compared
with this joynt intelleck. No, sir, he's a fine, thoughtful, able,
magnificent specimen iv man an' has been iver since between twelve four
an' twelve four-an'-a-half on that fatal night. An' a good fellow at
that.'

"'What d'ye propose to do to stand this here testymony off?' says th'
Judge. 'I propose,' says th' State's attorney, 'to prove be some rale
experts, men who have earned their repytations be testifyin' eight ways
fr'm th' jack in a dozen criminal cases, that so far fr'm bein' insane
on this particklar night, this was th' on'y time that he was perfeckly
sane.' 'Oh, look here, Judge,' says Bedalia Sassyfrass iv _Th' Daily
Fluff_, 'this here has gone far enough. Th' man's not guilty, an' if ye
don't want a few remarks printed about ye, that'll do ye no good, ye'll
let him off.' 'Don't pay anny attintion to what she says, Fitzy,' says
another lady. 'Her decayed newspa-aper has no more circulation thin a
cucumber. We expict ye to follow th' insthructions printed in our
vallyable journal this mornin'.'

"'Sir,' says a tall man, risin' in his place, 'I am th' Riv'rend
Thompson Jubb.' 'Not th' notoryous shepherd iv that name?' 'Th' same,'
says th' Riv'rend Jubb. 'That lowly worker in th' vineyard iv th' Lord
who astonished th' wurruld be atin' glass in th' pulpit an' havin' th'
Bible tattooed on him. I wish th' privilege iv standin' on me head an'
playin' "A charge to keep I have" on the accorjeen with me feet.
'Granted,' says th' coort. 'I will now charge th' jury as to th' law an'
th' fact: I am all mixed up on th' law; th' fact is there's a mob
outside waitin' to lynch ye if ye don't do what it wants. Th' coort will
now adjourn be th' back dure.' 'Where's th' pris'ner?' says th' expert.
'He has gone to addhress a mothers' meetin',' says th' clerk. 'Thin I
must be goin' too,' says th' expert. An' there ye ar-re."

"I'm glad that fellow got me off", said Mr. Hennessy, "but thim experts
ar-re a bad lot. What's th' difference between that kind iv tistymony
an' perjury?"

"Ye pay ye'er money an' take ye'er choice", said Mr. Dooley.




THE CALL OF THE WILD


"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I see me frind Tiddy Rosenfelt has been
doin' a little lithry criticism, an' th' hospitals are full iv mangled
authors. Th' next time wan iv thim nature authors goes out into th'
woods lookin' f'r his prey he'll go on crutches."

"What's it about?" asked Mr. Hennessy.

"'Twas this way," said Mr. Dooley. "I have it fr'm Hogan, me lithry
adviser. He keeps me posted on what's goin' on in lithrachoor, an' I do
th' same f'r him on crime. I've always got a little something that's
excitin' comin' to me, but this time he's made good. It seems, ye see,
that a good manny iv th' la-ads that write th' books have been lavin'
th' route iv th' throlley line an' takin' to th' woods. They quit Myrtle
an' Clarence an' th' wrong done to Oscar Lumlovitch be th' brutal
foreman iv lard tank nine, an' wint to wurruk on th' onhappy love
affairs iv Carrie Boo, th' deer, an' th' throubles in th' domestic
relations iv th' pan fish an' th' skate. F'r th' last year th' on'y
books that Hogan has told me about have been wrote about animiles. I've
always thought iv th' beasts iv th' forest prowlin' around an' takin' a
leg off a man that'd been sint to Colorado f'r his lungs. But these boys
tell me they're diff'rent in their home life. They fall in love, get
marrid an' divoorced, bring up fam'lies, an' are supported or devoured
be thim, as th' case may be, accumylate money, dodge taxes, dhrink to
excess, an' in ivry way act like human bein's. I wudden't be surprised
to know that a bear had a tillyphone in his room, an' that th' gopher
complained iv his gas bills.

"Ivry time I go up into th' park to see me old frind th' illyphant I
wondher what dhreams ar-re goin' on behind that nose iv his that he uses
akelly as a garden hose, a derrick, or a knife an' fork. Is he
recallin' th' happy days at Barnum's befure brutal man sunk an ice pick
into him an' dhrove him to th' park? Is there some wan still there that
he thinks iv? Is she alive, is she dead, does she iver dhream iv him as
she ates her hay an' rubs her back agin th' bars iv her gilded cage?
There's th' hippypotamus. He don't look to be full iv sintiment, but ye
never can tell. Manny an achin' heart beats behind a cold an' sloppy
exteeryor. Somewhere in sunny Africa a loving fam'ly may be waitin' fr
him. Th' wallow at th' riverside is there, with th' slime an' ooze
arranged be tinder paws. But he will not return. They will meet, but
they will miss him, there will be wan vacant lair.

"Well, sir, just as I'd got to th' frame iv mind whin I'm thinkin' iv
askin' that gloomy lookin' allygator in th' park up to spind an avenin'
with me, along comes Tiddy Rosenfelt an' says there's nawthin' in it.
It's hard on th' boys. They ar-re doin' th' best they can. Ye can't
expect an author to lave his comfortable flat an' go three or four
thousand miles to larn whether th' hero iv his little love story
murdhers his uncle be bitin' him abaft th' ear or be fellin' him with a
half Nelson an' hammer-lock. Why should he? Who wud feed th' goold fish
while he was gone?

"No, sir, he does just right. Instead iv venturin' into th' wilds an'
p'raps bein' et up be wan iv his fav'rite charackters, he calls f'r some
tea an' toast, jabs his pen into th' inkwell, an' writes: 'Vichtry was
not long in th' grasp iv th' whale. Befure he cud return to his burrow
Tusky Bicuspid had seized him be th' tail an' dashed his brains out agin
a rock. With a leap in th' air th' bold wolf put to rout a covey iv
muskrats, those evil sojers iv fortune that ar-re seen hoverin' over
ivry animile battlefield. Wan blow iv his paw broke th' back iv th'
buffalo. With another he crushed a monsthrous sage hen, at wanst th'
most threacherous an' th' hardiest iv th' beasts iv th' wild. Paralyzed
be th' boldness iv th' wolf, th' camel an' th' auk fled fr'm th' scene
iv havoc, as is their wont. All that remained iv his inimies now was th'
cow, which defied him fr'm the branches iv a pine tree an' pelted him
with th' monsthrous fruit iv this cillybrated viggytable. Now, it is
well known that however aven they may be in a boording house, th' wolf
is no match f'r a cow in a tree. But this was no ordhinary wolf. As he
heerd th' low cry iv' his mate he was indowed with th' strength iv a
thousand piany movers. With a gesture iv impatience he shed his coat,
f'r it was Spring, childher, an' he shud've been more careful; he shed
his coat, swiftly climbed th' tree an' boldly advanced on th' foe. His
inimy give th' low growl iv his hated thribe. How manny a time have I
heerd it in Englewood an' shuddered with fear. But th' dauntless Tusky
answered back with his battle song, th' long chirp iv th' wild wolf, his
wife accompanyin' him fr'm th' foot iv th' tree on a sheep bone. With
wan spring th' inthrepid wolf sprang at his inimy. She thried to sink
her venomous fangs into his wish-bone, but with incredulous swiftness,
he back-heeled an' upper-cut her, swung left to body an' right to point
iv jaw, an' with wan last grimace iv defiance th' gr-reat bulk iv th'
monsther fell tin thousand feet into th' roarin' torrent an' took th'
count. Tusky heerd th' soft love-note iv his mate. She was eatin' th'
whale. He hastily descinded. An' so peace come to th' jungle.'

"That sounds all right to me. I like to see th' best man or th' best
animile win. An' I want to see him win good. It wudden't help me story
to tell about Tusky goin' home with wan ear gone an' his eye blacked,
an' tellin' his wife that he'd just about managed to put wan over that
stopped another wolf. That's what usually happens up this way, an' it
ain't very good readin'. When I want to tell a story that'll inthrest me
frinds I give it to thim good. Whin I describe me fav'rite hero, Dock
Haggerty, I tell about him throwin' wan man out iv th' window an' usin'
another as a club to bate th' remainin' twelve into submission. But if
I had to swear to it, an' wasn't on good terms with th' Judge, I
wudden't say that I iver see Dock Haggerty lick more than wan man--at a
time. At a time, mind ye. He might take care iv a procession iv
Johnsons. But he'd be in throuble with a couple iv mimbers iv th'
Ethical Culture Society that came to him at th' same moment. 'If iver
more thin wan comes at wanst,' says th' Dock, 'I'm licked,' he says.

"But that ain't what I tell late at night, an' it ain't what I want to
read. Ye bet it ain't. If I wint over to a book store an' blew in me
good thirty-nine cints f'r a dollar-an'-a-half book, I'd want some kind
iv a hero that I never see around these corners. Th' best day I iver
knew Jawn L. Sullivan had a little something on me. I won't say it was
much, but now that we're both retired, I'll say that I'm glad I niver
challenged him. But I wudden't look at a book, an' I wudden't annyway,
but I wudden't let Hogan tell me about a hero that cudden't wear an
overcoat an' rubber boots, have wan arm done up in a sling, an'
something th' matther with th' other, blue spectatacles on his eyes, a
plug hat on his head, th' aujeence throwin' bricks at him, an' th'
referee usin' a cross-cut saw on his neck, an' thin make two hundher an'
fifty Jawn L. Sullivans establish th' new record f'r th' leap through
th' window. Whin I want a hero, I want a good wan. I don't care whether
'tis a wolf, a sojer, or a Prisident. It all comes to th' same
thing--whether 'tis Hogan's frind, th' Wolf that he's been talkin' about
f'r a year, or that other old frind iv his that he used to talk
about--what d'ye call him?--ah, where's me mind goin'?--Ivanhoe.

"But Tiddy Rosenfelt don't feel that way about it. He's called down thim
nature writers just th' same way he'd call me down if I wint befure th'
fifth grade at th' Brothers' school an' told thim what I thought wud
inthrest thim about Dock Haggerty. What does he say? I'll tell ye. 'I do
not wish to be harsh,' says he, 'but if I wanted to charackterize these
here nature writers, I wud use a much shorter an' uglier wurrud thin
liar, if I cud think iv wan, which I cannot. Ye take, f'r example,
What's-his-name. Has this man iver been outside iv an aviary? I doubt
it. Here he has a guinea pig killin' a moose be bitin' it in th' ear.
Now it is notoryous to anny lover iv th' wilds, anny man with a fondness
f'r these monarchs iv forests, that no moose can be kilt be a wound in
th' ear. I have shot a thousand in th' ear with no bad effects beyond
makin' thim hard iv hearin'.

"'Here is a book befure me be wan iv these alleged nature writers. This
is a man whose name is a household wurrud in Conneticut. His books are
used in th' schools. An' what does this man, who got his knowledge iv
wild beasts apparently fr'm mis-treatin' hens f'r th' pip, say; what is
his message to th' little babblin' childher iv Conneticut? It is thim
that I've got to think iv. Instead iv tellin' thim th' blessed truth,
instead iv leadin' thim up be thurly Christyan teachings to an
undherstandin' iv what is right an' what is ideel in life, he poisons
their innocent minds with th' malicious, premeditated falsehood--I can't
think iv an uglier or shorter wurrud that wud go with premeditated--that
th' wolf kills th' grizzly bear be sinkin' its hidyous fangs into th'
gapin' throat iv its prey. How can honest citizens an' good women be
brought up on such infamyous docthrine? Supposin' a bear shud attack
Conneticut an' th' bells shud ring f'r th' citizens to arise, an' these
little darlings shud follow this false prophet an' run out in their
nighties an' thry to leap at his throat. Wudden't the bear be surprised?
Wudden't the little infants be surprised? Ye bet they wud. I want these
here darlings to know th' blessed truth, th' softenin' an' beautiful
truth that th' on'y way f'r a wolf to kill a bear is to disembowel him.
There is no other way. Th' wolf springs at his prey, an' with wan
terrific lunch pries him open. No wolf cud kill a bear th' way Willum
J. Long iv Stamford has described. A bear has th' sthrongest throat iv
anny crather in th' wurruld, barrin' Bryan. Why, I wud hate to have to
sthrangle a bear. I did wanst, but I had writer's cramp f'r months
aftherward.'

"An' that settles it. Fr'm now on ye can get anny wan iv these here
nature writers be callin' up four iliven eight B, Buena Park. Th' wild
animiles can go back to their daily life iv doin' th' best they can an'
th' worst they can, which is th' same thing with thim, manin' get what
ye want to eat an' go to sleep with ye'er clothes on. But some wan ought
to bring out a new nature story. I've thought iv chapter twinty-eight:
'With wan blow iv his pen he laid low, but not much lower, Orpheus L.
Jubb, th' well-known minichure painter who has taken up nature study.
With another he disembowelled th' Riv'rend Doctor Aleck Guff, who
retired fr'm th' Universalist Church because he cud not subscribe to
their heejous docthrines about th' future life, an' wrote his
cillybrated book on wild animiles iv th' West fr'm a Brooklyn car
window. It took on'y a moment f'r him to inflict a mortal wound on
Seton-Thompson's kodak. An' Tiddy Rosenfelt stood alone in th' primeval
forest. Suddenly there was a sound in th' bushes. He loaded his pen, an'
thin give a gasp iv relief, f'r down th' glade come his thrusted ally,
John Burroughs, leadin' captive th' pair iv wild white mice that had so
long preyed on th' counthry.'

"An' there ye ar-re, Hinnissy. In me heart I'm glad these neefaryous
plots iv Willum J. Long an' others have been defeated. Th' man that
tells ye'er blessed childher that th' way a wild goat kills an owl is be
pretendin' to be an alarum clock, is an undesirable citizen. He ought to
be put in an aquaryum. But take it day in an' day out an' Willum J. Long
won't give anny information to ye'er son Packy that'll deceive him much.
Th' number iv carryboo, deers, hippypotamuses, allygators, an' muskoxes
that come down th' Ar-rchey Road in th' coorse iv a year wudden't make
anny wan buy a bow an' arrow. It don't make near as much diff'rence to
us how they live as it does to thim how we live. They're goin' an' we're
comin', an' they ought to investygate an' find out th' reason why. I
suppose they don't have to go to school to larn how to bite something
that they dislike so much they want to eat it. If I had to bring up a
flock iv wild childher in Ar-rchey Road, I wudden't much care what they
larned about th' thrue habits iv th' elk or th' chambok, but I'd teach
thim what I cud iv th' habits, the lairs, an' th' bite iv th' polisman
on th' beat."

"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "Tiddy Rosenfelt is right. A fellow that
writes books f'r childher ought to write th' truth."

"Th' little preciouses wudden't read thim," said Mr. Dooley. "Annyhow,
th' truth is a tough boss in lithrachoor. He don't pay aven boord wages,
an' if ye go to wurruk f'r him ye want to have a job on th' side."




THE JAPANESE SCARE


"Did ye go to see th' Japs whin they were here?" asked Mr. Dooley.

"I did not," said Mr. Hennessy.

"Nor I," said Mr. Dooley. "I was afraid to. They're a divvle iv a
sinsitive people thim Japs. Look cross-eyed at thim an' they're into
ye'er hair. I stayed away fr'm th' stock yards whin me frind Gin'ral
Armour was showin' Gin'ral Kroky some rale slaughter. I didn't dare to
go down there f'r fear I'd involve this fair land iv ours in war.
Supposin' th' haughty little fellow was to see me grinnin' at him. A
smile don't seem th' same thing to an Oryental that it is to us
Cowcassians. He might think I was insultin' him. 'Look at that fellow
makin' faces at me,' says he. 'He ain't makin' faces at ye,' says th'
Mayor. 'That's th' way he always looks.' 'Thin he must have his face
changed,' says Kroky. 'If he don't I'll appeal to th' Mickydoo an' he'll
divastate this boasted raypublic iv ye'ers,' he says, 'fr'm sea to sea,'
he says.

"Well, what's to be done about it? I can't change me face an' there's no
legal way iv removin' it. Th' Prisidint writes to th' Gov'nor, th'
Gov'nor requests th' Sheriff, th' Sheriff speaks to th' Mayor, th' Mayor
desires th' Chief iv Polis, th' Chief iv Polis ordhers th' polisman on
th' beat, an' th' polisman on th' beat commands me to take me alarmin'
visage out iv th' public view. Suppose I go down to see me counsel,
Barrister Hogan. He tells me that undher th' rights guaranteed to me be
th' Constitution, which Gawd defind an' help in these here days, an' me
liquor license, I'm entitled to stick me tongue in me cheek, wink, roll
up me nose, wiggle me hands fr'm me ears, bite me thumb, or say 'Pooh'
to any black-an'-tan I meet.

"Thin what happens? Th' first thing I know a shell loaded with dynnymite
dhrops into th' lap iv some frind iv mine in San Francisco; a party iv
Jap'nese land in Boston an' scalp th' wigs off th' descindants iv John
Hancock an' Sam Adams; an' Tiddy Rosenfelt is discovered undher a bed
with a small language book thryin' to larn to say 'Spare me' in th'
Jap'nese tongue. And me name goes bouncin' down to histhry as a man that
brought roon to his counthry, an' two hundherd years fr'm now little
childer atin' their milk with chop sticks in Kenosha, Wisconsin, will
curse me f'r me wickedness instead iv blessin' th' mimry iv a man that
done so much to keep their fathers fr'm hurryin' home at night. So I
stayed away. F'r a moment th' peril is over.

"But it won't be f'r long. Ivry mornin' I pick up me pa-aper with fear
an' thremblin'. War with Japan is immynint. 'Tokyo, June five--Th' whole
nation is wild with excitement over th' misthreatment iv a Jap'nese in
Los Angeles, an' unless an apology is forthcomin' it will be difficult
f'r th' Governmint to prevint th' navy fr'm shootin' a few things at
ye. Th' people iv America shud know that they ar-re at th' brink iv war.
A corryspondint iv th' _Daily Saky_, who wurruks in an old porcylain
facthry in Maine, writes that this famous subjick iv th' Mickydoo, whose
name has escaped him but who had a good job in a livery stable in Tokyo
befure he was sint on a mission to th' American people to see what he
cud get, wint into an all night resthrant an' demanded his threaty
rights, which ar-re that th' waiter was to tuck his napkin into his
collar an' th' bartinder must play "Nippon th' gloryous" on a mouth
organ. Onforchinitely th' proprietor iv th' place, a man be th' name iv
Scully, got hold iv a copy iv th' threaty with Sweden with th' sad
result that he give th' subjick iv th' Mickydoo th' wrong threaty
rights. He hit him over th' head with a bung starter. There is some
relief in th' situation to-night based on th' repoort that th' Prisidint
has sint an apology an' has ordhered out th' army to subjoo Scully.

"'The Impror held a meetin' iv th' Elder Statesmen to-night to discuss
sindin' a fleet to San Francisco to punish th' neglect iv threaty rights
iv th' Japanese be a sthreet car conductor who wudden't let a subjick iv
th' Mickydoo ride on th' Thirty-first Sthreet line with an Ogden Avnoo
thransfer dated August eighteen hundherd an' siventy-two.' 'Th'
Prisidint has ordhered th' arrest an' imprisonmint iv a dentist in
Albany who hurt a Jap'nese whose tooth he was fillin'. He has raquisted
th' Mickydoo to give us another chance befure layin' waste our land.'
'Followin' th' advice iv th' Jap'nese ambassadure f'r poor young Japs to
marry rich American girls, a Jap'nese combynation theelogical student
an' cook applied f'r th' hand iv th' daughter iv th' boordin'-house
keeper where he was employed. He was able to limp to th' Jap'nese
Consul's house, where he made a complaint to th' Impror, who was an old
frind iv his father. Th' Prisidint has ordhered th' lady to marry th'
Chink.' 'Th' Hoop-la Theatre was closed last night on complaint iv th'
Jap'nese ambassadure that th' Fluff Opry Comp'ny was givin' a
riprisintation iv Jap'nese charackter in pink robes instead iv th'
seemly black derby hats, a size too large, Prince Albert coats,
pear-colored pants, button shoes, sthring neckties, an' spectacles which
is th' well-known unyform iv th' gloryous race. As token iv their grief
th' Cab'net waited on th' Jap'nese embassy at dinner to-night an'
Admiral Bob Evans has been ordhered to sink th' battle ship _Louisyanny_
an' carry Gin'ral Kroky's hat box to th' deepo.'

"An' so it goes. I'm in a state iv alarum all th' time. In th' good old
days we wudden't have thought life was worth livin' if we cudden't
insult a foreigner. That's what they were f'r. Whin I was sthrong,
befure old age deprived me iv most iv me pathritism an' other infantile
disordhers, I niver saw a Swede, a Hun, an Eyetalian, a Boohlgaryan, a
German, a Fr-rinchman, that I didn't give him th' shouldher. If 'twas an
Englishman I give him th' foot too. Threaty rights, says ye? We give
him th' same threaty rights he'd give us, a dhrink an' a whack on th'
head. It seemed proper to us. If 'twas right to belong to wan
naytionality, 'twas wrong to belong to another. If 'twas a man's proud
boast to be an American, it was a disgrace to be a German an' a joke to
be a Fr-rinchman.

"An' that goes now. Ye can bump anny foreigner ye meet but a Jap. Don't
touch him. He's a live wire. Don't think ye can pull his impeeryal hat
down on his bold upcurved nose. Th' first thing ye know ye'll be what
Hogan calls Casey's Bellows, an' manny a peaceful village in Indyanny'll
be desthroyed f'r ye'er folly. Why, be Hivens, it won't be long till
we'll have to be threatin' th' Chinese dacint. Think iv that will ye. I
r-read in th' pa-aper th' other day that th' Chinese ar-rmy had been
reorganized an' rearmed. Hincefoorth, instead iv th' old fashioned
petticoats they will wear th' more war-like short skirt. Th' palm leafs
have been cast aside f'r modhren quick-firin' fans, an' a complete new
assortment iv gongs, bows an' arrows, stink-pots, an' charms against th'
evil eye has been ordhered fr'm a well-known German firm. Be careful th'
next time ye think iv kickin' an empty ash-barl down yefer frind Lip
Hung's laundhry.

"It's hard f'r me to think iv th' Japs this way. But 'tis th' part iv
prudence. A few years ago I didn't think anny more about a Jap thin
abont anny other man that'd been kept in th' oven too long. They were
all alike to me. But to-day, whiniver I see wan I turn pale an' take off
me hat an' make a low bow. A few years ago an' I'd bet I was good f'r a
dozen iv thim. But I didn't know how tur-rible a people they are. Their
ships are th' best in th' wurruld. We think we've got good ships. Th'
Lord knows I'm told they cost us enough, though I don't remimber iver
payin' a cent f'r wan. But a Jap'nese rowboat cud knock to pieces th'
whole Atlantic squadron. It cud so. They're marvellous sailors. They
use guns that shoot around th' corner. They fire these here injines iv
desthruction with a mysteeryous powdher made iv a substance on'y known
to thim. It is called saltpether. These guns hurl projyctiles weighin'
eighty tons two thousand miles. On land they ar-re even more tur-rible.
A Jap'nese sojer can march three hundhred miles a day an' subsist on a
small piece iv chewin' gum. Their ar-rmy have arrived at such a
perfection at th' diffycult manoover known as th' goose step that they
have made this awful insthrument iv carnage th' terror iv th' armies iv
Europe. As cav'lrymen they ar-re unexcelled. There is on'y wan horse in
Japan, but ivry Japanese sojer has larned to ride him. To see wan iv
their magnificent cav'lry rijments goin' into action mounted on Joko is
a sight long to be raymimbered. Above all, th' Jap'nese is most to be
feared because iv his love iv home an' his almost akel love iv death. He
is so happy in Japan that we wud rather die somewhere's else. Most
sojers don't like to be kilt. A Jap'nese sojer prefers it. It was hard
to convince th' nation that they hadn't lost th' war with Rooshya
because not so many Rooshyans had been kilt as Japs. Faith we ought to
be scared iv thim. I niver see wan without wondhrin' whether me cellar
is bomb-proof.

"An' I sigh f'r th' good old days befure we become what Hogan calls a
wurruld power. In thim days our fav'rite spoort was playin' solytare,
winnin' money fr'm each other, an' no wan th' worse off. Ivry-body was
invious iv us. We didn't care f'r th' big game goin' on in th' corner.
Whin it broke up in a row we said: 'Gintlemen, gintlemen!' an' maybe
wint over an' grabbed somebody's stake. But we cudden't stand it anny
longer. We had to give up our simple little game iv patience an' cut
into th' other deal. An' now, be Hivens, we have no peace iv mind. Wan
hand we have wan partner; another hand he's again us. This minyit th'
Jap an' me ar-re playin' together an' I'm tellin' him what a fine lead
that was; th' next an' he's again me an' askin' me kindly not to look
at his hand. There ar-re no frinds at cards or wurruld pollyticks. Th'
deal changes an' what started as a frindly game iv rob ye'er neighbor
winds up with an old ally catchin' me pullin' an ace out iv me boot an'
denouncin' me."

"Sure thim little fellows wud niver tackle us," said Mr. Hennessy. "Th'
likes iv thim!"

"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "'tis because they ar-re little ye've got to be
polite to thim. A big man knows he don't have to fight, but whin a man
is little an' knows he's, little an' is thinkin' all th' time he's
little an' feels that ivrybody else is thinkin' he's little, look out
f'r him."




THE HAGUE CONFERENCE


"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "we're goin' to sind th' navy to th'
Passyfic."

"I can't tell," said Mr. Dooley, "whether th' navy is goin' to spend th'
rest iv its days protectin' our possessions in th' Oryent or whether it
is to remain in th' neighborhood iv Barnstable makin' th' glaziers iv
New England rich beyond th' dhreams iv New England avarice, which ar-re
hopeful dhreams. Th' cabinet is divided, th' Sicrety iv th' Navy is
divided, th' Prisidint is divided an' th' press is divided. Wan great
iditor, fr'm his post iv danger in Paris, has ordhered th' navy to
report at San Francisco at four eight next Thursday. Another great
iditor livin' in Germany has warned it that it will do so at its peril.
Nawthin' is so fine as to see a great modhern journalist unbend fr'm his
mighty task iv selectin' fr'm a bunch iv phottygrafts th' prettiest
cook iv Flatbush or engineerin' with his great furrowed brain th' Topsy
Fizzle compytition to trifle with some light warm-weather subjict like
internaytional law or war. But men such as these can do annything.

"But, annyhow, what diff'rence does it make whether th' navy goes to th'
Passyfic or not? If it goes at all, it won't be to make war. They've
dumped all th' fourteen inch shells into th' sea. Th' ammunition hoists
ar-re filled with American beauty roses an' orchids. Th' guns are loaded
with confetty. Th' officers dhrink nawthin' sthronger thin vanilla an'
sthrawberry mixed. Whin th' tars go ashore they hurry at wanst to th'
home iv th' Christyan Indeavor Society or throng th' free libries
readin' relligous pothry. Me frind Bob Evans is goin' to conthribute a
series iv articles to th' _Ladies' Home Journal_ on croshaying. F'r th'
Hague Peace Conference has abolished war, Hinnissy. Ye've seen th' last
war ye'll iver see, me boy. Th' Hague conference, Hinnissy, was got up
be th' Czar iv Rooshya just befure he moved his army agin th' Japs. It
was a quiet day at Saint Pethersburg. Th' Prime Minister had just been
blown up with dinnymite, th' Czar's uncle had been shot, an' wan iv his
cousins was expirin' fr'm a dose iv proosic acid. All was comparitive
peace. In th' warrum summer's afthernoon th' Czar felt almost dhrousy as
he set in his rile palace an' listened to th' low, monotonous-drone iv
bombs bein' hurled at th' Probojensky guards, an' picked th' broken
glass out iv th' dhrink that'd just been brought to him be an aged
servitor who was prisidint iv th' Saint Pethersburg lodge iv Pathriotic
Assassins. Th' monarch's mind turned to th' subjick iv war an' he says
to himsilf: 'What a dhreadful thing it is that such a beautiful wurruld
shud be marred be thousands iv innocint men bein' sint out to shoot each
other f'r no cause whin they might betther stay at home an' wurruk f'r
their rile masthers,' he says. 'I will disguise mesilf as a moojik an'
go over to th' tillygraft office an' summon a meetin' iv th' Powers,' he
says.

"That's how it come about. All th' powers sint dillygates an' a g-reat
manny iv th' weaknesses did so too. They met in Holland an' they have
been devotin' all their time since to makin' war impossible in th'
future. Th' meetin' was opened with an acrimonyous debate over a
resolution offered be a dillygate fr'm Paryguay callin' f'r immeejit
disarmamint, which is th' same, Hinnissy, as notifyin' th' Powers to
turn in their guns to th' man at th' dure. This was carrid be a very
heavy majority. Among those that voted in favor iv it were: Paryguay,
Uryguay, Switzerland, Chiny, Bilgium, an' San Marino. Opposed were
England, France, Rooshya, Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' the
United States.

"This was regarded be all present as a happy auggry. Th' convintion thin
discussed a risolution offered be th' Turkish dillygate abolishin' war
altogether. This also was carried, on'y England, France, Rooshya,
Germany, Italy, Austhree, Japan, an' th' United States votin' no.

"This made th' way clear f'r th' discussion iv th' larger question iv
how future wars shud be conducted in th' best inthrests iv peace. Th'
conference considhered th' possibility iv abolishin' th' mushroom bullet
which, entherin' th' inteeryor iv th' inimy not much larger thin a
marble, soon opens its dainty petals an' goes whirlin' through th'
allyminthry canal like a pin-wheel. Th' Chinese dillygate said that he
regarded this here insthrumint iv peace as highly painful. He had an
aunt in Pekin, an estimable lady, unmarried, two hundhred an' fifty
years iv age, who received wan without warnin' durin' th' gallant riscue
iv Pekin fr'm th' foreign legations a few years ago. He cud speak with
feelin' on th' subjick as th' Chinese army did not use these
pro-jictyles but were armed with bean-shooters.

"Th' English dillygate opposed th' resolution. 'It is,' says he, 'quite
thrue that these here pellets are in many cases harmful to th'
digestion, but I think it wud be goin' too far to suggest that they be
abolished ontil their mannyfacther is betther undherstud be th' subjick
races,' he says. 'I suppose wan iv these bullets might throw a white man
off his feed, but we have abundant proof that whin injicted into a black
man they gr-reatly improve his moral tone. An' afther all, th'
improvemint iv th' moral tone is, gintlemen, a far graver matther thin
anny mere physical question. We know fr'm expeeryence in South Africa
that th' charmin' bullet now undher discussion did much to change
conditions in that enlightened an' juicy part iv his Majesty's domains.
Th' darky that happened to stop wan was all th' betther f'r it. He
retired fr'm labor an' give up his squalid an' bigamious life,' he says.
'I am in favor, howiver, iv restrictin' their use to encounters with
races that we properly considher infeeryor,' he says. Th' dillygate fr'm
Sinagambya rose to a question iv privilege. 'State ye'er question iv
privilege,' says th' chairman. 'I wud like to have th' windows open,'
says th' dillygate fr'm Sinagambya. 'I feel faint,' he says.

"Th' Honorable Joe Choate, dillygate fr'm th' United States, moved that
in future wars enlisted men shud not wear ear-rings. Carried, on'y Italy
votin' no.

"Th' conference thin discussed blowin' up th' inimy with dinnymite,
poisinin' him, shootin' th' wounded, settin' fire to infants, bilin'
prisoners-iv-war in hot lard, an' robbin' graves. Some excitemint was
created durin' th' talk be th' dillygate fr'm th' cannybal islands who
proposed that prisoners-iv-war be eaten. Th' German dillygate thought
that this was carryin' a specyal gift iv wan power too far. It wud give
th' cannybal islands a distinct advantage in case iv war, as Europeen
sojers were accustomed to horses. Th' English dillygate said that while
much cud be said against a practice which personally seemed to him
rather unsportsmanlike, still he felt he must reserve th' right iv anny
cannybal allies iv Brittanya to go as far as they liked. Th'
Hon'orable Joe Choate moved that in future wars no military band shud be
considered complete without a base-dhrum. Carrid.

"Th' entire South American dillygation said that no nation ought to go
to war because another nation wanted to put a bill on th' slate. Th'
English dillygate was much incensed. 'Why, gintlemen', says he, 'if ye
deprived us iv th' right to collect debts be killin' th' debtor ye wud
take away fr'm war its entire moral purpose. I must ask ye again to
cease thinkin' on this subjick in a gross mateeryal way an' considher
th' moral side alone,' he says. Th' conference was much moved be this
pathetic speech, th' dillygate fr'm France wept softly into his
hankerchef, an' th' dillygate fr'm Germany wint over an' forcibly took
an open-face goold watch fr'm th' dillygate fr'm Vinzwala.

"Th' Hon'rable Joe Choate moved that in all future wars horses shud be
fed with hay wheriver possible. Carrid. A long informal talk on th'
reinthroduction iv scalpin' followed. At last th' dillygate fr'm Chiny
arose an' says he: 'I'd like to know what war is. What is war annyhow?'
'Th' Lord knows, we don't,' says th' chairman. 'We're all profissors iv
colledges or lawyers whin we're home,' he says. 'Is it war to shoot my
aunt?' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny. Cries iv 'No, no.' 'Is it war to
hook me father's best hat that he left behind whin he bashfully hurrid
away to escape th' attintions iv Europeen sojery?' he says. 'Is robbery
war?' says he. 'Robbery is a nicissry part iv war,' says th' English
dillygate. 'F'r th' purpose iv enfoorcin' a moral example,' he says.

"'Well,' says old Wow Chow, 'I'd like to be able to go back home an' tell
thim what war really is. A few years back ye sint a lot iv young men
over to our part iv th' wurruld an' without sayin' with ye'er leave or
by ye'er leave they shot us an' they hung us up be our psyche knots an'
they burned down our little bamboo houses. Thin they wint up to Pekin,
set fire to th' town, an' stole ivry thing in sight. I just got out iv
th' back dure in time to escape a jab in th' spine fr'm a German that I
niver see befure. If it hadn't been that whin I was a boy I won th'
hundred yards at th' University iv Slambang in two hours an' forty
minyits, an' if it hadn't happened that I was lightly dhressed in a
summer overskirt an' a thin blouse, an' if th' German hadn't stopped to
steal me garters, I wudden't be here at this moment,' says he. 'Was that
war or wasn't it?' he says. 'It was an expedition,' says th' dillygate
fr'm England, 'to serve th' high moral jooties iv Christyan
civvylization.' 'Thin,' says th' dillygate fr'm Chiny, puttin' on his
hat, 'I'm f'r war,' he says. 'It ain't so rough,' he says. An' he wint
home."




TURKISH POLITICS


"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "onaisy lies th' crown on anny king's head
these days. Th' time was whin it was me ambition or wan iv thim to be a
king. Arly in life I'd committed the youthful folly iv bein' born
outside iv th' counthry an' so I cuddent be Prisidint. But it don't make
anny diff'rence what counthry a king comes from so long as he don't come
fr'm th' counthry where he's king. 'No natives need apply,' is th'
motto. If a counthry is so bad off that it has to have a king, they sind
a comity down to Ellis Island an' pick out a good healthy Scandinavyan,
make him throw away his wooden shoes an' leather cap, an' proclaim him
king, Definder iv th' Faith. Kings are th' on'y assisted immygrants that
are let in. Th' King iv England is German, th' King iv Italy is a
Sardine, th' King iv Sweden is a Fr-rinchman, an' all th' other kings
an' queens are Danes excipt th' King iv Denmark, an' th' Lord knows what
he is.

"So ye see, Hinnissy, there's nawthin' in th' Constitution to prevint me
fr'm bein' a king, an I looked forward to th' time whin I'd turn th'
Illinye Cinthral deepo into a rile palace an' rule me subjicks,
ye'ersilf among thim, with a high hand. I'd be a just but marciful
monarch. No wan that come to th' palace wud go away empty handed. I'd
always lave thim a little something. Divvle a bit iv a cabinet I'd have,
but I'd surround mesilf with th' best thrained flattherers that cud be
hired f'r love or money, an' no wan wud tell me th' truth, an' I'd live
an' die happy. I'd show these modhern kings how a king ought to behave.
Ye wudden't see Martin I, iv beloved mim'ry, runnin' around like a hired
entertainer, wan day doin' th wurruk iv a talkative bricklayer at th'
layin' iv a cornerstone, another day presidin' over a bankit iv th'
Amalgamated Society iv Mannyfacthrers iv Hooks-an'-Eyes or racin' horses
with Boots Durnell an' Charlie Ox or waitin' out in th' rain f'r a
balloon to come down that's stuck on a church steeple forty miles away.
No, sir, I'd niver appear in public but wanst a year, an' thin I'd
blindfold me lile subjicks so that they'd stay lile. An' I'd niver open
me mouth excipt to command music an' dhrink. But th' low taste iv kings
has rooned th' business as a pursoot f'r gintlemen, an' to-day I'd think
twict befure takin' th' job. 'Tis as preecaryous as a steeple jack's,
an' no more permanent thin a Rosenfelt holdover undher Taft. If a king
goes out an' looks haughty some wan iv his subjicks fires a gas pipe
bomb at him, an' if he thries to be janial he's li'ble to be slapped on
th' back in th' paddock an' called 'Joe.'

"Look at me frind, Abdul Hamid. Whin I dhreamed iv bein' king, sometimes
I let me mind run on till I had mesilf promoted to be Sultan iv Turkey.
There, me boy, was a job that always plazed me. It was well paid, it
looked to be permanent, and I thought it about th' best situation in th'
wurruld. Th' Sultan was a kind iv a combination iv pope an' king. If he
didn't like ye, he first excommunicated ye an' thin he sthrangled ye.
There, thinks I to mesilf, there he sets, th' happy old ruffyan, on a
silk embroidered lounge, in his hand-wurruked slippers, with his legs
curled up undher him, a turban on his head, a crooked soord in his lap,
a pitcher iv sherbet (which is th' dhrink in thim parts) at his elbow, a
pipestem like a hose in his hand, while nightingales whistle in th'
cypress threes in th' garden an' beautiful Circassyan ladies dance in
front iv him far fr'm his madding throng iv wives, as th' pote says.

"Whin th' sicrety iv th' threasury wants to repoort to him, he starts
fr'm his office on his stomach an' wriggles into th' august prisince.
'What is it ye want, oh head iv lignum vity?' says th' Sultan. 'Bark f'r
th' ladies,' says he with a chuckle. 'Oh, descindant iv th' prophet,
whose name be blest! Oh, sun an' moon an' stars, whose frown is death
an' whose smile is heaven to th' faithful;--' 'Don't be so familyar with
me first name,' says th' Sultan, 'but go on with ye'er contimptible
supplication,' says he. 'Ye'er slave,' says th' sicrety iv th' threasury
fr'm th' flure, 'is desthroyed with grief to tell ye that afther
standin' th' intire empire on its head he's been onable to shake out
more thin two millyon piasthres f'r this week's expinses iv ye'er
awfulness,' says he. 'What!' says th' sultan, 'two millyon
piasthres--bar'ly enough to buy bur-rd seed f'r me bulbuls,' says he.
'How dare ye come into me august prisince with such an insult. Lave it
on th' flure f'r th' boy that sweeps up, oh, son iv a tailor,' he says,
an' he gives a nod an' fr'm behind a curtain comes Jawn Johnson with
little on him, an' th' next thing ye hear iv th' faithless minister is a
squeak an' a splash. He rules be love alone, thinks I, an' feelin' that
life without love is useless, annybody that don't love him can go an'
get measured f'r a name plate an' be sure he'll need it befure th' price
is lower. His people worship him an' why shudden't they. He allows thim
to keep all th' dogs they want, he proticts thim fr'm dissolute habits
be takin' their loose money fr'm thim, an' ivry year he gives thim an
Armeenyan massacree which is a great help to th' cigareet business in
this counthry.

"Happy Abdul, thinks I. If I cud be a haythen an' was a marryin' man,
'tis ye'er soft spot I'd like to land in f'r me declinin' days. So whin
I r-read in th' pa-apers that there was a rivolution startin' to fire
Abdul Hamid, I says to mesilf: 'A fine chance ye've got, me lads. That
old boy will be holdin' down his job whin there's a resignation fr'm th'
supreeme coort bench at Wash'nton,' says I. 'Th' first thing ye young
Turks know ye'll-be gettin' a prisent fr'm ye'er sov'reign iv a
necktie,' says I, 'an' it won't fit ye,' says I.

"Well, sir, I was wrong. I knew I was wrong th' minyit I see a pitcher
iv Abdul Hamid in th' pa-aper--a snap-shot, mind ye! Think of that,
will ye? D'ye suppose a sultan or a king that knew his thrade wud iver
let anny wan take a snap-shot iv him? Did ye iver hear iv Alexander th'
Gr-reat or Napoleon Bonyparte havin' a snap-shot took iv him? No, sir.
Whin they wanted to satisfy th' vulgar curiosity iv th' popylace to know
what their lord looked like, they chained an artist to a wall in th'
cellar of th' palace an', says they: 'Now set down an' paint a pitcher
iv me that will get ye out iv here,' says they. Nobody in thim days knew
that th' king had a mole on his nose an' that wan iv his eyes was made
iv glass, excipt th' people that had jobs to lose.

"Up to th' time Abdul Hamid wint thrapezin' around Constantinople in a
hack an' havin' his pitcher took be amachoor phottygrafters his job was
secure. Up to that time whin wan Turk talked to another about him they
talked in whispers. 'What d'ye suppose he's like, Osman?' says wan. 'Oh
me, oh my,' says th' other, 'but he's th' tur-rble wan. They says his
voice is like thunder, an' lightnin' shoots fr'm his eyes that wud
shrivel th' likes iv ye an' me to a cinder.' But whin Abdul, be damid,
as th' potes call him, made th' mistake iv pokin' his head out iv th'
palace 'twas diff'rent. 'Well, who d'ye think I see to-day but th'
Sultan. I tell ye I did. What is he like? He ain't much to look at--a
skinny little man, Osman, that ye cud sthrangle between ye'er thumb an'
forefinger. He had a bad cold an' was sneezin'. He wore a hand-me-down
coat. He has a wen on th' back iv his neck an' he's crosseyed. Here's a
pitcher iv him.' 'What, that little runt? Ye don't mean to say that's
th' Sultan.--Why, he looks like th' fellow that stops me ivry day on th'
corner an' asks me have I anny old clothes betther thin what I have on.
An' to think iv th' likes iv him rulin' over th' likes iv us. Let's
throw him out.'

"So it was with me old frind Abdul. Wan day a captain an' a squad iv
polis backed th' wagon up to th' dure iv th' palace an' rung th' bell.
'Who's there?' says th' Sultan, stuffin' th' loose change into his shoe.
'Th' house is pulled,' says th' captain. 'Ye'er license is expired. Ye'd
betther come peaceful,' he says. An' they bust in th' dure an' th'
Sultan puts a shirt an' a couple iv collars into a grip an' selicts
iliven iv his least formid-able wives to go along with him an' they put
on their bonnets an' shawls an' carry out their bur-rd cages an' their
goold fish an' their fancy wurruk an' th' pathrol wagon starts off an'
has to stop so that iliven iv thim can go back an' get something they
f'rgot at th' last moment an' th' ex-commander iv th' faithful says,
'Did ye iver know wan iv thim to be ready, Cap?' an' th' captain says,
'They're all alike, Doc,' an' th' dhriver clangs th' bell, an' off goes
th' mighty potentate to a two-story frame house in Englewood. An' th'
sultan's brother is taken out iv a padded cell where he had been kept
f'r twinty years because he was crazy to be sultan, an' is boosted into
th' throne. An' he has his pitcher took an' is intherviewed be th'
reporthers an' tells thim he will do th' best he can an' he hopes th'
press won't be too hard on him, because he is a poor loonytick annyhow.

"An' there ye ar-re. There goes me dhream iv bein' sultan along with me
dhream iv bein' a gr-reat gin'ral till th' Spanish war. If that's th'
kind iv job a sultan has, I'll lave it f'r anny wan to take that wants
it. Why, be Hivens, whin th' Young Turks come to search th' palace, like
th' pathrites they ar-re, to find if he'd left anny money behind, divvle
th' thrace they found iv annything that I'd thrade f'r me back room. I
begun to feel sorry f'r th' poor old miscreent. Instead iv lollin' on a
sofy an' listenin' to th' song iv th' mockin' bur-rd in th' pommygranite
threes while ladies fr'm th' chorus iv 'Th' Black Crook' fanned him with
fans iv peacock feathers, th' mis'rable old haythen was locked up in a
garret with a revolver in his hand ready to shoot anny wan that come
next or near him. He suffered fr'm dyspepsia an' he cuddent sleep
nights. He cud ate nawthin' sthronger thin milk toast. He was foorced be
fashion's whim to have five hundhred wives whin wan was abundant. Take
it all in all, he led a dog's life, an' I bet ye he's happyer now where
he is, wathrin' th' geeranyums, mowin' th' lawn, an' sneakin' into
Constantinople iv a Saturday night an' seein' Circassyan girls dancin'
f'r th' first time in his life. His childher are all grown up an' safe
in jail, he has four hundhred an' eighty-nine less wives, but iliven are
a good manny in th' suburbs; he has put away a few piasthres f'r a rainy
day, out-iv-dure life may improve his health, an' I shudden't wondher if
ye'd read some day in th' pa-aper: 'At th' Stambool county fair th'
first prize f'r Poland Chiny hens was won be A. Hamid, th' pop'lar
ex-sultan.'

"Ye can't tell annything about it. Give th' poor man a chance, says I.
There may be th' makins iv a dacint citizen in him afther all. What
opporchunity has he had, tell me? What can ye expict fr'm a man that
niver was taught annything betther thin that he cud do annything he
wanted to do without bein' called down f'r it? It doesn't make anny
diff'rence whether 'tis a polisman or th' Rajah iv Beloochistan, be
gorry, put a club in his hand an' tell him that he can use it an' he'll
begin usin' it tomorrah. He'll break wan head tomorrah, two th' next
day, an' befure he's been on th' foorce or th' throne a year it'll be a
whack on th' chimbly befure he says 'How ar-re ye.' By an' by he'll get
so manny people afraid iv him that he'll be in danger and that'll make
him afraid iv thim, an' thin he'll be more dangerous thin iver, d'ye
mind? Th' on'y man ye need to be afraid iv is th' man that's afraid iv
ye. An' that's what makes a tyrant. He's scared to death. If I'd thought
about it whin I r-read iv me frind murdherin' people I'd've known they'd
find him thremblin' in a room an' shootin' at th' hired girl whin she
come in with his porridge. So I'm glad afther all that I didn't put in
me application. I want no man to fear me. I'd hate to be more of a
coward thin I am."

"What ar-re these Turkish athrocities I've been r-readin' about?" said
Mr. Hennessy.

"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley. "I don't keep thim. Have a cigar?"




VACATIONS


"Well, sir," said Mr. Dooley, "I raaly don't know whether I'm glad or
sorry to get back. It seems a little sthrange to be here again in the
turmoil iv life in a large city, but thin, again, 'tis pleasant to see
th' familyar faces wanst more. Has annything happened since I wint away
on me vacation? Did ye miss me? Am I much sunburnt?"

"What ar-re ye talkin' about?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "I see ye on'y last
night."

"Ye did not," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye may have seen me undherstudy, but ye
didn't see me. Where was I? It depinds on what time iv night it was. If
it was eight o'clock, I was croosin' in Pierpont Morgan's yacht off th'
coast iv Labrador. We were both iv us settin' up on th' front stoop iv
th' boat. I had just won thirty millyon dollars fr'm him throwin' dice,
an' he remarked to me 'I bet it's hot in Chicago.' But about eight
thirty, th' wind, which had been blowin' acrost th' brick-yard, changed
into th' northeast an' I moved back to Newpoort."

"Ar-re ye crazy fr'm th' heat?" Mr. Hennessy asked.

"Divvle th' bit," said Mr. Dooley, "but long ago I made up me mind not
to be th' slave iv me vacation. I don't take a vacation whin a vacation
comes around an' knocks at th' dure an' dhrags me out to a summer
resort. If I did I'd wait a long time. I take it whiniver I feel like
it. Whiniver I have a moment to spare, whin ye're talkin' or business is
slack fr'm anny other reason, I throw a comb an' brush into a gripsack
an' hurry away to th' mountain or th' seashore. While ye think ye're
talkin' to me, at that very minyit I may be floatin' on me back in th'
Atlantic ocean or climbin' a mountain in Switzerland, yodellin' to
mesilf.

"Most iv me frinds take their vacations long afther they are overdue.
That's because they don't know how to take thim. They depind on
railroads an' steamers an' what th' boss has to say about it. Long
afther th' vacation will do thim no good, about th' fifteenth iv August,
they tear off for th' beauties iv nature. Nachrally they can't tear off
very far or they wudden't hear th' whistle whin it blew to call thim
back. F'r a week or two they spind their avenin's larnin' th' profissyon
iv baggageman, atin' off thrunks be day an sleepin' on thim be night.
Evenchooly th' time comes f'r thim to lave th' sthrife an' throuble iv
th' city that they're used to f'r th' sthrife an' throuble iv th'
counthry that they don't know how to handle. They catch th' two two f'r
Mudville-be-th'-Cannery, or they are just about to catch it whin they
remimber that they left their tickets, money an' little Abigail Ann
behind thim, an' they catch th' six forty-five which doesn't stop at
Mudville excipt on Choosdahs an' Fridahs in Lent, an' thin on'y on
signal. Fin'lly they're off. Th' dust an' worry iv th' city with its
sprinkled pavements an' its glowin' theaytres is left behind. Th' cool
counthry air blows into th' car laden with th' rich perfume iv dainty
food with which th' fireman is plyin' his ir'n horse. Th' thrain stops
occasion'lly. In fact ye might betther say that occasion'lly it don't
stop. A thrain that is goin' to anny iv th' penal colonies where most
men spind their vacations will stop at more places thin a boy on an
errand. Whiniver it sees a human habitation it will pause an' exchange a
few wurruds iv pleasant greetin'. It will stop at annything. It wud stop
at nawthin'.

"In this way ye get a good idee iv th' jography iv ye'er native land. Ye
make a ten minyit stay at bustlin' little villages that ye didn't know
were on th' map, an' ain't on anny map that ye buy. Th' on'y place th'
thrain don't stop is at Mudville-be-th'-Cannery. Ye look into th' folder
an' see ye'er town marked 'see note b.' Note b says: 'Thrains two to
sixteen stop at Mudville on'y whin wrecked.' 'What is th' number iv
this here cannon-ball express?' says ye to th' conductor man. 'Number
twelve,' says he. 'How am I goin' to get off there?' says ye. 'How do ye
usually get off a movin' thrain?' says he. 'Forward or backward?' says
he. 'If ye'll go ahead to th' postal car an' get into a mail bag th'
clerk may hang ye on th' hook as we pass. He's a good shot. He made
three out iv tin last week,' he says.

"But in due time ye reach ye'er destynation an' onpack ye'er thrunks an'
come home again. A frind iv mine, a prom'nent railroad officyal who
calls th' thrains at th' Union deepo, tells me he's cured his wife iv
wantin' to go on a vacation. Whiniver he sees her readin' advertisements
iv th' summer resorts he knows that th' fit is coming on, an' befure she
gets to th' stage iv buyin' a cure f'r freckles he takes her down to
th' deepo an' shows her th' people goin' on their vacations an' comin'
back. Thin he gives her a boat ride in th' park, takes her to th'
theaytre, an' th' next mornin' she wakes up with hardly anny sign iv
her indisposition.

"But th' kind iv vacation I take does ye some good. It is well within me
means. In fact it sildom costs me annything but now an' thin th' thrade
iv a customer that I give a bottle iv pop to whin he ast f'r a gin sour,
not knowin' that at th' minyit I was whilin' me time away in th' Greek
islands or climbin' Mount Vesoovyous. I don't have to carry anny
baggage. I don't pay anny railroad fares. I'm not bothered be mosquitoes
or rain. In fact, it's on rainy days that I thravel most. I'm away most
iv th' time. I suppose me business suffers. But what care I?

"In th' autumn I am pretty apt to be shootin' in th' Rocky Mountains. In
th' winter I am liable to go to Florida or to th' West Indies or to
Monty Carlo. I'm th' on'y American citizen that iver beat Monty Carlo. I
plugged away at number siventeen an' it came up eighty-two times
runnin'. 'Tis thrue I squandhered th' money on th' fickle Countess de
Brie, but aisy came aisy go. Me disappointment was soon f'rgotten among
th' gayeties iv Algeers. I often go up th' Nile because it's handy to
th' Ar-rchey Road. I can get back befure bedtime. In summer I may go to
Newpoort, although it ain't th' place it was whin I first wint there. It
was simple thin. People laughed at Clarence Von Steenevant because he
wore a hat encrusted in dimons instead iv th' rough-an'-ready goold
bonnet that ye grabbed fr'm th' rubbish iv old pearl necklaces an'
marredge certyficates on th' hall table whin ye wint out to play tennis.
It has changed since. But there are still a few riprisintatives iv th'
older memberships iv th' stock exchange who cannot lave th' familyar
scenes, an' I like to dhrop in on these pathricyans an' gossip iv days
that ar-re no more. Faith, there's hardly a place that I don't spind me
summers. If I don't like a place I can move. I sail me yacht into
sthrange harbors. I take me private car wheriver I want to go. I hunt
an' I fish. Last year I wint to Canada an' fished f'r salmon. I made a
gr-reat catch--near thirty cans. An' whin I'm tired I can go to bed. An'
it is a bed, not a rough sketch iv a brick-yard.

"Well, well, what places I have seen. An' I always see thim at their
best. Th' on'y way to see anny place at its best is niver to go there.
No place can be thruly injyeable whin ye have to take ye'ersilf along
an' pay rent f'r him whin ye get there. An' wan iv th' gr-reat comforts
iv my kind iv a vacation is that I always knows what's goin' on at home.
Whin Hogan goes on his kind iv vacation th' newspa-aper he gets was
printed just afther th' third inning iv th' baseball game th' day befure
yisterdah. Th' result is that whin Hogan comes home he don't know what's
happened. He doesn't know who's been murdhered or whether Chicago or
Pittsburg is at th' head iv th' league.

"An' summer is th' best time iv th' year f'r news. Th' heat an' sthrong
dhrink brings out pleasant peculyarities in people. They do things that
make readin' matther. They show signs iv janus. Ivrything in th' pa-aper
inthrests me. Here's th' inside news iv a cillybrated murdher thrile
blossomin' out in th' heat. Here's a cillybrated lawyer goin' to th'
cillybrated murdherer an' demandin' an increase in th' honoraryum iv his
cillybrated collague. Lawyers don't take money. What they get f'r their
public sarvices in deludin' a jury is th' same as an offerin' in a
church. Ye don't give it thim openly. Ye sind thim a bunch iv sweet peas
with the money in it. This here larned counsel got wan honoraryum. But
whin things begun to took tough f'r his protegee he suggested another
honoraryum. Honoraryum is fr'm th' Latin wurruds honor an' aryum,
mainin' I need th' money.

"Yes, sir, ye can't injye a vacation without th' pa-apers. How glad I am
to know that Congress has adjourned afther rejoocin' th' tariff to a
level where th' poorest are within its reach. An' how cud I be happy
away fr'm here if I didn't know how me frind Willum Taft was gettin' on
at goluf. Iv coorse I'm inthrested in all that goes on at th' summer
capitol. I am glad to know that Charles played tennis fr'm ten to iliven
an' aftherward took a throlley car ride to Lynn, where he bought a pair
iv shoes an' a piece iv blueberry pie, but at two o'clock had entirely
recovered. But th' rale inthrest is in th' prisidint's goluf. Me
fav'rite journal prints exthries about it. 'Specyal exthry; six thirty.
Horrible rumor. Prisidint Taft repoorted stymied.' He's th' best goluf
player we've iver had as prisidint. He cud give Abra'm Lincoln a shtroke
a stick. He bate th' champeen iv the' wurruld last week be a scoore iv
wan hundhred an' eighty-two to siventy-six. He did so.

"Here's a column about yisterdah's game. 'A large crowd assimbled to see
th' match. Prisidint appeared ca'm an' collected. He wore his club
unyform, gray pants, black leather belt, an' blue shirt. His opponent,
th' sicrety iv war, was visibly narvous. Th' prisident was first off
th' tee with an excellent three while his opponent was almost hopelessly
bunkered in a camera. But he made a gallant recovery with a vaccuum
cleaner an' was aven with th' prisidint in four. Th' prisidint was
slightly to th' left in th' long grass on his fifth, but, nawthin'
daunted, he took a hoe an' was well out in siven. Both players were in
th' first bunker in eight, th' sicrety iv war havin' flubbed his sixth
an' bein' punished f'r overdarin' on th' siventh. Th' prisidint was
first out iv th' bunker at a quarther past two, his opponent followin'
at exactly three sixteen. Th' prisidint was within hailin' distance iv
home on his sixteenth shot, while his opponent had played eighteen. But
th' pace had been too swift an' it was merely a question iv which wud be
th' first to crack. That misfortune fell to th' lot iv th' sicrety iv
war. Findin' himsilf in a bad lie, he undhertook to use a brassy in a
spirit iv nawthin' venture nawthin' gain. It was raaly a brillyant shot.
A foot nearer th' ball an' he might have accomplished a feat in
golufing histhry. But th' luck iv war was against him an' he sthruck
himsilf upon th' ankle. Th' prisidint, resolvin' to give him no mercy,
took his dhriver an' made a sterling carry to within thirty yards iv th'
green. There was now nawthin' to it. Continuin' to play with great dash,
but always prudently, he had a sure putt iv not more thin forty feet to
bate th' records f'r prisidints f'r this hole, a record that was
established be th' prisident iv th' Women's Christyan Timp'rance Union
in nineteen hundhred an' three. His opponent cried 'I give it to ye,'
an' th' prisidint was down in a brillyant twinty two. His opponent was
obliged to contint himsilf with a more modest but still sound an'
meritoryous thirty-eight (estimated).

"An' there ye ar-re. I'm ivrywhere, but I can always keep in touch with
what's goin' on."

"What kind iv a game is goluf?" asked Mr. Hennessy. "Why do they call it
rile an' ancient?"

"I don't know," said Mr. Dooley, "onless it is because th' prisidint iv
th' United States has just took it up."







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